Judge, 1910-07-30 · page 5 of 16
Judge — July 30, 1910 — page 5: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page features humorist **Newton Newkirk** describing how he wrote his "best joke." The article is largely autobiographical rather than political satire—Newkirk explains his creative process for composing humor while seated at his desk. **The cartoons illustrate** his description: the main sketch shows a figure in a study with writing implements, depicting the mental effort of joke composition. Below, "The Modern Test" presents a domestic scene where someone discusses a fine saddle horse, with sequential panels showing the punchline's delivery. The content reflects **Judge magazine's** focus on genteel American humor and literary wit rather than hard political commentary. It's essentially a meta-joke about joke-writing itself—appealing to the magazine's educated readership.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
“My Best Joke and How I Wrote It.” By NEWTON NEWKIRK. (Basten Post) ILLOWING is a let- ter just received from the publisher of —, said to be a maga- zine for the ambitious of both sexes: Newton Newkirk, ton: Dear sir—We are pre- paring for publication an article to be entitled, “My Best Joke and How I Wrote It.’ This symposium will not be complete without a contribution of some sort from you, and we respectfully request that you favor us with a three-hundred-word paragraph on this subject, accompanied by a photograph of yourself for publication. We feel that this will be of great inter- est to our three hundred thousand subscrib- ers, and that you will respond. Payment will be made at the rate of a cent a word. Very truly yours, , Publisher. It is extremely gratifying to receive such a letter as the above, evidence showing con- clusively that my name has penetrated the great West as far as ——, although I never have remembered having disembarked from a train either there or at Buffalo. This let- ter only goes to show that if a man conducts NEWTON NEWKIRK. Who edits Bingeville Bugle—a paper within a paper—and contrib- Utes the “All Sorts” col- uma of the Boston Post. himself properly in Boston, he will in time become notorious as far West as ——. Note—The fol- lowing remarks are for the above publisher alone, and are to be re- garded as strictly private and confi- dential. Dear ——: It is very difficult to take my typewrit- er (machine) on my lap and tell you offhand definitely and without error what my best joke is and how I wrote it. Confidentially I do not think I have wrotten—I mean written—it as yet. However, I will endeavor to describe to you just how, on many occasions, I have tried to write what I have thought to be my best joke. When I set out to write out my best joke, I become seated at my roller-top desk. There are half a dozen beautiful white sheets lying on the desk before me. The first step THE MODERN TEST, “* Would you like a fine family cow?" “That thing? She can’t give more than four quarts."” “**Tain’t the milk. She 'li git right in front of an auto, an’ she’s good for two hundred dollars damages a season to any family.” 2. —— Here ‘s where I make that diamond look like a kindergarten. —— EPHEMERAL. “* And everybody said the clouds had a silver lining."* in writing my best joke is to fill my fountain pen by means of a medicine dropper. doing this I usually ink my hands up as far as my elbows. Next I fill my pipe and light it. Then I rest my left elbow lightly, even jauntily, on the desk and lay my tired head on my left hand. Then I seize the fountain pen firmly in my right hand, grip my feet tightly about the legs of my chair, take a half-Nelson hold on my luxuriant tresses with the fingers of my left hand, and, with four blotters handy and pen point poised above the white paper, I am now ready to write my best sit patiently like a jair, waiting for a to come skipping along, so that I may stab it in the vitals with my fountain pen and x it quivering on the white while a death rattle chuc- kles in its throat. In this attitude I wait, and wait—then wait some more, My best joke has always been some- what dilatory in keeping its ap- pointment with me. After I sit there in this position pulling my hair until I can scarcely keep from crying for help, with the fountain pen poised over the white paper—I say, after I sit there until I am threatened with writer’s cramp, bedsores from the chair, and paralysis of the block, I often get up and pace the floor (time, 2:383) and go out and saunter around the boundaries of the ward. Then I return to my office, much amazed to find that my best joke has not called while I am out and is therefore not on my desk on my return. Usually I wind up by going. back to the relics of ancient humor and pick out from among the fifty- seven varieties one of the old fa- vorites. Taking this old patri- arch joke in hand, I give it a shave, a hair-cut, and a bath, dress it up in a modern costume, stick a cigarette in its mouth, and send it up to the printer for publication the morning follow- ing. If it is a female joke I put t + paper, 3. — Not a bad idea, my firefly for a few hours, a Chantecler hat on it. Briefly, Mr. ——, Pegasus is not much of a saddle horse from my standpoint. I don’t mind telling you that Pegasus is one of the meanest and most treacherous bucking broncos I ever tried to ride. If Iam in a hurry I never “try to ride old Peg—I can arrive there sooner by walking. T regret that I have not on hand hiring thie at this time a good photograph comicbooks.com