Judge, 1913-11-22 · page 7 of 26
Judge — November 22, 1913 — page 7: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This is a humorous essay-style piece, not political satire. A character named McFee explains why he's most grateful for teeth, using absurdist logic typical of early 20th-century humor writing. The joke relies on increasingly ridiculous reasoning: teeth are useful for eating, they're a recognizable feature (useful for caricature), dentists are worse than barbers, and most oddly—toothaches are actually *good* because they distract from worse suffering like losing your home or family crises. The final section lists genuine hardships (eviction, weather, fire) against which a mere toothache seems trivial by comparison. The satire targets not teeth themselves but rather the human tendency to rationalize gratitude for small comforts while enduring larger misfortunes. The theatrical stage illustration above reinforces the performative, exaggerated tone of McFee's monologue.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
MY FRIEND McFee lolled back in his office chair when I entered to ask my annual question, “What are you most . | thankful for?’’ “For teeth,’’ he re- plied. “Viewed by and large, they are man’s greatest bless- ing. I might say I lovingly regard my ears; but as they have a habit of getting in my way when I lie down to sleep, I have to place them further back—in my list of things to be thankful for. “Yes, sir; I'm thankful for teeth. They aid greatly in pleasing my stomach, munching, as they do, the morsels of meat my modest means permit me to obtain— GOOD FELLOWS UU Thankful for Teeth By ARTEMUS WARD UTTING EST EEL ELC ‘secure’ is the proper word, because, when once my teeth have tackled anything, rest assured it is secure, “Teeth are a dominating trait among men. Draw even roughly or rudely a set of teeth and a pair of eyeglasses, and you have the counterfeit presentment of the greatest advertiser-without-cost that was ever placed on this turkey-with-cranberry- sauce-eating earth. No wonder the tooth wears a crown! “Tam thankful to have read an expres- sion which any member of my large and ES] handsome family can prove perfect—the gloat of the barber over the dentist. A baby can cut its own teeth, but it cannot cut its own hair. Paying for haircuts has taught me what a blessing it is we can cut our own teeth. “But why be thankful for teeth more than anything else? Because of their ache. Nothing can banish from the Sarah Bellum the gnawing of an aching molar. The graveyard is often called God’s Acre. Man's acher often induces the wish for God’s Acre. Still there is, philosophic- ally regarded, joy in the pain. No mat- ter what may come, the ache prevents the anguish. “Twins may be born, the landlord may call, the sun may bake us, the blizzard may freeze us, the house may burn up comicbooks.com