Judge, 1914-01-24 · page 6 of 24
Judge — January 24, 1914 — page 6: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains two separate satirical pieces: **Main Story ("Juvenile Arithmetic" and accompanying narrative):** A romantic comedy about Roger Murray, a foreman infatuated with wealthy Celestine. She deliberately feigns snoring at the opera to discourage his romantic interest—not because she dislikes him, but because she's already engaged to Bob Somers and wants to let down her various suitors "easily." The joke is that Celestine is manipulating Roger's emotions by performing unladylike behavior. The satire targets both romantic obsession and wealthy women's casual cruelty to admirers. **Bottom Cartoon ("The Jocular Guest"):** A waiter serves soup to a diner, who quips that based on the waiter's thumb position in the bowl, he assumed it was a finger-bowl—a crude joke implying poor hygiene and unsanitary food service. This reflects early-20th-century humor about working-class service staff. Both pieces exemplify Judge's typical satirical focus on social manners, class dynamics, and romantic entanglements among the genteel classes.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
men wno surrounded Celestine. When four men hovered near her, his suffering was notsoacute, Itwas when one particular man appeared and the four disappeared that he stag- sgered home with his shat- tered heart in his hands, W7h\ The particular ‘one’ taba” was Roger Murray, who {Y= 7 seemed to have the right Sy" =) of way, and the foreman eae “S™ hated him with a deadly hate, After about a month of this self- inflicted agony, there was a vacant seat near Celestine’s box. The foreman could bear no more. elestine is going."’ The words echoed in Roger Murray's brain. Sitting inabox at the Symphony, with the lights burning low, and Celestine’s voice low and burning into his memory—well, he could sit through a lifetime of Wagner. “Ah! Is she? Wagner, I believe, is the other mighty genius, the one who wrote music around that woman who wears a gunny sack in the first act and pink chiffon in the next and can’t get any one to kiss her in either’’— “Kundry, my dear. Kundry is the gentlewoman you mean “If Miss Gunny Sack is a gentlewoman, what is the matter with our cook? But I like Wagner. I love his chop-suey music’'—— “Roger !"" nyway, Cyn, Wagner is always Wagner. That's a safe bet." His sister laughed. That's a safe bet, too!'’ “And Celestine is always Celestine! THE JOCULAR GUEST _ Feeder—I say waiter, what have you there ? Keelner—Soup, sir. Feeder—Soup, eh? From the position of your thumb I thought it was a finger-bowl. JUVENILE ARITHMETIC amma, can I have just ene piece of candy before 1 go to bed? Mamma—Yes, Dick, just one. Dick—Mamma, I think I'll take a piece twice. The following Sunday found him sitting behind his sister and—Celestine, The latter sat with bowed J, motionless, Her lids drooped and the rose petals which served for a mouth were parted, He leaned back in his chair, the better to study her perfect pose. The rose petals parted a bit more. He longed to kiss her. Hush! There was a soft purring. The purring became louder, almost guttural, Horrors! He glanced at his sister, who was stifling her laughter and looking at him mercilessly. The conductor waved his baton, and the crash of music partially drowned the romance-destroying nois “Cynthia! If she would only snore on the key, I could bear it!" “Celestine never claimed to have an ear for harmony.” “Cynthia! Can aught so fair—snore?” “Yes, my dear, it can and it is!’ “Cynthia! Ido not love her. I did, but I don’t.” The music stopped. Not so the snoring. The man shuddered. Aught so fair could snore and was proving it. Roger Murray picked up his coat, his hat, his stick and whispered to his sister, ‘‘ Wagner is bad enough, with- out that! Present my adieus to your friend.” “Ah!’? said Celestine, opening her eyes when sure that he had gone. ‘I knew I could cure him! You see, Cynthia, I am going to marry Bob Somers, and I am try- ing to let a few of them down easily. Most of the boys are after my million, but Roger was not. So I tried to cure him with one turn of the knife. Those who merely wish to marry my money don’t worry me. Didn’t I snore lovely? I could feel his nerves getting onedge. I never went to sleep in the daytime since I was born!"’ “You even fooled me, dear. What an actress you are! Nothing else could have cooled Roger’s love, and it So artless! But what an awful noise you ine laughed gleefully. ‘‘I sounded just like an alarm clock, didn’t I?’" When Cynthia reached home, she found her brother