Judge — January 13, 1906 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

OBEY. THE OPTIMIST. O VERY much ado about THE optimist had just had both his legs cut A simple little word off. In the marriage ritual + At least," he murmured gratefully, «I Is really absurd. will no longer be told to step lively.” To ask a woman to obey AN ACADEMIC FABLE. ‘ Shows woeful lack of tact yi In the reverend gentlemen O Who legalize the pact. CE upon a time there was a huge giant, shaped like a boy, and his name was Futball. He was a bruiser from Bloodyville, Don't rile the bride by asking her and he combed his hair with a pitchfork. His If she'll obey the man. every-day clothes looked like the blanket on a It's easy to avoid it runaway nightmare, and he had no better for Without altering the plan. Sundays. He was armed with a great grid- iron, and the way he banged all sorts of edu- cational joints over the head with it was pain- ful in the extreme. College authorities were small potatoes and few ina hill, and he dug into them and shoveled them out regardless, You promise to love, honor, but— Faculties screamed when he appeared and OF course met to obey shook their curricula at him; but he butted ‘And she'll replyy/*# Indeed I:do”. holes into the entire shooting-match and kept ih a ene te ahead with his gory game. Two or three eeeeniaaail institutions compromised with him on condi- AN EYE TO BUSINESS. tion that he might kill but should not mangle 66]F YOU do not marry me I shall take the remains. It was not much of an improve- poison.” ment on the remains. “Well, don't forget that papa is in the But nothing appeared to have any radical drug business, and his aim is to please.” effect on Futball except intense cold, and at When that part of the formula ‘That binds two hearts in bliss Is reached just paraphrase it so The question "s asked like this: JUDGE'S FAVORITES NELLA WEBB, NOW TOURING IN VAUDEVILLE. You cannot know the joyous thrill With which we go for vaudeville IT MADE A DIFFERENCE. Since your name got upon the bill, Fair maid. as You smile? Py Stauton 3h a Nore atl Forsooth, when once we see you act Magenta Le We enter Into a compact POEMS. To see no other. That's a fact, Sweet maid— For a while. last the college authorities transferred their plants to the arctic regions, where, amidst the eternal snows, they could pursue their courses in peace and graduate their matriculates without the as- sistance of physicians or the use of a hearse. Moral—You might as well kill a boy as to freeze him to death, Ww. J. LamrTON, IN BOSTON. Mrs. Ibsententious —“ Has the baby pro- gressed in the art of articulation ?” Mrs. Browningbeans— Quite appreciably. Yesterday he asseverated, * Far be it from me to seem peevish or argumentative, but the evidence of both my olfactory and gustatory senses seem 1, Eorror—" Ah, good-morning, sir! lam glad to see you. I trus. you are well. Takeachair, to indicate that the lactated food contained in sil, Might | now ask your name and business 2” ; Porr—" Why, | am Percival Slobbs, the poet. sir! 1 guess you don't recognize me with my this receptacle has reached an unpalatable and whiskers shaved off, and "— unwholesome stage of fermentation.” AN ERRONEOUS ARRANGEMENT. FOR him whose duties bring delight The moments never lag ; For him whose tasks are hateful all The days must slowly drag. Somehow it seems to me that this Arrangement must be wrong. Life 's short for him who likes his work, For him who hates it— Sm kisim, TAKING NO CHANCES. S4CCOME. ‘straight home from school,” said Rob's aunt. ++ Your father is to be mar- ried to-night and I want to get you ready.” Sure, I will,” said eight-year-old Robin promptly, «I lost out on the other wedding, and it isn’t likely that I'll miss this one, too," BILLS. Friend— (na quandary te Seve i ‘ 2. Eorror— Why, you double-faced impostor! take that for the *good-morning, sir,” and that for __Father—« Ves; V'll have to either stop re- the + giad to see you.’ and that for the ‘trust you are well, sir," and that for the “take a chalr, sir!" pairing my auto or my football son. You bunco bat, | thought you was an advertiser!"