Judge — December 23, 1911 — page 20: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Telling The Time To Millions The Wondrous White Rock Clock Lighting Times Square, New York The Secret of its, S papulanicy Inside it “the | Ft bottle SUNNY BROOK The PURE FOOD Whiskey Commonwealth Hotel (Inc.) Offers rooms with hot and cold water for $1.00 per day and up, which includes free use of public shower baths. Nothing to Equal this in New England Rooms with private baths for $1.50 per day and up; suites of two rooms and bath for $4.00 per day and up. Dining Room and Cafe First-Class. European Plan. Absolutely Fireproof ‘Stone floow. nothing wood but the doors. Equipped with its own Sanitary Vacuum Cleaning Plant. Long Distance Telephone ia Every Room Strictly a Temperance Hotel SEND FOR BOOKLET. STORER F. CRAFTS, Gen. Mgr. VARICOSE VEINS, "42326 are promptly relloved with Inexpet It absolutely removes the pain. disease," Full particulars on rece! We, Young, F. D. Yor Us Temple St, Springdeld, Maas Steel Humor. (Continued from preceding pate) good specimen attributed to Dr. Wiley, who, however, claims to have found it in Germany and has used it in his pure- food crusade: Four flies, which had made their way into a certain pantry, determined to have a feast. One flew to the sugar and ate heartily, but soon died, for the sugar was full of white lead. The second chose the flour as his diet, but he fared no better, for the flour was loaded with plaster of Paris. The third sampled the syrup, but his six legs were presently raised in the air, for the syrup was colored with aniline dyes. The fourth fly, seeing all his friends dead, determined to end his life also, and drank deeply of the fly poison which he found in a convenient saucer. He is still alive and in good health. That, too, was adulterated. Here is another that owes its effect to the same cause—exaggerated statement: “I read of the terrible vengeance in- flicted upon one of their members by a band of robbers in Mississippi last “What did they do? Shoot him?” “No; they tied him upon the railroad tracks."’ “Awful! And he was ground to pieces, I suppose ?”” “Nothing like it. The poor fellow starved to death waiting for the next train.’” The ruling - passion - strong - in - death idea has furnished a legion of good jokes: An actor who was riding in the smok- ing car on a little one-track railroad some time ago, tells this story of a jewelry drummer who sat in the seat in front of him: “(He was one of those wide-awake never-let-anything-get-the-best-of- them style of men. Presently the train stop- ped to take on water, and the conductor neglected to send back a flagman. A limited express running at the rate of ten miles an hour came along and bump- ed the rear end of the first train. The drummer was lifted from his seat and pitched head first in the seat ahead. His silk hat was jammed clear down over his ears. He picked himself up and settled back in his seat. No bones had been | |. In answering advertisements please mention JUDGE. It will be appreciated. broken. drew a long breath, and said: ***Well, they didn’t get by us any- Then he pulled off his hat, straightened up Henry Ward Beecher said his brother Edward would have surpassed him as an orator if it had not been for the latter's * too great regard for precision of state- ment. Bill Barlow, of the Laramie Boomerang, tells of another orator of that sort: “*T remember a funeral in Tin Can. The Widow Wagg had lost her third in a poker dive. George Jones, D.D., de- livered the funeral address, and an elo- quent and moving address it was, but George hadn't made sure whether it was her third or fourth that the Widow Wagg was burying. “Hence he spoiled a grand oration with these concluding words: “**And now we commend to the divine mercy tnis widowed handmaid, who hath been bereaved again, and again, and again—’ “George hesitated, frowned, and add- ed: ‘And perhaps again.’ ”” Prudery is, of course, game for the jesters. In Delta, Colorado, the town council is. becomingly modest; and we are told that when a tax on dogs was imposed, they made the ordinance read: ‘‘Tax on each dog—male, one dollar; vice versa, three dollars.’” The following is credited to a native of Kansas who sent toa paper in that state the following note of thanks: “T wish to thank the city authorities for quarantining my family and me for three weeks recently because one of them had the smallpox. During that time my wife caught up with her sew- ing; we had three square meals a day, as no one came in and she was not per- mitted to leave; we enjoyed three weeks. of good nights’ sleep; and, best of all, a cousin with four children had arranged to visit us, saw the smallpox sign on the door, and left town so scared she will never come back again. So for these and other blessings we are very thankful- for the quarantine.” The canny Scot may not see jokes— our kind—as quickly as some, but he has been the occasion for a great many good ones. This for instance, On a certain occasion the question was asked: “Why was Mary Queen of Scots born at Linlithgow?” Sandy Kerr promptly answered: “‘Because ker mother was staying there,”’ and there actually seemed to be nothing more to be said on the subject. always fair The same paper, which pilfers its jokes from all sources, but does so with discrimination, gives us this one on the theatrical profession: (Continued on following pare.) jurine Eye Tonic has Won Many Friends for that "Mocning After the Night Before" Feeling. comicbooks.com