Judge — December 8, 1906 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

oS SAKES So ANYTHING TO BEAT THE RAILROAD. Henry Snort. t's jes’ what I'm goin’ ter do.”” What's the complaint?” Well, Lawyer Conkey says I've got a good case ag'in ‘em, but I ain't hed time ter git Jes’ exactly the p'ints o° the case as yil. BY A HAIR'S BREADTH. THE prisoner at the bar was on trial for forgery. His case had fared very badly. Of the evidence introduced against him, by far the most damaging was offered by a bald-headed expert who testified that the prisoner's handwriting was unmistakably the same as the forged signature. The prisoner's attorney arose to cross-examine. ** Mr. Wallace," he said sharply, ‘are you a professional handwriting expert 2” +No, sir; Ido not make my living that way “The study of handwriting is merely a side issue with you?" “Yes, sir,” replied the witness, sweeping his hand over his bald head. *« What is your business, Mr. Wallace ?” “1am a manufacturer of toilet preparation: «+ What is the nature of these preparations ? « Well, I manufacture a face-powder.”” ++ Anything else 2” “Yes, shampoo soap.” «+ Anything else 2” + Nothing of importance.” + Please answer the question, Mr. Wallace.” « Well "—the witness seemed to hesitate before replying—I manufacture a hair-restorer. The attorney stared for a mo- ment at the bald head of the ness. ‘+ Ah!" he exclaimed, a hair-restorer ?” «Yes, sir.” “Mr. Wallace, will your sir; a “hear yer goin’ ter sue the railroad thet runs ‘cross yer farm?” MOTOR-CAR RAG-TIME. “The popularity of the automobile among all classesis clearly demowstrated by the vanous waltemelodies and rag-time classics in which & motor-car is the principal topic. Following the enormous success of “ Motor-car Mamie” and Papa, Has ‘child-ballac Comes the new hi Back Your Motor-car "Its publishers predict an ‘unprecedented sale of this eatchy, sentimental narrative, and with their per- mmission we print the words. It is slightly lacking in raison d'etre, tut bas been sung to tremendous applause by Luella St. the Red Soubrette. At a café all full of swells, All drinking beer and wine ight suppers— ‘Their squandering was a crime— ‘A young man sat there with a girl, A-holding hands serene ; For she was but a shop-girl, Used to selling crinolene, (Change here to minor key.) Now, listen to me, Mag," said he ; Don't be a great big dunce. Don't work no more in that old store ; Come, marry me at once. ‘The girl, she looked him in the eye, ‘Then threw her glass away And kicked the champagne-bucket down, ‘These words she then did say : Refrain, “Take back your motor-car. ‘That you're false I've seen. You can never lure me With the smell of gasolin Don't never speak to me again ; I'm going home to ma. My lover is a plumber, So take back your motor-car!"* ‘The crowd looked ‘round and seen the fuss, For they were much alarmed. ‘They knew she was a young thing— Wouldn't stand to see her harmed. ‘An old man up and shook his fist, And he was pretty full. “ Don't try to steal this “+ For she's respectable says he, (Change to minor again.) The crowd all sobbed and wept with tears; The villain grit his teeth. He seen a lemon handed him, And knew he'd come to grief. So then the bouncer came along— He was the real, real thing. He gove it tothe villain good ‘ne crowd, they then did Refrain. “Take back your motor-car,” etc. M. WoRTH COLWELL. “Yes, sir,” in a confidential tone. «That's all,” said the attorney dryly. The jury retired and in five minutes brought back a verdict of not guilty, DWIGHT SPENCER ANDEESON. STILL USEFUL, THOUGH, ‘HE editor-in-chief of the Hughesopolis Gaszoof sat with his accor- dion-pleated brow in his shapely hand. His chief assistant looked sympathetically at him and said, “What's worrying you, boss ?” “+ Mukraik’'s plumb off his nanny—plain case of gibbering paresi: **Too bad, too bad!" exclaimed the optimistic assistant but we needn't drop him from the staff. We can put him to writing the answers-to-inquiries column.” Whereupon the great man’s brow cleared noticeably, and he rang for an office-boy to arrange for carrying out his assistant’s suggestion. hair-restorer actually grow hair?” Yes, sir.” “On any head—on a per- fectly bald head 2” NO EGG-PLAY, FOR INSTANCE. First uusician—"* We didn't fare so badly here." Seconp wusican—" Humph! We didn’t, eh? Weren't we requested to leave town?” First musician—" Well, I know; but they were so much more polite about it than they are in some places. ° comicbooks.com