Judge, 1915-07-17 · page 18 of 28
Judge — July 17, 1915 — page 18: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains several satirical pieces typical of early 20th-century American humor: **"His Desperate Deed"** (top): A brief comic exchange where a woman mentions her suitor proposed as "something desperate"—the joke being that proposing marriage is treated as an act of desperation. **"So Jolts the World Along!"** (left): A poem satirizing romantic chaos and life's disappointments. It traces interconnected love triangles where people pursue unrequited interests, ultimately showing that only those with simple contentment (B and C) prosper, while others die, struggle financially, or grow lonely. **"Playing Checkers"** (center): Rural New England dialogue featuring Uncle Ozias Pike lecturing Deacon Soames about distraction while playing checkers. The humor lies in Ozias's folksy, rambling anecdotes about farming that distract from the game itself—a gentle satire of small-town gossip. **"Advanced Matrimony"** (bottom): A joke about newlyweds pretending to be long-married to avoid romantic displays. The page also includes brief social commentary pieces and poems on courtship, law, and vanity, typical of Judge's mix of humor and gentle social criticism.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
HIS DESPERATE DEED Arabel—George proposed to me last night, my dear. Isobel—Yes, he told me was goiug to do something desperate when I refused him. So Jolts the World Along! LOVED B, and B loved C And cared no whit for A; While D loved A, but courted E And dared no word to say. E wedded F and was adored For two whole years or three, When each with each grew badly bored, And F sought balm with G. A tired of life and gave it back Unto the mother earth; E earned her bread and found it cost Far more than it was worth. D lived alone and grew at last All wrinkled, sad and old; But B and C had seven sons And tablespoons of gold. i\ Veh a cates a el. 3 ADVANCED Playing Checkers 66(ONSARN ye, Peleg!"' said Uncle Ozias Pike, as he jumped two of his opponent's men. ‘Ye hain't got yer mind ‘on yer bizness."’ “T hain't, hain’t 12’? asked Deacon Soames, the store- keeper. “*No, ye hain’t, hain’t ye,’” replied Ozias. ‘‘A man cain’t play checkers an’ be fussin’ aroun’ sellin’ calicker an’ Noo Erlinz merlasses an’ dewdabs t’ th’ wimmin folks, all tew onct. Ef I wuz you, Peleg, I'd shet up shop at eight. Thet’d give us an hour fer checkers afore bed- time.”’ “I'll think on’t,’’ said Soa- mes briefly. . “You'd better be a-think- in’, taunted Ozias Pike. “Now I've ketched yer king. Th’ way ye play checkers, Peleg, 'minds me of the way my youngest boy begun t’ plow. I sez t’ him, Fix yer eye on some objick, sez I, so’s t’ git yer furrers straight. Dumb ef he didn’t fix it on a passel o’ caows in th’ paster lot."’ “This hain’t my night," said Deacon Soames gloomily. MATRIMONY “ But, Effie, if you and Bertie are pretending to be married, why didn’t you kiss him good-by?"” * Ob, we're pretendin’ we've been married quite a while."’ ““Stand in front of me for a moment, Willie, ¥ want to fix my stocking."’ As he put up the shutters, he turned to his friend and asked, “Be ye goin’ t’ run fer jestice of th’ peace, Ozias?"’ ‘No, I hain’t,’’ replied Mr. Pike gruffly, **Jehiel Slocum allows thet th’ present in- cumbrances will continoo."’ “‘Hain't we goin’ t’ hev direck prima ries?’ asked Deacon Soames. “We be,’ said Uncle Ozias, *‘an’ Jehiel’s goin’ t’ hev th’ directin’ of 'em."’ Society’s Bent ‘AIDEN of the stooping shoulders, While your social glory grows, Hark you that my love still smolders And no diminution knows. Oft in brilliant, gay-decked places, Watching, I have tarried late— Distant viewer of your graces And that slouching, drooping gait. Dearest, if you must forever Cower like a storm-wracked tree, Will it be a great endeavor, Once, but once, to stoop to me? —A. Burstein, On the Job The moving pictures of a train wreck were startlingly realistic. **Who do you suppose that man is who is running with all his might toward the disaster?’’ asked one auditor of a companion. “I am not sure,"’ replied the other, “but I'll bet acookie it is a damage-suit lawyer."" Looking Backward Crawford—What's that perpetual-mo- tion crank working on now? * Crabshaw—A machine that will enable a woman to lace her own shoes. His Conceit Young Willie Green stood on his head, And as his feet he twirled, He cried, ‘‘Ah-ha! Just look at me, A-holding up the world!"’