Judge — January 5, 1907 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A LETTER TO THE EDITOR, N°; sir, for publication this wise verse (Unless—by some mistake—you chance to like it) I scorn by trickery to augment my purse. This, sir, is confidential ; read, then “spike it." * But I must tell you that your jolly’ sheet Fills me with grief, with pity. Each bright column Tells of a tragedy in your retreat— Of sad young jokes that died, and jingles solemn. Nay, you mistake; my pity 's not for you. (if twere, you know, I wouldn't send you this one.) ‘Think of us +*struggling ” brave young + author Get frequent checks, of course—yet hate to miss one. Our work is fine. It’s afways “with regret” ‘hat you (always) return it, Be a boomer! Lots of our stuff is funny, now I'll bet, ‘That doesn't even show a sense of humor. T'll bet each day, where'er it is you read And calmly doom the clever stuff we send you, You raise a howl over some simple screed That brings your aides all running to defend you. T'll bet they gather round, with squeaks of juy, To hear some would-be poet's joyous blunder. You laugh! He meant you to, poor, luckless boy ! Why don't you print it? “That's what makes me wonder. My plea is for the fun that is not wit; My faith is in the dullness that is funny— Partly because you'd win great joy by it, Mostly, Lown, because I need the money. Now, just to show I'm right, as well as game, Tif have moved your mind to newer work Til let you print this—but don’t use my name (Unless you scem to need it)——cuastex rinxixs, * Stamped envelope inclosed. HAPPY SOLUTION. “MY DEAR,” said the bridegroom the day after they had returned from their wedding journey, “I have a suggestion to make that I think will work to our mutual satisfaction and benefit.” «Now, John, darling,” said the bride, preparing to weep at the slightest excuse, ** remember, I never said I could cook ”- + Don't worry ; it isn't about your cooking. It is about the letters you write and ask me to mail. It strikes me that we might be hap- pier “—— + If I didn't write to any one? Oh, John, how "—— “Wait until I have finished, my dear. All I want to suggest is that you mail your own letters, so I won't be forever forgetting them, and in return for doing that I will sew all my buttons on. By doing 40 it seems to me we will overcome two obstacles to married happiness that have caused trouble since buttons and letters were invented.” And the little bride, having checked her tears, agreed to try the plan. A WELL-PAYING BUSINESS. THE following advertisement appeared in a paper of a small town in Colorado: For sale—An old-established, well-paying undertaker’s establish- ment. The city is in a very unhealthy location, where the mortality is very great. There is only one doctor in the whole town. The deaths from fever alone pay the expenses, and the rest is clear profit. There is no competition, THE MATINEE IDOL. To hear Harold Hotalr, the actor, tell it, his morning mail looks like this, JUDGE'S FAVORITES. LOUISE DRESSER IN ABOUT TOWN." What is it, do you ask us, That makes the old town gay? Well, for one thing, we've got the price To come and see your play. But this is about the size of it. FOR THE AUTO SHOW. FLOWERS—Car-nations. Sweets—Car-amels, Illness—Car-buncle, Medicine—Car-bolic. Vegetable—Car-rot. Flavor—Car-away. Author—Car-lisle. Pictures—Car-toons, Token of affection—Car-ess. Color—Car-mine. Music —Car-ol. THE VERY IDEA! Waggsby— According to the President's message, in its reference to race suicide, he ought to be very friendly to the Pullman company.” Nagesby—« Why ?” Waggsby— Who else has so religiously kept up the berth-rate ?” IDOLATRY. ¢ JENNINGS: just about worships his auto.” ««T know it. In it he lives and moves and has his being.” IOWADAYS, when a dinner is given in a man’s honor, it’s hard to tell whether he is a guest or a victim. EXPERIENCE HIS TEACHER. * Pa, what is the most unlucky month for marrying ?"" “ Nobody kin tell another that, Lizzy. I had ter find out fer myself.” MODERN ADVERTISING. 0 YOU know why Smith got that position for which you failea to qualify—say, do you ? His hands and face and linen were perfectly clean. The man who had the selection of an incumbent for that place believed a neat man would do more work than a half-dirty one. . Do you know your skin has much to do with your business ? Skin is closely associated with most businesses. It is with ours. If you wash often enough you can always be busy. We know a Chinaman who washes all the time, an¢ makes a good living, too. His complexion is also very no- ticeable. Have you a little ferry in your home? If so, you can wash in it all the time when the boats aren't crossing. The Skin-Scrub Co., Sinclairville, Ill. (In answering advertisements please mention this ar- ticle in the kindliest way you can.) stmicxtan w. citutax. SAD OCCASION. 46 VES,” said the old man reminiscently, + when Saintlie died they wuz unyversal grief. Th’ whole popylation turned out to his funeral, th’ business houses wuz shet, an’ every meetin’-house bell in th’ town wuz a-ringin’. Yes, they wuz twenty bells a-ringin’, all tolled.” But the next funeral in that town was not so large. NAIL THIS, QUICK! ‘ ower has he named his motor Wilton ?” «+ Because it’s his car-pet ?* comicbooks.com