Judge — March 18, 1911 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

This Funny World of Ours as the Jester Sees It. USEFUL Hint writer in one of our esteemed contempo- raries has an article on ‘*How To Treat Salt Fish.’’ We pre- sume this is useful to certain kinds of people, but, as for ourselves, a far more profitable article might be written on “How To Avoid Treating Sponges." We know a man who facetiously calls his wife his little ‘‘Rainy day,’’ be- cause she seems to think she is the sole institution for which he has been laying aside the savings of the past. Of course there is considerable objec- tion to the placing of Brigham Young’s picture on the silver service to be pre- sented by the State of Utah to the bat- tleship of the same name; but, after all, if it be true of the sailor bold that Jack has a wife in every port, what could be more appropriate? If they are going to put a tax on bachelors over in Massachusetts, they ought to do it thoroughly and well. Five dollars is not enough if the prin- ciple is correct. What it should come to is enough to support some nice spinster in the style to which she is accustomed. The dollar may not go as far as it did in the old days, as some complainants over latter-day conditions do aver; but, all the same, nobody can deny that it goes much more rapidly than it used to, and, after all, what difference does it make how far it goes when, after all is said and done, it is still beyond the reach of most of us? Uncle Jedediah says that, ‘‘while it’s a derned poor rule that won't work both ways, workin’ the Golden Rule jest one way will keep a feller’s hands full and land him on top at last.”” If we were asked to say something before the infant class in a school for automobilists, we should say, ‘‘Chil- when you are motoring, run into farm wagons if you must; run into trees, telegraph poles, and trolley cars if you can’t help your- self; but, as you go your way through the pikes of life, do not run into debt.’" dren, If some genius is looking around for a first-class riddle, we can help him to a pretty good answer. It is, ‘‘One pies the paper and the other pays the piper.” The only trouble with it is that we haven't been able, at the end of thirty days of anxious thought, to find a suitable question to go with it. Reflections of Uncle Ezra. By ROY K. MOULTON HERE are other ways fer a feller to git trimmed in this world besides goin’ to a manicure, Some fellers are just naturally born foolish, while others wear them green plush hats that turn up on one side and down on the other. I don’t know who Pepys was and I Husband don’t care, but he sounds to me like a cure for indigestion. Others are welcome to their opinions, but my idee of nothin’ to eat and no good place to eat it is one of them lettuce sandwiches at a five o’clock tea. Miss Fern Mudge, our village milliner, is engaged to marry a travelin’ man from Syracuse. She will not make the formal announcement for a while, as she “THE COLD GRAY DAWN OF THE MORNING AFTER.” THE WORST KIND OF A NIGHTMARE. ** For goodness sake, what's the matter, Marie ?’* Wsfe—"" 1 just dreamed that the suit I had made last week has gone out of style !"" has not y d his name, He was here only between trains. There may be a whole lot in tradition, but I don’t believe any man ever hita cat with a bootjack or that any woman ever sharpened a lead pencil with a razor. I see a hypothetical question forty thousand words long has been asked in a murder case at Los Angeles, Hank Purdy says his wife asks him one or two of them that same length every time he gets home after midnight. I see an Eastern pat- ent-medicine concern as follows: run adverti: “When pusaarre down, take our remedy.”” Wonder if it would help a feller who is run down by an automobile or by his neighbor? I Colonel Bryan is down and out at last— down in Texas and out of paramount issues. The papers say a feller out in Wisconsin was shot inthe depot. Hub, that’s nothing! Lem Higgins, of this town, was shot between the kitchen and dinin’-room and got over it all right. comicbooks.com