Judge — October 4, 1913 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Uncle David, ‘‘sailed up more’n ten foot in the air, mixed up with somethin’ like a thousan’ pieces 0’ stump, an’ then come down kerflop! an’ spread out like acoon skin nailed to a barn door. There wa'n’t more’n ten seconds betwixt his goin’ up an’ his comin’ down, an’ he riz to his feet, with splinters of all sorts an’ sizes stickin’ out of him like quills ona por- kypine. He started in right where he had left off an’ says, —nationest best washin’ machine that ever come as a boon to poor, back-breakin’ woman over the tub. It'lldothe wash. | *¥M&TH in’ so quick that it'll be all done betwixt the put- tin’ o’ the pancakes on ‘ ‘ HOW GLOOMY THIS LITTLE WORLD th iddl * th kin’ Boob—Where did I leave my cigawettes last night, James? WOULD BE IF THE suN suou.n the griddle an’ the takin James—I don't know, sir, CEASE TO SHINE of 'em off! More than Boob—Drat those servants! They never remember anything. Wil Reneckers WHOLLY DEPENDENT that, it'll save twenty-five per cent. in soap, to say nothin’ o’ the wear an’ tearo’ theol’ woman! An’ I'll throw in a suttif- kit fer a patent safety-gauge stump puller as‘a premium, an’ allow you a discount fer this here kindlin’ wood o’ yourn that I'm goin’ to take home an’ pull out 0’ me an’ stack up in the woodshed !’ “An! 'fore I could git my breath,’ says Uncle David, “I had bought the machine an’ paid fer it, an’, as the agent went drivin’ out o’ sight around the bend o’ the road, I jest couldn't do nothin’ but mop my head and say, “‘*Well, if that ain’t the pushin’est feller-citizen I ever done a dicker with, then I'll be everlastin’ hornswaggled! An’, great Jerusha Straddlebugs! ain't I thankful he wa’n't peddlin’ lightnin’ rods!’ Why, he’d ’a’ had more’n ten mile o° wire p’intin’ heavenward on this farm, an’ ’d gone away with a mortgage onto it, signed, sealed an’ delivered!’ ’’ The new washing machine Uncle David bought for Aunt Hepsy won't wash any more than if it was a patent cow milker, so he declares; but it is going to be worth more than a heap to him, he says, as a perpetual reminder that he mustn't forget to be thankful until his dying day. The Greatest Source of Joy HERE'S rejoicing in the household when the nurse an- nounces twins, There is tumult in the bleachers every time the home team wins, There is glainess when a dividend is paid on doubtful shares, And we all laugh up our shirt sleeves when conductors miss our fares, ~% When we are sick we're joyous if the boss don’t dock our pay; Our cup is full whene’er we get ‘‘comp”’ tickets to the play; But none of those sensations equals that which fills our chest When we find a battered dollar in an old, discarded vest! Howard C. Kegley. Practical “You say her love affairs have progressed from abstract to concrete ?"" LETTING IN A LITTLE PRESH HER “Yes; she jilted a title-guarantee man to take on a builder. comicbooks.com