Judge — January 2, 1915 — page 18: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

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I show you bow and I Guarantee You $10 For Your First Photoplay iS Tiag prewvamm daly socoonts for this omavaal oer, le ccata notuioe (program dally accounts for this \receta nottiog Rend post card or letter. et once. walle this offer taste, {fins benaiot “knw to Write Posteelars.”* Sibert tncere: Dax T72LM Cheers! Stops snorinh ©Pon’t-Snore” esinouts breathing. Money Refunded if it Don’t. Ask for Booklet, THOS. B. MORTON CO. (Inc.) 6 Starks Bidg., Louisville, Ky. Riding in Other People’s Cars By DOUGLAS MALLOCH THE EXPERIENCED automobilist who confines his touring entirely to other people’s cars (and he is increasing in number even faster than the cars) is bound to see and hear a whole lot of in- teresting things. He will pick up a store of knowledge. For example, I never really felt I knew the chairman of our church board until he and I took a run out into the country one day and forgot to take along any gas. Now, I don’t mean what you mean at all whatever. I don’t know how much religion it takes to be chairman of the church board, but I know how much it takes to walk three miles through the woods and squeeze a gallon of gasoline out of the rural owner of a gas engine who does not like automobiles anyhow; and he did it without ever crack- ing his religion in any respect. I almost believe that man could play golf. It has occurred to me that, because I know absolutely nothing about a car, I probably get a good deal more pleasure out of touring than the man who owns the car and does. He knows when the engine is missing. When I know the engine is missing, things have come toa pass where I suspect that the wheels are also gone. When I awake to the fact that the engine is not acting as it should, the owner isn’t, either. Generally when I wake up to the knowledge that the en- gine has something the matter with its insides, we are permanently located in the center of a well-crowned road, and some farmer who is trying to get around us with a load of hay is disproving the statement that education in the languages is not making as rapid progress in the rural communities as in the larger towns. Yet out of my abundant and redundant ignorance I am sometimes able to make a valuable suggestion about the operation of the car to the man who knows all about it. Sometimes it seems to me that a lot of learning is a dangerous thing. When the car slows up, the man at the wheel nearly always says it is probably this or that and mentions something that I never suspected we had along or that I never imagined could be had anywhere but at a drug store. Then he gets out and looks for this object back up the road or hunts for it in the toolbox. After a while he gets out a diagram of an automobile with its interior exposed in grewsome fashion and follows a dotted line marked EE in the general direction of the liver of the thing. Then he gets under the car and follows this imaginary line and finds that the EE is also imaginary, as they don’t put it on anything less than a $2,500 car. While he is fussing around, I get uneasy and take my foot off the brake, and the ear chirks right up and seems to run just as well without an EE as with one. The other night a friend of mine with a new car (they do a big passenger busi- ness the first season) asked me to ride out to our suburb with him. We climbed in, and the car made a buck and then set back its ears, gave a snort and refused to budge. I could see the owner making a rapid and silent calculation as to how far it was to the nearest garage, and then he got out and began walking around the car, apparently expecting that whatever was the matter would run out and dite him in the leg, and then he would fix it, and we would be on our way rejoicing, bringing in the sheaves, He asked me what I supposed was the trouble, and | got out and looked at the front lights, and they seemed to be burning all right, and I told him I couldn't see what was the matter. So he went to work and pat in some new batteries, and gave her more gas, and gave her less gas, and used a lot of technical terms that I did not know, and some other technical terms with which I was more familiar (having once worked in a lumber camp), and asked me if I would mind watching the car while he stepped over to a phone. Every time he pulled the lever, the car would rear up and then come down on all four feet like | a bronco in a Wild West show with a burr under its martingale. I had seen them | stand still before, but this was the first automobile I had ever seen that hadn't been broke first. I told him sure I would watch the car, that I enjoyed watching it. But I sug. gested that, before we sent out anSO§$ to the garage, I would better go around and take a look at the tail light, that maybe that was what was the matter, So I found the rear end of the car (I have picked up a little superficial knowledge of automobiles), and the tail light was burning all right; but my friend had put a patent lock and chain on the rear wheel and axle and had forgotten to unlock the thing Ever since then, when I am out riding with a car owner, and there is any dis- pute between him and the car, I always try to think of some simple, home rem- edy, rather than dig around in the au- tomobile’s insides to see if the differen- tial calculus is short-circuited with the kabala. J ud ge Vol. LXV = January 2, 1915 No. 1733 Copyright 1914, by Leslie-Judge Compasy. Entered at the Post-office at New York as second-class eal matter. 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