Judge, 1912-03-23 · page 20 of 24
Judge — March 23, 1912 — page 20: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This is primarily an **advertising page** from Judge magazine, dominated by a massive Hartman Furniture & Carpet Co. advertisement promoting "5000 Bargains on Credit" with easy payment terms ($1.00 cash, 75 cents monthly). The ad emphasizes affordability and accessibility to working-class customers. The page includes minor **satirical content** titled "What They Might Have Said" by T. Stempfel, Jr., which presents imagined polite, elaborate responses to everyday rudeness—a conductor's abuse over a large bill, a waitress's annoyance. The humor lies in the absurd formality and flowery language these fictional characters use to respond to ordinary service-industry frustrations, gently mocking both working-class rudeness and upper-class pretension. The remaining space contains smaller ads for self-help books on breathing and various "gems" of advice—typical of period Judge content mixing commerce with light social satire.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
a Uaitty GEMS Sayeed Expansive Breathing ¢ S A book that fully explains how Bre@amord tert Bo hard they en =7 proper breaing, Correctbreathe sea ate where ing (both sexes) described by dia- grams, etc. Book contains 64 pages of important information on Chest Expansion, Lung De- velopment and Internal Exercise. Includes Special Breathing Ex- excises; endorsed by Physicians; accepted by the N ational Medical Library. Sent co receipt of 10e--eoln or stampa P. Von Boeckmana, R. S. 1201 Terminal Bidg...103 Perk Ay. ¥.7.Cy WE ARLISGTO! Fotsbitabed 1863 125 Rreadwey, N.T. Make Your Home Attractive To Friends — A Comfort and Delight To Yourself — For a Few Pennies a Day Finest Guaranteed Quality and Credit Free—no mortgage to sign—no in- terest—no extra charges of any kind. No red tape—no publicity no delays ‘after you order. We trust you no matter where you live or how little you earn, rotected on every Terms: $1. 00 Cash —75 'S Cents Monthly fo. deal ton Lit fy made of solid lstlo, design, Mlsion Library Get ts made of po Lo chipped to you promptiy—oe gear open rece Announcement as well as from cur catalog simply by sea a Get This New 1912 Catalogue ave the dollars you would t Sealer’ profta We ye in deals money oa SO bargains Paeanh thea ‘eash price. We offer you the cream of pr remost Fecvorien—epots that are reliable—goods wo back =p ty Bation Satirely alloted ia : Ore million customers now boy Save 15% to 50% on House Furnishings @: (ure and furalshings from ut rrelariy at great sa: f from 15 per cent to W per ceaton he casignt pay ny ver ined. It for less! Sar Billion det rea own lo business on borrow itr weal ea Site ca esas pens World’s Finest "Quality Furniture and Furnishings The bis new 2 byt Catalog is filled with beautiful ) in natural colors, with complete ( descriptions of over $000 of the Fa ‘gfeatest bargains ever placed upon fim the market: Ittelisyou how tosave ff ture, carpets, rugs, curtains, china fg ware, and everything for the home. ‘This big free book tells you ail about the largest, oldest and bes! a Known home fersishings confi cern in the world—s7 years of success—22 Great Stores—1,000,000 gular customers. Send today for Easy Payment Plan with 30 Day: Free Examination Guarantee. It es ot genuine og evttection, Rafted frock ned siden, @S.70- ‘Terms: 50c cash, 50c monthly. HARTMAN Puriture & Comet Co: EmeSaicea Gatahllahed 1855-57 Years of Success 22 Great Stores— 1,000,000 Customers What They Might Have Said, By T. STEMPFEL, JR. ‘0 THE conductor: ‘Be reminded, sir, that you are employed by 4 corporation which is dependent upon the public for its revenue. In this capacity it is your duty to be polite under any circumstance, and no provocation, nm matter how trying, warrants you to in. dulge in the torrent of abuse and pr. fanity of which you have just bee: guilty. Iam sorry, indeed, that I have nothing smaller than a five-dollar pil) upon my person, for I am fully cognizant of the fact that it causes you great ir. convenience and much loss of time tp make the proper change. However, | cannot reproach myself if you are not prepared for such contingencies and if the bill which I have tendered you de. prives you of your supply of coins is small denominations. I trust that you will endeavor to control your ill-advised anger in the future. Signal your motor. man, if you please! I disembark at the next crossing.”” To the waitress: ‘‘Madam, I am sure you have no just cause to vent your a. noyance on an habitual patron of this establishment, when it is obvious that you misunderstood my order. The esc lents which you have brought do not e- thuse me or my palate, and, since I did not obligate myself to eat whatever you choose to set before me, but signified specifically that it was my desire to coo- sume poached eggs on toast—not alf brains —it follows that I am not respoo- sible for your temporary loss of memory. I do not desire to be mandatory, but you will please remove these dishes as bring me poached eggs on toast. Let me engrave this upon your memory— poached eggs on toast!’” To the policeman: ‘*I honor the maj- esty of the law, sir; I respect the a thority which has been vested in youss guardian of the peace; but, as a free born citizen of this great American com- monwealth, I protest against your bre tality and the liberties which you take with your mace upon my person. Itis unfortunate for me that I should be it the front rank of the spectators who are waiting for the parade, but it is not the contrary spirit of my own nature thst urges me to press beyond the curbing. If you will probe for original cause, you will observe that my body is buts feeble bulwark against the surging crowd which is at my back. Allow me, then, to voice a complaint against yor unwarranted and destructive onslaught upon my new brown derby, and let pe express my disapproval of your gener! procedure. Now that the parade about to pass, you will favor me by step ping to one side so that I can enjoy t spectacle!" To the box-office man: ‘It has bee my observation, sir, that men of you vocation regard the public with an & disguised contempt that betrays not ool} lack of breeding, but deficiency of i a tellect. Permit me to inform you I move in a large circle of intima friends and close relatives, who maz fest a sympathetic interest in my grit™ ances and would, upon my recommend tion, discontinue their patronage of th! theater altogether. As I have plait intimated, previous to your brusque In answering advertisements please mention JUDGE. It will be appreciated. —~ FSRZESS comicbooks.com