Judge — April 13, 1907 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

DISPUTING THE RIGHT OF WAY. Toumy—‘*Hi, there! Get out o' the way! I'm a nautermobile. Bossy—"‘ Get out o° the way yourself’ I’m a fire-engine TOO MUCH, ¢6THAT man Richerndirt is the most conceited, insufferable, vain, arrogant, insolent, purseproud individual that trammels the earth,” said the man with the automobile goggles. «Why, I heard that he towed your runabout in for you yesterday,” said the man with the gasoline on his coat. “Towed it in! Darn it! he happened along in his big touring- car when my little machine broke down, and I'll be hanged if he didn't rig up a derrick of some sort and swing my runabout into his tonneau and haul it in !” THE REAL EMBARRASS- MENT. ++ P)OES it never embarrass you, we asked of the Pittsburg mi lionaire, «when you happen to be in a position where you have to introduce your wife to one of your ex-wives ?” “Not very much,” he replied. “The really embarrassing moments are when I find myself so placed that Thave to introduce my present wife to my next one.” A REFLECTION. Uncte Sitas—'* What would 1 be willin’ ter do fer a nice dish 0° pre-digested oats? Well, I'd be willin’ ter tackle a pre-sawed an’ pre-split wood-pile."* FROM OUR KID CONTRIBUTOR. DEAR JUDGE—I am fifteen years old and don't care who knows it. Therefore, kind sir, Iam audacious. Please cast a favoring eye upon the following jokes. They are strictly original. If you don’t be- lieve it read them. Here goes: «« Father,” said the boy, * why is it that comic editors are always so sour?” «+ Because," said the pater, with nary a smile, «they are con- stantly being handed a lemon." How is that, JUDGE? Do you like it? Gladys— Emily is very high-tempered.” Evelyn— Yes; that’s why they send her to the normal school.” No? Well, how is this? Sample this Do you catch it, JuDGE? “Why are these jokes like a blunt needle 2” “Because they have dull points and you'll be stuck if you take ‘em,” Yours truly, and so no more at present. F. Bene. P. S.—Your terms are mine. MORE THAN SMILES. Hewitt—« Whenever | ask Gruet to have a smile he orders a high- iced drink. Jewett —** His smiles seem to be broad grins.” FISHY-WISHY FANCIES. Somers when I am weary, T have the curious wish That I were but a tadpole, Or just a jelly-fish. For if I were a tadpole I'd have no social fads ; I'd spend my time “in swim- min’ With other little tads. And if I were a jell-fish, Then all day long I'd eat My mother’s apple jellies, Or other jells as sweet. But, ah! I can't play tadpole, For I am twenty-nine— And hopping like a bullfrog To keep myself in line. And how can I indulge me This jelly-fishy whim? I'm flopping like a flounder To keep me “in the swim.” ROBRETU’S LOVE. GAVE HIM PAUSE. Bronson—* Surely you have confidence enough in me to lend me your um- brella Woodson—* The most implicit confidence in your JUDGE'S FAVORITES. BRESSLER-GIANOLI AS CARMEN AT THE MANHATTAN OPERA HOUSE. We hear, we see, we feel, we know— Through every sense your art amazes us, palate lav And then we count just how much dough integrity, but not in your it's cost to hear, see, feel and know, judgment. You might show And (to be quite frank) it dazes us. it to the owner.” : DIDN'T FAVOR THEM. " said the man with the retrospective eyes, ++ often sigh for the good old times of our grandfathers.” “Huh!” commented tt: man with the striped necktie and the checkered vest. «As far as I can find out, those good old times didn’t have the facilities for the high old times of to «lay.” THIS GOES AGAINST THE GRAIN. FFAIR Flossye has two wooden limbs, But in the ballet she’s entrancing — When o'er the stage the calcium dims She always does such knotty dancing! WHY THE COST OF LIVING INCREASES. “Why, it costs me six times as much to live as it did ten years ago.” “* How's that?” d “T get six times as much salary." icbooks.com