Judge — September 22, 1906 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Teton CE RNS BRIGHT FACES GEOGRAPHICAL—THE BLACK SEA. REPORT OF THE FEELD SEKRETARY ON ENGLISH ROTE EZE. R. KARNAGY—Sir: After luking over the feeld and konsidering the subject thoroly, I beg to report that everything is O. K., and we are nocking the dickshunary in good shape. The aksession of the Prezzydent to owr ranks has helpt a lot, but I regret to say he haz hurt us also, The mane trubble seems to be that owr honorable and excel- lent cheef konvert haz a name that bids defiunse to owr prinsiples. Here is what owr good friend, Henry Watterson, hoos name sounds jest like it lukes, says on this point : “Nuthing escapes Mr. Rucevelt. No subject is tu hi fr him to takl nor tu lo for him tu notis. Ile makes tretis without the consent of the Senit. He ine forces such laws as meet his approval, and fales to se those that du not soot him. He now assales the English langgwidg, constitutes himself a sort of French Academy, and wil reform the speling in a way tu soot himself. + We have ventured to spell the name of the President, Rucevelt quite likely that meny will say that is not his name. But the majori people pronounce it thus, the first silabel riming with goose. There are others, of course, who pronounce it differently ; but if we unsettle the speling already establisht pepel wil spel according to their ideas of sound, and the name of the President, which it appears fu pepul no how to pronounce, must take its chances with the rest. Stil it is a safe guess (or gess) that he will continue to sine Roosevelt., Perhaps Theodore Rucevelt would not be recognized in forin lands.” Thare seems to be sum objekshun tu hafway mezzures. Pep! say let it be hole hog or nun, It is pointed out that folks use to spel alto- gethr the wa yu want us tu, For instunse, we read in Lord Bacon's + Advancement of Learning,” published in the year 1605 : “The Tvvoo Bookes of Francis Bacon, Printed for Henri Tomes, and are to be souled at his shop in Graies Inne Gate in Holborne. History is Naturall, Civile, Ecclesiasticall, & Literary.” But I hav not bin able to change any- body's opinion by such kwotashuns, for tha say Bacon waz on the pork, anywa, A lot of peple ar up in arms agenst us becaws tha hav just bot nu dikshun- ary. Wun man rites tu me tuday : “How abowt that noo dickshunary that T hav just bot? Iz that to be put out uv comishun by the Prezzerdunt’s ordor? And if it iz, hoo iz goin to pa me for it? T can't uford to blo in my muny for a neo dickshun- ary evry da, and evn if I could. evn if I wuz mayd uv muny, whare wood I git the dick- shunarys? I shood think it mite taik kwite sum time, evn wurking nite and da, to git up a noo dickshunary. And in the menetiem whare wood we be? Woodn’t we hav in this fare land uv ours the gratest wurd riut ever wuz? Woodn't pepul in general awl looz thare heds, more or les? And prewfreders, in partikulur, awl go plum starin krazi? “ANksHUS MAS Here is what another hunker rites : “T wud suggest a nu stachu for the White Hows grounds: ‘Theodor Rozefelt handin Noa Webster a lemmun.' Uv koarse I hav tride tu make plane tu all that we ar not going tu du mutch tu the langgwij—just an operashun to remoov the appendix ; but evrybody ses, “if you begin we wil cut luse and spel any old wa we like.” Mr. cal It is tu laff. Tha kant spel anyway. oe For yeers tha hav nockt the langgwij, and now tha nock the nockers, Tam grately enkurreged tu tind’ sum hoo go all the wa with us, Tha hav red books, and tha no the langgwidge never waz spelt enny tu good. A fu hundred yeers ago English waz a purty bad mess, and its bin nockt so often that a fu more nocks more or less wunt matter. + Yores, B. GRANDER MATHTHUZE.” LOVE'S ANSWER CAN you cook, darling ?” asked her fiancé eagerly, for he was no Crassus. "Can I cook 2" she sneered. + Do you suppose I'd be silly enough to marry a poor clerk if I could make forty dollars a month and my THE CONDESCENSION OF GREATNESS. “Kin yer stan’ on yer head?" “No: I cannot.’ “Well, yer needn't feel bad about it. I couldn't, neider, once.” NEW USE FOR THE HONK, HONK. Mistress—* What on earth are you doing with the auto horn?" t— Oi always carry wan, mum, to warh the kape out av me way.” AN IMPLIED LIMERICK. A FELLOW who worked in a drug-house Had a brother employed in a carpet-store ; But their staying apart Broke each fond brother's heart, And ere long they were both in the insane.asylum, FAMOUS. They tell me that you distinguished yourself at football last year. Ma. Grunt—"' Well, | acquired the reputation of being the best ‘ rooter on the team." comicbooks.com