Judge — September 22, 1906 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

. The Most Popular After-dinner Speech: “Give mea Glass of Liqueur The Supreme After- dinner Cordial Eagle Liqueur Distilleries RUEINSTROM BROS. Cincinnati, U. 8. A. ASK FOR and see that you get OLD CROW RYE Sold everywhere in bottles. Never sold in bulk. CAPSULES BLOOD POISON FOR MORE THAN TWENTY YEARS. we have made the cure of Ilood Poison a specialty." Blood Polson Permanently Cored. You can be treated at home under same guar- and ‘pains, Mocoas "Patches 1m, Mouth, S Throat, Pimples, Copper-Colored Spots, Ulcers ‘on any part of the falling oot, write for prools of cures. 10o-page Book Free. COOK REMEDY Co. 1480 MASONIC TEMPLE, Chicago, IIL, U.S. A. Suage JUSS PRIMMER UV NU SPELLINGS, COMPILED FROM JOSH BILLINGS AND A. WARD. Fey a ear Thereg havin no politics, I made bold to visit Old Abe at his humstid in Spring- field. 1 found the old feller in his parler, surrounded by a perfeck swarm of orfice seekers. Knowin he had been capting of a flat boat on the roarin Mississippy I thought I'd address him in sailor lingo, so sez I, * Old Abe, ahoy! Let out yer main-suls, reef hum the forecastle & throw yer jib-poop over-board! Shiver my timbers, my harty !" [N. B, This is ginuine mariner langwidge. I know, becawz I've seen sailor plays acted out by them New York theater fellers.] Old Abe lookt up quite cross & sez, “Seni in yer petition by & by. I can't possibly look at it now. Indeed I can't. It's onpossible, sir!” “Mr. Linkin, who do you spect I air ?” sed I. « A orfice-seeker, to be sure,” Sed he. “Wall, sir,” sed I, “you's never more mistaken in your life. You hain’t gut a orfiss I'd take under no circumstances. I'm A. Ward. Wax figgers is my per- feshun, 1'm the father of Twins, and they look like me—éoth of them. I cum to pay a frendly visit to the President eleck of the United States. to see me, say so—if not, say so, & I'm orf like a jug handle.” I thought Old Abe would go crazy. His house and dooryard was now per- feckly overflowed with orfice seekers, all clameruss for a immejit interview with Old Abe. «Good God !" cride Old Abe, «they cum upon me from the skize—down the chimneys, and from the bowels of the yerth !" He hadn't more ‘n got them words out of his delikit mouth before two fat orfiss-seekers from Wisconsin, in endeverin to crawl atween his legs for the purpuss of applyin for the tollgateship at Milwawky, upsot the President eleck, & he would hev gone sprawlin into the fire-place if I hadn't caught him in these arms. But I hadn't more ‘n stood him up strate before another man cum crashin down the chimney, his head strikin me vilently agin the inards and prostratin my voluptoous form onto the floor. I was so disgusted I wentedst tu onct. WHEN HE KICKED, A Nebraska minister who enjoys the confidence ot the Hon. W. J. Bryan asked the presidential candidate of 1896, just before he was leaving the country on his re- cent tour, what was the best story told about him when he was before the country as the opponent of Major McKinley. “The one I most enjoyed,” he replied, * was told by a commercial traveler who put up at a village tavern in Arkansas. The accommodations were very scant. The traveler slept on the floor. He had no water to wash his hands and face. When he went to breakfast he was out of sorts. He told the landlord that his house ought to be swept away by a hurricane, The landlord made no reply, but invited the traveler to eat, The food was on a par with the traveler's room. He said it wasn't fit for a hog. The landlord was silent and passed up another dish. The traveler threw it on the floor, The landlord picked up the remnants and pitched them into a bucket, and said nothing. Just then a woman, whose appear- ance indicated poverty and poor health, passed through the dining-room. The traveler made a remark about her that was decidedly uncomplimentary, saying that he didn’t wonder the grub was not fit to eat if she prepared it. The landlord never uttered a word of protest. The traveler left the table and asked for his bill. As the landlord scraped up the bottom of his till to make change the traveler asked him, * How do you stand on this sixteen to one craze, anyhow ?” Then the land- lord's wrath asserted itself and he hit his guest between the eyes."—American Spectator. OVERHEARD IN INDIANA, “Penner is hard at work on a yellow novel called ‘ Hardwood Harry, the Horse Thief. ** That so?” «Yes; but I have him beaten by six editions, with my great story entitled ‘Abner, the Automobile Pilferer.’ sell like hot cakes.” * Back to the Wabash ! will leave your pamphlet at the post.” Great Homer! What is it called ?” Wait until I swamp the public I tell you, it will Don't you know I am at work on a modern novel that It is already posted as one of next year’s best sellers."—Chicago News. THE EFFECT OF IT. Hicks—" For gootiness’ sake! Look at Crabbe, He just got up and actually gave that old lady his seat. I never saw him do that in a car before.” Wicks —“Crabbe’s changed his ways. I showed him an article in the paper the other day about an eccentric old lady who left twenty-five thousand dollars to a young man who was polite to her in a street-car."—Catholic Standard and Times. Do you get up tired and feel tired all day? Try a tablespoonful of Abbott's. Angostura Bitters in sweetened water before meals, At | grocers’ or druggists’, One of the nicest things about being married is how much money you could | save if you should get over it. Ex. If so be you wants, «Why, ‘ Archibald, the Airship Appropriator ; or, Arrested in Aérial Arcadia. ; In the Fall the healthy man’s fancy naturally turns to EVANS’ ALE to fortify his strength and increase his vigor (Ciobe, Hotels, Resiaarants, and Dealers ran a A TABLE LUXURY When you insure it elininates the chance of loss through your death. Be sure you take no chance in company or form of Policy! Consult the PENN MUTUAL LIFE, 921-3-5 Chestnut St., Philadelphia. CHEW... Beeman’s THE ORIGINAL Pepsin « Gum + « Cares Indigestion and Sensisuaess ‘AML Others are_tettations, or Sale at Every Drag Store seeeenseeed PLASTERERS, sa ICKLAYERS wanted 0 Francs We teach you in few weeks. Union card “CovNe BROS. TRADE. SCHOOLS, St. Loot Rew Ye Hale's Turkleh Halr Elin, A woman seems to be able to overlook her husband's faults when he can buy her automobiles and yachts.—J. Y. Press. Collars ana snd GE BARKER BRAND, i MADE OF LINEN ff "ak 15< pet ROMEIKE’S Prev cats suet clippings which may appear about you, your!" $f any subject on which you want to be “ap to dat Krery, newspaper and periodical of im e Unie iaeearched. Term tcomoticen “Hawny Roumacss 33 Union Squat S- @ “ Defenders of the Rails—The New York Central Lines.” —Utica Herald comicbooks.com