Judge — November 24, 1906 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

‘THE THANKFULNESS OF HIRAM. LD Hiram Hopkinson was the meanest man on Pusley Creek. He wouldn't even give thanks, He said he ought to be paid for them. «What's the good of giving something for nothing 2” he growled. “ Nobody gives me anything. What I get I have to pay cash for. Huh? No,I won't. If anybody gets anything out of Hiram Hopkinson he pays cash for it. That's me, and that's business," This speech had come to the ears of Mrs. Hopkinson, a kindly soul and Hiram’s only claim to a happy hereafter, and she told him she hoped that what she had heard was not true, “But it is," he persisted. «I said just that, and I meant it. I mean it now.” “Oh, Hiram !" she cried, “it's wicked—it's wicked ! You have plenty to be thankful for, and the good Lord will make you thankful. You see if He doesn't.” Hiram snorted defiance and went out to hitch up the team. It was early in November, and he had a wagon- load of turkeys to take to town. Hiram’s turkeys were fine and fat always, and he got the top of the market for them. Some time next day Hiram complained to his wife of a sore bump on his neck. She took a look and reported that it looked to her like a ++ bealin’.” By the second day it was a fully-developed boil, and it was very busy. Hiram went around with his head twisted to one side. At night there was a flax-seed poultice on it as big as a plate. Mrs. Hopkinson had put it there. On the morning of Thanksgiving day Hiram’s boil was bigger than a turkey-egg, and he was laid up in bed. **Poor Hiram his kindly wife as she smoothed down his pillow, you haven't got anything to be thankful for to-day, have you?” «Yes, I have, Susan," he replied ; “yes, Ihave. I'm darned thankful that I've got only one boil, I might have had a dozen, you know. “And I'm thankful, too, Hiram,” she said, sweet and low, and took his hand in hers. Thus there was Thanksgiving in the house of Hopkinson. soothed ENCOURAGING HIM. STEN dollars for contempt?” snorted the captured automobilist, glowering at the mild-faced country justice of the peace. “Ten dollars for contempt of your measly court? Why, say!" Here he drew a hundred-dollar bill from his purse and flung it on the table and roared, “If you think my contempt only amounts to ten dollars you've made the mistake of your life. There's a hundred dollars—but it's only on account. Understand? Only on account!" The mild-faced jus- tice took the bill and INGENUOUS LAD. +4GO YOU want a position 2" asked the business man of the bright- faced youth. +" What can you say in your favor ?” “Sir,” replied the earnest lad, «+I was given letters of recommen- dation by our pastor, by my Sunday-school teacher, by the president of the W. C. T. U., and by my grammar-school teacher, and ": “That will do. Iam afraid we have no place for "—— “But I tore their letters up, sir, I thought that the best recom- mendation would be to work a week and then you could get a line on my future speed.” “Good boy! You're engaged.” THE INVENTORY THAT CHEERS. Mas. Jones—“ Whatever have we got ter be thankful fer, Silas?” Mr. Jones— Wa-al, th’ mortgage hez bin foreclosed on th’ farm, so we hain't got ter pay no more interest an’ taxes; th’ autermobile‘s bin attached fer debt, s0 we hain't got ter worry about that no more; Johnny Smith hez thrown over our daughter Sal, so we won't have him ter support. thankful fer.”* Great Scott, Maria! we've got everything ter be MISS MUFFET. LITTLE Miss Muffet thought she could bluff it And take a good seat at the play. She was craning her neck When they asked for her check, And ushered Miss Muffet away. COMPETENT. +40 YOU believe yourself capable,” said the editor, ++ of satisfacto- rily filling our vacancy for a dramatic critic. What are your qualifications ?" “ Well,” responded the peevish caller in a harsh voice, «I've tried tobe an actor and failed ; I've written four hundred folded it carefully. Tuck- ing it into his breeches dramas which nobody will accept as a gift; and pocket, he said, + T never knowingly made an enemy in my life, stranger; but, by heck ! want you to hate me. There's another hundred due on account right now.” DIAGNOSED. ++ HENRY,” asked the Sunday-school teacher, “what is the conscience ?" «The conscience,” answered little Henry, «sis what you have after you have been eating cake and jam and things out of the pantry, and then you have to take my inherited fortune has been lost in disastrous attempts to make myself a theatrical manager.” “The job's yours cried the editor with a sob of joy. LABOR-SAVING. Little girl — “My mamma is home wash- ing the dishes.” Little boy —" We don’t have to wash no dishes. My mamma keeps a dog.” GRATEFUL LENGTH. +6 LJOW is the new choir?” “Well, if you must know, I was sorry when the minister stopped castor-oil, and that cures the conscience.” HIS LAST WORDS. ‘Tue Turkey—"' | hope you and your whole durned fam'ly ‘Il have indigestion!"" preaching.” comicbooks.com