Judge, 1906-12-22 · page 27 of 48
Judge — December 22, 1906 — page 27: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains two satirical pieces mocking American social customs of the era. **"Uncle Daniel Dewberry in the Rush Lunch-Room"** depicts an elderly, seemingly rural man (Uncle Daniel) bewildered by fast-food diner culture and its slang. Waiters shout abbreviated orders—"ham and ——," "dogs," "midnights" (black coffee), "one cow" (milk), "chinee" (iced tea), "squealer" (pork), "trotters" (pig's feet)—which confuse the old-fashioned patron. A youth in a green sweater explains this jargon, illustrating the cultural gap between traditional and modern American life. The satire targets both the incomprehensible efficiency of rush-hour dining and the generational confusion it creates. **"Sweet Christmas Cheer"** is a poem with parenthetical asides mocking the commercialization and cheapness underlying holiday sentiment. While the text celebrates Christmas generosity, the asides reveal stingy reality: a dime cigar as a gift, a back-comb in a box—undermining the poem's professed sentimentality.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
UNCLE DANIEL DEWBERRY IN THE RUSH LUNCH-ROOM. ——“ ol Uncle Daniel Dewberry entered one of the rush lunch-rooms and cautiously seated himself at one of the many little tables. Uncle Daniel toyed with his Japanese paper napkin and waited patientlyto give hic order, but no one paid the least bit of attention to him. The waiters shot past with swaying pyramids of plates and dishes like automa- tons on wheels. The orders they shouted back to the kitchen mystified him. “Ham and like an ex-pugilist. « Make it two.” ** Ham and what ?” ventured Uncle Daniel, touching the waiter’s apron, The jer frowned, « That's all!" he biurted, * Ham and ——.” “But ham and what ?" persisted Uncle Daniel. Na whats about it, old spinach! Just ham and ——. Understand? Just ham and—.” And the juggler of dishes was gone. Across the table a lanky youth in a voluminous green sweater ” thundered a waiter who looked grinned. + Yer don’t seem to get on to de style of der ranch, pap?” he remarked over his wedge of pie. “No, by heck !" drawled the old man. I've heard tell of this new abbreviated spelling, but when it comes to leaving out whole words I get mixed up.” Another waiter was approaching. ** Dogs!" he bellowed.“ Bow-wows, four!" Uncle Daniel gasped in astonishment. “Great Jericho !" he ejaculated. “ Do-lo they call for dogs in this place ?" Some di that like sausage. When they " Do tell Again the waiter swept past. ** Midnights !" he roared. * One cow, one chinee, squealers and Germany; trotters for two; one Dutch disturbance; earthquakes for three ; snakes!" Uncle Daniel almost toppled out of his chair. “In the name of Noah Web- ster, tell me what that lunatic means !” he exclaimed. The youth in the green sweater smiled. “Sure, pap. In the first place, he yelled for *midnights.’ That means two cups of coffee without milk or sugar. Sports drink it to tone up their stomachs, and they call it midnight because it is black. See? One cow means a glass of milk, and a chinee is a glass of iced tea. Squealers and Germany stands for pork and sauerkraut, and trotters is the lunch-room gab for pigs’ feet. Sometimes they call them knuckles.” A Dutch disturb- ance is a limburger sandwich, and earthquakes are scrambled eggs. Snakes? Oh, they are round buns, elucidated the youth in the green sweater. Those 1 frankfurters they call fordachshunds.” A SAFE ONE. Santa CLaus—" Four to one | make a bigger hit with little Johnny than you do." or off,” drawled Uncle Daniel doubtfully. «I'm all mixed up. But who is that chap with all those empty dishes 2” “Oh, that’s the omnibus ” Uncle Daniel arose and put on his hat. “Good-bye, young man," he exclaimed ; “I think instead of get- ting into an eating-house [ must have wandered into a lunatic asylum, by heck !" And the old man made his way slowly and carefully out to the street. VICTOR A. HERMANN. SWEET CHRISTMAS CHEER. NOW COMES the blessed Christmas time, When all the earth is glad and gay. Peace reigns supreme in every clime— (Now, whom must I buy gifts for, pray ?) Love swells in every heart, and hands Are busy with the Christmas cheer— (U'm sure my hushand understands His gift will not cost much this year.) How sweet to give to dear papa Some fair memento of the day ! (Ul purchase him a dime cigar— That's all I can afford to pay.) Dear ma, how like an angel, fair, She seems at this, the Christmas. tide! (Ul buy a back-comb for her hair And put it in a box, Beside.) Sweet charity! Upon this day Thy loving kindness should beguile t (T'll give sis back that veil of gray— It’s not becoming to my style.) Ard while my heart is full of bliss and they look like snakes because they go around in curls. Are yer on?” “T don't know whether I'm on AFTER-CHRISTMAS THOUGHTS. Oh, wifey, | can’t cuss at you, Because these ropes are bally. So—maledictions on the head Of old Sir Walter Raleigh: And joyous Christmas ecstasy, ~ Til send the children each a kiss— That's quite enough, I'm sure, me. LURANA W. SHELDON. comicbooks.com