Judge, 1906-05-05 · page 6 of 16
Judge — May 5, 1906 — page 6: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This Judge magazine page contains several satirical pieces mocking contemporary American life: **"Billy's Beatitudes"** parodies religious blessings, humorously listing people society overlooks or undervalues—the lame, the bald, the jailed, the old maid—suggesting they face fewer worldly burdens. It's gentle social satire about life's ironies. **"He Flew the Coop"** is a pun-heavy dialogue between a young man and gardener about an egg-plant, featuring poultry-related wordplay ("perch," "cackle," "crow," "pullet"). The joke relies entirely on forced bird puns that escalate to violence—typical of Judge's sometimes groan-worthy humor style. **"The Monopolist"** depicts economic exploitation: a stranded motorist asks a man for help; the reply—"How much yeh got?"—cynically suggests the helper will charge whatever the desperate customer can afford, satirizing predatory business practices. The illustrations are period cartoons with exaggerated features typical of early 20th-century satirical magazines.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
BILLY’S BEEATTITOODS, LESSUD iz thee cat what iz not black, for it iz not bad luck. Blessud iz thee snaik, for it don’t have enny corns'onn its feat. Blessud iz thee Kristyun sientissed, for hee nevver noes when he iz hurt. Blessud iz thee laim mann, for pee- pul can’t tell whenn hee iz staggering. Blessud iz thee mann with long whiskurz, for hee don’t haf too bi neck- tize. Blessud iz thee mann with a short throte, for it izn't soe badd when it is soar. Blessud iz thee mann with small ize, for not verry mutch dust can git in um, Blessud iz thee mann with sighed whiskurz, for hee haz reeched thee limmit. Blessud iz thee woman whoo haz lost her hed, for shee don’t nead to bi a noo hatt. Blessud iz thee mann with a muther-in-law, for hadeez haz no terrers for hymn. _ Blessud iz thee mann whoo iz in jale, for hee don’t haf too bi enny cole for next wintur. Blessud iz thee wooman whoo can cri eezy, for verrily shee alwaiz gets whot shee goze afftur. Blessud iz thee mann whoo doze not smoak, for hee can spend hie munney onn sum other vice. Blessud iz thee mann who can reed frentch, for hee can tell whot hee iz eeting in a swell hotell. Blessud iz thee oled made, for shee don't haf to worry abowt whear hir huzband iz att nite. Blessud iz thee mann with thee balled hed, for hee don’t nead to waist enny time comeing hiz hare. Blessud iz thee wooman whoo chose gum, for when sbee iz choo- ing gum shee iz not chooing thee rag. wi ReeD pexnor. HE FLEW THE COOP. 4SYJHAT do you do,” WwW he asked the gar- dener, + when the egg-plant has been properly set?” Realizing that there was a hen on, the grizzled old gardener advised the young man to come off the perch, laughing sarcastic- ally. «Don’t cackle at me,” advised the young man, “If Twasn’t afraid you would crow over me I'd ask you what you would do with the egg-plant.”” “I'd pullet.” Which angered the old gardener so much that he pursued the youth with a hatchet. CONSIDERATE. Pat— They do say thot young Dr. Callahan is “Perhaps; but Oi'll say this fer young Dr. Callahan—he hasn't killed annybody yit but phat wud hov died annyway, some toime.”” VERY TRUE. HE man who doesn't treat women deferen- tially either doesn't know enough or knows too many. ‘THE MONOPOLIST. “Me man, we've broken down. What would you charge to haul us to the village?” “How much yeh got?" we IN THE LANGUAGE OF THE CIRCUS MAN. S6QAY, young feller !" roared the fierce-looking manager of a cheap circus to a smooth-shaven kid of six years, who had found his way into the canvas by way of his stomach, «what do you suppose would ultimately become of this mammoth, mastodonic aggregation of pompous and glittering splendor, this gorgeous array of majestic beasts of the far-away African forest, superbly trained by masterly hands of fearless men at enor- mous expense, this magnifi- cent exhibition of genuine chariot-horses direct from the Roman stables, and these roy- al elephants with their stately equipage, and, mind you, this brilliant conglomeration of three thousand bare-back rid- ers—what would become, I ask you, of the whole consarn out- fit if we allowed every bloom- ing idiot to crawl into our tent without liquidating the usual price of admission, which is the small sum of fifty cents, or half price for children?” «+ Whatcher — say — mis- ter?” answered the bewil- dered, dirty-faced intruder. “I said,” responded ‘the manager of the cheap circus, “that you could go over yonder and select the best seat in the re- served row. Don't you understand plain English ?” THE HOUSE BEAUTIFUL. KATIE HALLORAN had scarcely left the immigrant depot before she found a place in a Manhattan family. Shortly after her in- stallation as maid-of-all-work her mistress descended to the culinary lower regions in search of information. «+ Katie," said the lady of the house, “did anything come from the store to-day ?”” up where ut wud look foine.” *You—put it—up?” faltered mum" apprehen- +« Where?” Oi'll show ye, mum,” said Katie, leading the way tothedining-room. +*Thim mottoes is illigant,” she continued, and then point- ed proudly at her handi- work. There, securely nailed above the dining-room man- tel, was a new fibre door- mat bearing the hospitable greeting, * Welcome.” sively. ‘THE SAFEST COURSE. Politician—* Your brother-in-law, big Mike Callahan, has applied for a political job. Can you safe- ly recommend him ?” Costigan —" Well, Oi couldn’t safely do annything UNSELFISH. Ainister—" Thope you love your neighbor as your- self, Brother Brown?” Brown—« Yes; but I'm no egotist. ITTLE men measure themselves with foot- rules three inches long. comichooks.com