Judge — April 28, 1906 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

WORTHY OF NOTICE, 66 YOU have never served your country on the field of battle; you have never risked your life to save a drowning child ; you have never shared your last crust with a starving fel- low-man; and you have never risen in a hall of state and caused shameless spoilsmen to shrivel beneath the fire of your eloquence.” ‘No; I admit that I have never done any ot those splendid things, but I once made the shortest speech at a banquet.” THE OUTLOOK. oe D®- THIRDLEIGH'S sermon last Sunday night was a great improve- ment over the ones he has been preaching lately. I am so glad he kept the note of pessimism out of it. He has seemed for the past year or so to take such a dismal view of things.” “Yes; it was a wel- come relief to hear him say the world was growing bet- ter. Did you know the trustees had voted to raise his salary twenty per cent. ?” THE USUAL WAY. ‘4 P)OES your wife expect to spend ihe summer abroad ? “No; Lybelieve not. You see, I shall be in Eu- rope during the next six months myself.”” THEIR OBJECT. LL things may come to him who waits, but they usually only come up out of curiositv to see if he is dead. MR. TOOT PHILOSOPHIZES. ME an” Noah ’s jes’ alike—we’s bofe on de watah-waggin. Thank Gawd, it’s de ‘skeeter an’ not de chicken wot gives de yaller fever. Heaven 's all de same, wedder yo" git dere by de football er de yaller-fever road. Trubble neber comes single, but allus atter yo’s married, no mat- tah wedder yo's yo'r wife er yo'r husban’, Lain't pertickler wedder I's a ‘surance president or a hoe-han’. We's all lible fo" ter wind up in de cal- erboose, anyhow. Presbyterian predestination mought be all right fo’ wimmin an’ chillun, but gimme mah razor an’ shank’s mares, an’ blest ef I can't take care ob mahse’f. Chicken taste jes’ ez good wedder it grows in yo'r back yahd er comes ter de fryin’-pan by trial an’ tribulation on adahk night. De Lawd made man fo’ ter eat de beast, anyhow. Sunday mawnin’ I sprained mah t'roat preachin’, an’ Monday night I bu’s' mah laig tryin’ fo" ter git out'n Marse Robert's hen-house ‘fore his gun went off, I sut'nly do hab hahd luck dese days. AR. motos. | : ~~ aw EVERYBODY—BUT FATHER. “Say, Nettie; is that what you call suthin’ to eat?’ “Oh, its just a little light refreshment, papa. “They do? Well, give it to yer mother over there. Everybody takes a little, you know.” She can't see a joke, neither.” WHAT SHE SAID SHE'D SAY and WHAT SHE REALLY SAID. TO THE BUTCHER, YOU might as well break into I Mr. my house some night and would send us a nice steak to- steal my purse as send such mis- We prefer, if possible, erable steak! Do you suppose I alittle better than what will tolerate this infamous treat- ment? Never come here again? wish, Thomas, you morrow. somethin} we had yesterday. TO THE COOK, I trust, Sophy, you have made no engagement to occupy the pat- lor this evening, as my daughter expects her gentleman friend to call, I want you to understand from now on that this is my house, not yours. When you have call- ers they are to be received in the kitchen, not the parlor, Kindly remember your place. TO HER DAUGHTER'S BEAU. Yes, Mr. Slow; Amy is rath- er distant in a way. She doesn't care much for men, and is nota bit silly, like some girls. For- tunately, we are so situated finan- cially that it will never be neces- sary for her to marry. DWIGHT SPEXCER ANDEXSON. It seems to me you have been coming here long enough to get down to business, If 1 didn’t have nerve enough to propose to agirl after spooning with her four years I'd quit. You act as if you thought my daughter some kind of marble statue.