Judge — July 30, 1910 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Sketches. By T. A. DALY. (Philadelphia Catholic Standard and Times.) STARVED. Ascum—"I saw your wife at the) dance last night. ‘She certainly did, look magnificent. By the way, old man, you're rather thin, aren't you?” Muttley—I guess I am. You see, we went to housekeeping recently and I arranged with my wife to give her a certain allowance each week to provide for th and buy clothes for her- self. THE SARCASTIC VICTIM. Barber—‘‘Your hair is coming out on | Crank—“Good! I knew it was in me! Now, for goodness sake, don or it will crawl back again!” THEN WE'D HEAR THINGS. “It's in the world of politics,"’ said the talkative man, ‘‘that the truth of the old saying, ‘Money talks,’ is most frequently proven.”” “Yes,” replied the wise citizen; “but if hush money would only talk, | what sensations we would have!” “THE OFFICIAL BORED." SHOT OUT. Rev, Mr, Waters—‘Look at Bill Bur- ley, for instance. It was the Demon Rum that made him the one-eyed, low- browed sot that he is to-da; Cactus Charley—‘Not _ altogether, parson. It mebbe made him a low- browed sot, but it was me that made him one-eyed.” opp. “Eliza!” yelled the poet, ‘‘why don’t | bea keep that kid quiet? What ails 7 | "* replied his patient wife. singing one of your | lullabies to the little darling.” For PRICKLY HEAT Chafing, Sunburn, etc. -—-USE— PACKER’S TAR SOAP Directions for local treatment: To promptly relieve itching and smai ing, cleanse thoroughly with Packer’s Tar Soap, then apply a lather and pat dry with'a tewel, repeating as often as desired. This not only removes acrid secretions, but soothes the sensit nerve endings in the skin and gives mediate relief. —The Packer Mfg. Co., New York— i "t talk to it JUDGE The Yawp and the Yawpist. HILE the yawp is not the property of W. J. Lampton, he has | worked the field so long and so vari-| ously that others, quite as able, no| doubt, have kept out of it and he has it pretty much | to himself. The! first of these pecu- liar verses was written for the Washington Critic, but they came into general notice through the New York Sun during the editorship of the late C. A. Dana, and since that time they have appeared in numerous sources of jon, even the magazines at rare admitting them to their though, it must be believed, with many qualms of conservative con- science. At present JUDGE uses an oc-| casional one, and the World, Times, | and Tribune, of New York, publish | them at intervals. However good or however bad they re, they seem to convey an idea as no other means will, and they have that sort of popularity which gives them a place in men’s pocket- books, to be taken out and read on occasions when somebody wants to JOHN D. W. J. LAMPTON, Tre Yawpist. The Photograph. “From Gra (af THE AVERAGE SUMMER RESORT. ‘A SANDY beach by a dream lake, where hearts are frail; A birch affair that is built for two; A sheen of romance so wide and blue, With whispering ripples all around, And every spot is a fishing ground; banks, by the shore’s blue present a point in the way he wants it pre- sented. This is the best And on the See ee, ie Is Cupid’s shack, with his business they were, few are the, 818? men who would preserve them as _pocketpieces. BAIT FOR SAL! Incidentally it may be] stated, on the authority . of the author and also of A CERTAIN OLD WANDERER. Mr. Noah Webster and a/ A stranger, wan and thin and old, few other authorities of Whose lips were fairly blue with cold— credence, that Y-A-W-P A wanderer from adoption— ; spells Yawp, and not! Once paused beside the path that led Yap, as the majority of Around the town, and meekly said, . intelligent readers insist) — ** Is this place local option?”’ upon pronouncing it. The following is a good ‘‘It is,’’ I said, affecting some; sample of Mr. Lampton’s yawp: “I'm glad to say the Demon Rum He seldom doth attack us."” THE PERFECTION OF WOMANHOOD. In tears he turned! And ona tag That marked his rusty traveling bag, 1 saw the name of “ BACCHUS.”” presenting the per afracente.) (The Sphinx Is a stose saftragett | fection of womanbood.— Upon the silent sands She stands, PASSING OF THE HORSE. And for some thousand years has stood, Of all the horses ever foaled The sign of perfect womanhood. Our Pegasus can be most merry; A suffragette? For other horses’ fate is tolled, Not yet! But Peggie is secure—very! For thus far she has never tried i at Nor by her frenzied deeds | Sal a Upset bis creeds, |The poet won't abandon him, Nor ever cast a vote, Nor poten pects, For poets cannot buy an auto. Nor had the whiskers grow On that severe expanse Of face she shows To every man who goes Her way. And, say, In all the years and years and years Of history, of hopes and fears— Oh, ladies! bow in silence all— The Sphinx has never talked at all, The Sphinx has never talked at a The Sphinx has never talked » The Sphinz has never talked at all! Ay, there she stands Upon the silent sands, And for some thousand years has stood, The sign of perfect womanhood! Wow! ] | EXPRESSION. The ‘‘ linotype ’’ who set this line Has always been a friend of mine; | He's quite an optimistic man— A member of the Cheer-up Clan. At all my jokes and puns, I wis, He’s kind enough to smile like this: (-) The man who set this second verse *S an awful grouch and getting worse— He never gets my stuff to set But what he knocks me hard, you bet! He says I’m “deadly humorous” And frowns on all my copy thus: &) THE THREE FAVORS. There's three things in life ‘at I've allus said There’s nuthin’ on airth that kin beat 'em— The two first are slices of home-made bread, An’ the third is the stummick t’ eat "em! ‘THEY NEVER PROGRESS. By W. R. ROSE. (Clevdtand Plain Dealer) There is one objection to the insu: gents calling themselves progressiv It has such a suggestion of those Cen- tral American revolutionists. JUDGE'S CARICATURE STUDIES. ). WELLS, of the Buffalo News. President American Press Humorists’ Association. ve to Gay.” By JOHN D. WELLS. News) THE CHIRRUP BARD. He wrote a chirrup pome—a ringing «Now, brother, don’t you worry !” Then scanned his lines, correcting what was wron, And mailed hurry. rg it to McFlure’s in a From that time on he worried all the | while; He worried "bout how long the firm would hold it— He worried ‘bout its meter and its style— And worried ‘bout the thing until he eold it! WISE WORDS. A PHYSICIAN ON FooD. “ Thave always believed that the duty of the physician does not cease with treating the sick, but that we owe it to | humanity to teach them how to protect their health, especially by hygienic and dietetic laws. “ With such a feeling as to my duty, I take great pleasure in saying to the public that in my own experience and also from personal observation I have found no food to equal Grape-Nuts, and |that I find there is almost no limit to | the great benefit this food will bring when used in all cases of sickness and convalescence. “It is my experience that no physic condition forbids the use of Grape-Ni To persons in health there is nothing 80 nourishing and acceptable to the stom- h, especially at breakfast to start the machinery of the human system on the day's work. In cases of indigestion I know that a complete breakfast can be made of Grape-Nuts and cream, and I think it is necessary not to overload the stomach at the morning meal. I also know the great value of Grape-Nuts when the stomach is too weak to digest other food. |.‘ This is written after an experience | of more than 20 years treating all man- \ner of chronic and acute diseases, and | the letter is written voluntarily on my part, without any request for it.’” Read the little book, ‘The Road to Wellville,” in packages. ‘‘There’s a Reason."” Ever read the above letter? A |mew one appears from time to time. They are genuine, true, and full of human interest. In answering advertisements please mention JUDGE. It will be appreciated. comicbooks.com