Judge, 1913-12-27 · page 9 of 25
Judge — December 27, 1913 — page 9: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This is a humorous romantic story, not political satire. A man from Ohio claims to have bred an odorless onion, which the narrator dismisses as impossible—onions have a "union" (a pun on labor unions, which were prominent in early 20th-century America) and won't surrender their defining characteristic. The narrator recounts eating such an onion before a romantic visit. Despite his prepared speech about love, the woman detects the onion smell on his breath and progressively moves away from him, eventually losing interest entirely. She later accepts another suitor's courtship instead. The joke's point: no matter what anyone claims, onions cannot be truly de-odorized. Their nature is unchangeable—a metaphor for how our fundamental characteristics persist despite our wishes. The "union" reference humorously anthropomorphizes onions as a collective that protects their shared identity.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
wemirnron, BROMOAEAD. The Union Onion By Flemer Croy A MAN in Xenia, O., says that he has evolved an odorless onion. We must be honest with our readers and say that we don’t believe this. We have had some experience with onions and do not believe that an onion in the full possession of its powers would consent to become odorless. All onions belong to the same union. It is a strong union. One time we ate what was represented to us as being an odorless onion. We ate it for supper and went to call on her. We had made up our mind to say some- thing that night that would change the course of our life. We had made up our mind to tell her that life would be one long, dreary waste without her at our side to cheer and comfort, to guide and inspire us onward and upward, and everything that way that a fellow studies up in ad- vance and can’t think of when the time comes. For a while we sat at the other end of the davenport and talked about the weather, the crops and the Sunday-school picnic, and all the other things that a fel- low has to lead up with. Then we moved over a bit nearer, our heart climbing up our shoulder blade and trying to work its way out of our collar, until our heart and our voice couldn’t pass. At first we had been far apart like this, but pretty soon we were up closelikethis, Suddenly her nose went up inthe air and she moved away from us for an inch. We hurried on with our talk about cheer and comfort, but she add- ed another inch. Our magnetism was losing its grip. Pretty soon she got up and moved over into a narrow rocking chair and began talking about how late she had been up the night be- fore. The next evening, when we dropped around to talk to her brother, another fellow was sit- ting on the front porch, and by Epworth League time she was telling him a more becoming shade of tie to wear. We don’t know why we lost out—not posi- tively—but never again can they tell us that an onion can be produced that hasn’t certain char- acteristics that have run in its family for a long time. Interesting “Oh, he’s delightful company! I just love to hear him talk!”’ “‘What does he talk about?’’ “Me.” In Reno “So you have two proposals?’’ “Yes; I can’t decide which to marry first.’’ MOTION PICTURES His Man of Chay L'TILE Jasper Sen- ter learned from the minister's sermon @' one Sunday that man was made of clay, 80 ua f after returning from church he resolved to make him a man after his own fashion. The work pro- ceeded in the clay bank back of the gar- den until his mother called Jasper to luncheon. He had completed all of the man save one leg. That afternoon Jasper and his mother, while walking along the street, met a man with one leg, walking with crutches. Jasper accosted him and grabbed his coat. “See here!’ he said. ‘‘I thought I told you to stay there in the yard till 1 put that other leg on you.”’ Welded Boob—Weak things united become strong. Miss Tarte—Why don’t you marry? Diplomatic Creditor “That fellow treats you with respect. “Yes; I owe him five dollars.’’ comicbooks.com