Judge — December 8, 1906 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A SHORT HISTORY OF THE PANAMA CANAL, T WAS in the year 1905 that the momentous phrase was first uttered. “We will make the dirt fly !” said the President of the United States. + We will make the dirt fly !" echoed the Secretary of War. “We will make the dirt fly !" chimed the Panama Canal Commission. + We will make the dirt fly !"" chorused the Canal Bureau of Publicity. “We will thake the dirt fly ! with the shovels. Herewith all hands sat down and waited for an the salaries went on. muttered the men air-ship to be invented, w' In 1935 another brilliant idea was voiced. ++Since the blamed stuff won't fly we will make it walk !" chortled the President of the United States. ++ We will make the dirt wafl “We will make the dirt walk! mission. “ We will make the dirt walk !" blared the Panama Canal Bureau boomed the Secretary of War. roared the Panama Canal Com- of Publicity. “We will make the dirt walk!" grumbled the men with the shovels. Herewith all hands sat down and waited for automatic cork legs to be invented, while the salaries went on. In 1965 another strenuous announcement was proclaimed. + As long as the weakling stuff will neither fly nor walk, we will make it swim !” yelled the President of the United States. + We will make the dirt swim!" megaphoned the Secretary of War. ++ We will make the dirt swim !" rumbled the Panama Canal Com- mission. + We will make the dirt swim!" shrieked the Canal Bureau of Publicity. ‘We will make the dirt swim!" mumbled the men with the shovels. Herewith all hands sat down and waited for a fleet of submarines to be invented, while the salaries went on. In 2005 another dazzling inspiration was given to the world. “Since the despicable stuff will neither walk, fly, nor swim, we will make it skate !" thundered the President of the United States. “We will make the dirt skate!" bellowed the Secretary of War. “We will make the dirt skate!" hollered the Panama Canal Commission. «We will make the dirt skate!” tooted the Canal Bureau of Publicity, “We will make the dirt skate!” gurgled the men with the shovels. Herewith all hands sat down and waited for the lower regions to freeze over, while the salaries went on. In 2035 a meteor fell and knocked the stuffing out of exactly the right spot, and as the two oceans rushed together in fond embrace the canal was finished. ALAS! A BID stood musing on the ie, With an expression hapless, Because the skating was so nice And his old bucklers strapless. A MODERN VIEW-POINT. Miss Prim— Now, children, why did Joseph and Mary flee to Egypt by night ?°* my Tatters —» Because they owed their rint.” HE smell of the average disinfectant does much to reconcile us to a pros- pect of taking the disease it is meant to NOT THE ETERNAL. 46D )RESSES and hats ! dress- es and hats!" we ex- claimed, in an effort to be wit- tily philosophical, “It is the eternal feminine.” “No,” corrected our ex- act friend. ‘It is the external feminin ROBINSON'S LITTLE JEST. ROBINSON CRUSOE had just been discussing the tariff with his man Black Fri- day, and incidentally urging the passage of some active im- migration laws. “There's one thing, how- ever, that I wish most of all,” said Rob irrelevantly, ‘and that is that they would hurry and invent the cash-register.” Friday knew there was a gag coming, so he refused to ask why. + Because,” went on Rob- inson, “when we got up of a morning and scanned the hori- zon for passing vessels and saw nothing, we could just give the JUDGE'S FAVORITES. RAY PADELLA, VAUDEVILLE SINGER, NOW STUDYING IN PARIS. Your tones are so op'ratic That we don't exactly see Why you should seek a better voice "Way off in gay Pare. *no-sail' key a whack and go on about our business.” Whereupon Friday went and telephoned to some of his cannibal relatives, to assure them that his benefactor had certainly passed the edible stage. THE INFLUENCE OF THE OLD WOOD-CUT. HE two children of the family selves, for Tommy was admiring his first pair of pants. he looked up at his sister and said, were having a quiet time by them- Fina! Janet, does God wear pants 2” No; He only wears night-gowns,” was the quick response. A FRENCH REMNANT. Frencn crzen—" Well, count, | see you have been divorced by that rich American wife. I sup- pose you are left with; anything but your character."* Frencn count: prevent. *Oh, merci! I have nuzzings left but ze alimony.” comicbooks.com