Judge — May 5, 1906 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE TROUBLES OF MOSES AND EPHRAIM. R. MOSES ALEXANDER WASHINGTON of Pinhook tells the following story of the troubles he had out on the Schliff road north of town yesterday : “Yo! see, sah, de trubble wuz laik dis: Ephum White an’ mahse'f done gone out rabbit- huntin’ cl'ar out in de woods, on ol’ man Jack- son's place. Ephum he done bin de bigges’ fool huntah dis chile eber seen. Ephum he kain't shute nuffin’, less'n it's dawgs. We ain't bin dere moh’n haif hour when Ephum ups an’ shutes mah dawg—a good coon an’ rabbit dawg—killed dat dawg dead- er'n Julius Cxsar. Losin’ dat dawg come pooty nigh knockin’ all de sense clean outen mah haid, an’ nex’ ting we all knows mah ol’ fusee go off kerslam when dis chile wa'n't lookin’, an* dere wuz one ob ol” man Jackson's bes’ y'arlin’ calves layin’ stone daid. Yo’ all bet yo'r las’ dol- lah dat Ephum niggah an’ me took a sneak right outen dem woods ‘bout "s sudd'n ’s enny two cullud pussons eber snook ‘way f’um enny place. Yah, yah, yah! Yas, sah; we uas hike right outen dem woods ‘special industr'is.. Eph- um done wuz skairt de wuss Ah eber seen, Ah neber seen a niggah skairt laik wot Ephum wuz skairt, No, sah. Dis chile am pooty good runnah hisse’f, but Ah wuz ‘bout sebenteen jumps behin’ dat skairt niggah when he done struck de waggin. De ol’ hoss, she wa'n't tied ter nuffin’, an’ Ephum he hop in dat waggin an’ gin a yell to dat ol’ nag, an’ off she skoot, wusser skairt, Ah reckon, dan Ephum his- se’f. Den yo’ all oughter bin deré an’ seen dis niggah run. Ah sho'ly made great reco'd. Dat ol’ hoss run an’ Ah run, but she was too fas" fo me, an’ Ah couldn’ git no closah'n ‘bout’ leben feet, an’ dere Ah stuck, runnin’ de whole blessed time laik a steam-ingine. Jes’ ez Ah wuz gwine quit an’ gin it up, Ephum git de idee de ol’ hoss wuz gwine too slow an’ riz up an’ hit huh a slam wid de whip, an‘ dat doggone ol’ beas’ done stop daid still in de middle ob de road so s'prisin’ quick dat dis niggah, ‘fore he could put on de brakes, jam inter de hin’ paht ob dat waggin an’ bus’ de tail-bohd outen an’ ‘bout bus’ de bressbone jucx—"" How Is tt you lavish so much aflection on those dumb brutes?" ‘DNA—"* For want of something better.”* on hisse’f. Ah ain't got no time den ter stop an’ lick dat fool niggah. Ah jes’ crawl in de waggin, an’ off go de ol’ hoss once mo’ laik de debble beatin’ tan-bahk. Den Ephum an’ me we heah a man yellin’, an’ when we look roun’ Ah see ol’ man Jackson comin’ slamitybang on he big white hoss, an’ Ah say ter Ephum, * Ephum,* Ah says, ‘ maik dat ol’ crowbait ob yourn shake he laig fas'r’n dat er me an’ yo’ all two gone coons.’ Ephum, laik de fool niggah what he am, git he gun an’ hol’ it ovah in front by dat ol’ hoss an’ hollah ter me, ‘Git ready !" an’ we bofe lean ovah de dash-bohd an’ hang on so 't de ol’ hoss kain't jerk we uns outen de waggin when she jump when de gun go off, an'den Ephum, he fire. Yah, yah, yah! Yas, sah; Ephum he fire bang! an’ dat ol’ hoss she stop daid still in de road, an’ mahse’f an’ dat fool niggah Ephum we uns tummle out in de road behin’ de hoss, an’ Mistah Jackson he come ‘long an’ c'lec’ fo' dollah fo’ dat calf. Yah, yah, yah! Yas, sal lah fo’ dat calf. time Ah eber go huntin’ wif dat fool niggah, Eph- um. Yo" all heah me shoutin’? Yas, sah. Yah, yah, yah! Las’ time ! OA J. PARKER, THE NET RESULT. Teacher—* A poor man finds a purse con- taining ten twenty-dollar bills, twenty ten-dollar bills, and fifty five- dollar bills, what does it all amount to?” Boy—* A pipe-dream—dat's all.”” FOR THE SAKE OF SPACE. said the man with the visionary eyes, I have devised a plan for irrigating the Sahara desert. If my suggestions are followed, within ten years you will see that barren waste thickly populated.” «And then,” asked the man with the uncertain hair, + what will become of the Bedouins of the desert? Will they be crowded out?” “Not at all. We will make folding Bedouins of them.” Realizing that the man with the visionary eyes is an inhabitant of a modern, neat, six-room flat, the man with the uncertain hair con- cluded that it was time for him to move along. ONITED STATES * All together, now, magazine editors and writers! ae GREAT GAME. ‘See which can find something new to add to the ‘literature of exposure.’