Judge, 1912-09-14 · page 18 of 24
Judge — September 14, 1912 — page 18: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains primarily **advertisements** rather than editorial satire. The dominant content is a Schlitz beer ad emphasizing that brown glass bottles protect beer from light damage—a legitimate brewing concern of the era. The ad references German brewing practices to establish credibility. The right column features a serialized fiction piece titled "A Cigarette Heart," a morality tale about a man warned by a doctor that smoking will kill him within eight months. The narrator ignores this advice and continues smoking for years, suggesting the story critiques both quack medical diagnoses and smokers' denial. Below that is a poem called "The Millennium" offering utopian social commentary—imagining a future without political corruption, poverty, or divorce—before ending with self-deprecating humor about pipe smoking. The page also advertises diamond jewelry and a hat, typical of Judge's commercial revenue model.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
iB ottling 7 ‘Plant are © Schlitz is brewed in the dark. Schlitz is shipped to you in Brown Bottles. Beer exposed to light cannot remain pure. Beer is saccharine. The slightest taint of impurity ruins its healfhfulness. In Germany fhe Brown Bottle is used almost exclusively. German brewers know the damaging effect of light on beer. Order a case from your dealer today. Sce that crown or cork is branded “Schlitz.” he Beer - That Made M ilwaukee Famous. 20°10 Down, 100.0 Per Month h every D back an ¢ for a larger stone t better va M. LYON 4 CO 73 Nassau Street Write tor “i9i2 te Book" FREE. FRENCH CO. 259 Arch Street. Philadetphia. Pa, A Cigarette Heart (Concluded from a preceding page.) Certainly! tragedy !"” At this point I had decided that hurl. ing myself in front of a locomotive would be easier than falling out of ¢ twenty-seven-story window. The loco. motive moves so much more quickly than the earth when it is a matter of hitting you on the base of the brain, "he concluded, putting away the stop-watch, ‘‘you have a cigarette heart. It flutters like a feather in the wind, hops and skips like a dancing master, I'm sorry, sir, but eight months is all | can possibly give you—eight months and the after life! You will stop?” “Yes, sir.’” I walked to the fireplace and burned up my last pack of cigarettes. I was in such a state of mind that I would have burned off my hair if he had suggest- ed it. “Good, good !"" he exclaimed, like the Roman mob cheering the gladiators oa to death. ‘‘Now give me fifteen dol- lars.’’ He said that like a thug ina dark alley. All this was eight years ago. With the exception of the two hours following my interview with him, I have been smoking cigarettes ever since. I tip you off about that doctor—and it goes for a lot more of them. He worked with a stethoscope, a stop-watch and grand and glorious stall. His dealings with materia medica were as desperate and optimistic as a big bet behind s busted straight, and his knowledge of the human anatomy was a four fish which the crafty old Dr. Wisdom bad refused to fill. It is the last act in the The Millennium. What visions creep before my eyes! No wild alarm of politics, Nomounds of mud,no sticks nor bricks, No act which honest men despise. No hikes to Reno for divorce; No fancy prices for the things The grocer or the butcher brings; No nights with mornings of remorse. Jaildoors with hinges stiff from rust; All mankind happy; a blue sky Above us all; and when I buy, The dealer says, ‘Don’t pay! I trust ” Wife, purchase more! No coin? Theo swipe Some nectar by Sir Raleigh willed. Its charms all worldly war has stilled— But what a liar is my pipe! A, Walter Unit In answering advertisements please mention JUDGE. It will be ¢norociated. comicbooks.com