Judge, 1913-08-30 · page 8 of 24
Judge — August 30, 1913 — page 8: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains several humorous pieces typical of early 20th-century American satirical magazines: **"Manana" by Walt Mason** is a comic poem about procrastination. The narrator lists chores he should do today—hoeing weeds, fixing fences, gathering kindling—but repeatedly postpones them for tomorrow, distracted by pleasures like reading detective stories or attending a baseball game. It satirizes the human tendency to delay work, playing on the Spanish word "mañana" (tomorrow). **"Pipe Dreams"** is a brief poem about a man who loses his wealth and comfort when his pipe tobacco runs out—suggesting his prosperity was illusory, dependent on a simple pleasure. The remaining items are brief jokes: "The Way It Goes" pokes fun at a traveling washing-machine salesman's moral objections to female minstrel shows; "How To Move Them" is a rector joke about moving congregations via limousines; and "The Difference" plays on speculation versus investment terminology. The page reflects common Judge humor: gentle mockery of human weakness, small-town life, and contemporary concerns.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
By WALT MASON THE WEEDS in the garden are growing, while I'm sitting here in the shade; I know that I ought to be hoeing and doing some things with a spade. I know that I shouldn't be shirking in pleasant, arboreal nooks; I know that I ought to be working like good little boys in the books. They tell me that idling brings sorrow, and doubtless they tell me the truth; I'll tackle that garden to-morrow—to-day I’ve a yarn by Old Sleuth! The fence, 80 my mother reminds me, needs fixing the worst kind of way! So it does; but, alas! how it grinds me to wrestle with fence boards to-day! I ought to do stunts with a hammer, and cut a wide swath with a saw, and raise an indus- trial clamor out there at the fence by the draw. The punish- ing fires of Gomorrah on idlers, ma says, will rain down; I'll fix up that blamed fence to-morrow—to-day there’s a circus in town! I ought to be whacking up kindling, says ma, as she fools with the churn; the pile in the woodshed is dwindling, and soon there'll be nothing to burn. There’s Laura, my sister, as busy as any old bee that you know, while all my employments are dizzy, productive of nothing but woe. I'll show I’m as eager as Laura to make in the sunshine my hay! I'll split up some kindling to-morrow—I planned to go fishing to-day! I've made up my mind to quit fooling and do all the chores round the shack. Just wait till you see me a-tooling the cow to the pasture and back! I'll show that I’m willing and able! I’ll weed out the cucumber vines, I'll gather the eggs ’neath the table, and curry the horse till he shines! A leaf from ma’s book I shall borrow and labor away till I fall! I'll surely get busy to-morrow—to-day there’s a game of baseball! The Way It Goes «J S'POSE, 0’ course, you're going to the Female Minstrels at the Op’ry House to-night?’’ helpfully insinuated the landlord of the Pruntytown tavern. “No, sir!’’ firmly replied the recently arrived washing-ma- chine agent. ‘‘The show is degrading, and’’—— “Are ye sure of that?” eagerly interrupted the landlord. “*Yes. I saw the performance at Whillersville and Torpid- town, and again at Wayoverbehind, and I guess I ought to know!"" A MOST EXCELLENT PORTRAIT OP OUR TRAVELING PRIEND, MR. THOUSANDLEG WORM WAY NOT HAVE A MONUMENT ERECTED TO COMMEMORATE THE BIRTH- PLACE OP THE PUMPKIN PIE? Pipe Dreams E HAD a wondrous castle in some fairy realm of-old; Its marble halls of splendor hung with trophies rare of gold. He reveled in the beauty of its changing tint and gleam, Until he let his pipe go out and found it all a dream. He owned a yacht and sailed the seas for islands of the west, Where strains of silvery music lulled his weary soul to rest, Upon a bed of roses fair that bloomed beside a stream; And then he let his pipe go out and found it just a dream. His board and room rent were paid up for ten years in advance, His landlord passed him with a word of cheer and kindly glance; But suddenly his blissful joys were quickly put to rout, For when he tried to fill his pipe, his smoking had run out! George B. Sto. How To Move Them First rector—I am going to preach to the How can I move them? Second rector—You'll have to move them in limousines. The Difference “What's the difference between speculation and investment?” “When you lose, it is speculation; when you win, it is investment." “our Hundred. “Be up and doing’? is all right as a motto and should be followed, if you are doing the right thing. comicbooks.com