Judge, 1905-12-16 · page 36 of 48
Judge — December 16, 1905 — page 36: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains three separate comic pieces from Judge magazine (copyright 1904): **"The Three Lone Bachelors on Christmas Day"** presents a simple joke: bachelors lamenting that Christmas, the "happiest day of the year," only comes once annually—implying their loneliness makes the holiday feel too infrequent. **"At the Bottom of the Stair"** is a romantic poem about Christmas mistletoe tradition, depicting a suitor meeting a young woman (Phyllis) beneath mistletoe as she descends stairs. **"The Rural Youth and the Pup"** is the main satirical piece: A college student canvassing for stereopticon views (early projection entertainment) is tricked by a local farm boy into kicking the boy's elderly mother's small poodle. The boy had falsely warned the student the dog was vicious. When the student defends his actions by repeating the boy's lie, the spinster—who adores her harmless dog—refuses to buy anything and throws him out. The joke satirizes rural cunning and the gullibility of educated city folk.
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Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
THE THREE LONE BACHELORS ON CHRISTMAS DAY. First BACHELOR: SeCOND BACHELOR: Twiro sachetor—"* Well, what you kicking about ? And this {s Christmas, the happlest day of the 365."" * What I'm thinking {s, that {tonly comes once a year.” Isn't that enough?” AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIR. HRISTMAS music—Christmas pleasure— Come tread out the dance’s measure, Polly, Gertrude, Alice, fai Cupid guards the maids entrancing, Graceful in their merry dancing, But my gaze is on the stair! Down she trips, the stately Phyllis, How can she know what my will is? Mistletoe hangs here, beware! And I hurry on to meet her, Cupid marvels that I greet her At the bottom of the stair! He sees maids so careful, very, Lest they tread beneath the berry Glist’ning ‘neath the lamp-light’s glare; But dear Phyllis smiles demurely, With some mistletoe securely Fastened in her golden hair! EDITH LIVINGSTON SMITH. THE RURAL YOUTH AND THE PUP. ‘CENE—A small settlement in a rural district. Personnel—Small, ten-year-old, freckle-faced boy, who speaks with a drawl. College student canvassing for stereopticon views, Elderly spinster living in a small house on a hill. The spinster’s pet poodle. Boy—" Hey, mister! Student— No; it’s too far away. there.” Boy—* Well, yer better go up. My mother lives there an’ she'll buy some of them there pic'urs. But, say, yer want ter look out fer the dog. It's onlya little mite of a cur, but it'll bite like sin ; and, say, when it runs out at yer it won't bark er anything, but'll just bite a chunk right out'n yer leg. Mother ’s tryin’ ter break it of bitin’, and, say, she'd thank yer if you'd kick it right off'n the stoop soon 's it comes out. It'll learn it a lesson.” (Student ascends the hill and knocks, The door is opened and the poodle trots out. The student is ready, and with energy kicks the dog off the piazza.) Yer been up there ter that house 2” I thought I wouldn't go up COPYRIGNT 1904 BY JUDGE COMPANY PUBLISNERS, 226 FOURTH AVE, NEW YORK. Spinster—* Here! what do you mean by kicking my poor little doggie like that, you brute 2” Student—« Why, I didn’t want him to bite me.” Spinster— Bite you! Bite you! That poor little dog bite you, you great big idiot ! Jessie never bit any one in her life. Poor, little doggie ! she's the gentlest thing that ever lived.” Student—" Well, your son told me to look out for the dog and to kick it as soon as it appeared.” Spinster—« My son! I haven't any son. you needn't say any more. I don’t want to buy anything.” pears with Jessie and slams the door.) (Scene shifts half a mile up the road.) Boy (through the fence at a safe distance)—* Hey, mister—tee, hee, hee—wha'd she say? Tee, hee ; was she mad 2” Student “ You infernal little rascal, what did you tell me all that nonsense for ?” Boy —* Tee, hee, hee ; I wanted ter see wha'd she say. She thinks a terrible sight 0’ thet pup of hern.” I'm not married. No; (Disap- comicbooks.com