Judge — September 29, 1906 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE PRICE OF GHOSTS. HOSTS are going up. Ten years possible for fifty cents in a circle, or at the most one dollar, to see a respectable ghost and get a tip on the stock market thrown in Now it takes all the way from two to five dollars for the same result. We are, of course, aware that on every hand the price of necessities has risen. But a ghost is a good deal more than a necessity—he is a posi- tive luxury, and he ought to come easier. It js contended by mediums that ghosts must live as well as others, and that at only fifty cents an office visit, any reputable ghost would in a short time be reduced to a skeleton. A visit to the amalgamated ghost exchange during the last week shows the following range of prices A plain ghost, either male or female, that you cannot see, but who raps you on’ the head, one dollar ; with test, fifty cents extra. spirits range from two dollars and fifty cents to five dollars, according to the distance and experi- ence. This is for single visits. Competent guardian spirits who know their business, every night and morning, for eight dollars per week. Constant attendance from thirty dollars to forty dollars per week. Affinities bring, in some cases, extraordinary prices. Ifa young girl, who, when you were eating green apples, passed out into the spirit-land, and has since become your affinity, is sent for, the price is ten dollars for the first visit. If you wish her materialized so you can kiss her readily in a dark room with a red glow in it, ten dollars it was Guardian JEANNE TOWLE IN extra Departed members of the family are the most reasonable ghosts we have. Grandfathers rule moderate, from fifteen cents to thirty-five cents. There is no demand for uncles, aunts or cousins. They come for nothing. By joining a circle, one can keep in touch with ghosts very much cheaper—about fifty cents a touch. But there are many proud, sensitive souls who don't like to be so promiscuous. It is like kissing your best girl good-bye in a railroad station. The time is coming when we will be able to press a button and have any ghost we want sent to our room C. O. D. or charged for by the month. Then, when we need to be chirked up we can sit in pajamas and play bridge for high stakes with an Indian control for a partner and a pair of guardian spirits for adversaries, and run the risk of losing only the entrance-tee. ToM Masson. JUDGE'S FAVORITES. “THe HAM TREE." The leaves now turn to sere decay Upon most all the trees we know— “ The Ham Tree” ‘Il never fade that way So long as you stay with the show. WE ARE SEVEN. ] MET simple litle maid With eyes as blue as heaven. Tasked, “How many may you be?” She answered, “We are seven. “My grandma and my sister Jane, My father and my mother ; Then there ’s myself and Theodore, And Jim, my little brother.” + But Jimmy in my office works,”” T answered, sore dismayed ; “He told me that his grandma died When last the Giants played. “ Four days since then I gave to him For funerals so tearful The family mortality Is really something fearful. So they are dead, those five are dead, Their spirits are in heaven.” "Twas throwing words away, for still She answered, ‘We are seven.’ MC LANDRURGH WILSON. THE SWEETEST MEAT. Uncle Silas sat down to supper that evening, his wife Chloe had a nice dish of savory fried chicken for him, The old eyes sparkled and his mouth watered as he gazed fondly at the tempting viands, and he could scarcely wait to invoke the divine blessing. After an eager mouthful or two he looked over at his wife Wha’ yo" done git dis yer fowl, Chloe ?” he asked suspiciously. “1 done buyed hit outen a wagon,” she replied with honest satisfaction. He smacked his lips several times as if to be assured of the taste. “Um, um !" he said critically, «I wuz a-tinkin’ hit didn’t some- how tas’e ez sweet ez dem yar pullets Eph'um done fotch in tudder WHEN man’s mawnin| It is hardly necessary to state that Ephraim hadn’t bought his. J. LAMPTON. IT SURELY WOULDN'T. Country-hotel proprietor—" \ tell you, we've got the only little town worth living in, Clear out where it’s quiet and clean and rest- ful, and yet close to the great city. Think of it—supper here at my place and breakfast in Chicago—I guess that ain't bad, eh ?" Quiet guest (musingly)—" Breakfast in Chicago, right after one of your suppers—no, you ‘re right. It wouldn't go bad at all.” FUNNY thing about a mortgage—if you cancel it you can’t sell it. “ Locked out, no latch-key, and Mary not yet home from the shore. This is tough.” “Well, one might as well be cheerful.” * 3 “Why, there ’s my latch- key.” “Acinch, * Just a song at twilight.” ONE SONG IN JUST THE RIGHT KEY. comicbooks.com