Judge — December 16, 1905 — page 37: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

WANTS IT ALL. 66 WHAT a hog that bil- lionaire is !" “But he has given millions to charity and educa- tion !” “Yes; heeven ‘wants to hog all the philanthropy in sight, too !" NO RACE-SUI- CIDE FOR HIM. HE cannibal king was being interviewed on top- ies of the day. « How do you feel on the race- suicide question 2" asked the reporter. “Tutterly de- plore it,” said his majesty. “1 have actually forgotten the taste ofa broiler.” Jumpmo-sack—* That book is an old fake. look anything like the fellow who made us, ‘That picture don't NERVE. E wus one of the humbler poets, whose songs gush from the heart and all that sort of thing, and who enjoved a small degree of prominence and popularity, and had a lot of friends. And he got out a pretty volume of his poetry (the critics called it verse) for the holiday trade. And each and every one of his friends said to him: * Pegsus, old man, don't forget that nobody will appreciate an autographed copy of your book as a Christmas gift more than I will.” S>, being a man who valued the friendships he had won, he sent an autographed copy of his book to each of his friends about two weeks before Christmas ; and being, furthermore, a man who had some sense of the eternal fitness of things and a theory of what should be the quid pro quoness of mundane affairs, he accompanied each book with a note, which read, “Don't forget, old man, that there isn’t anybody who appreciates your productions more than I do, and you couldn't make me gladder on Christmas than by presenting me with some of your wares. Iam happy to comply with your request to give you what I think is my best work, so if you want to remember me you will be doing the thing I most desire if you reciprocate in kind.” And what did the tailor and the meat-packer and the coal- man and the cigar-maker and all the rest of them say when they read this humble note from the humble poet who had merely re- peated their requests to them ? They said, “ Nerve !” SANTA IN SALT LAKE, O A thrifty Mormon household came the patron saint of Vule; He was puffing like an engine, he was laden like a mule. For he knew a row of st ckings such as nowhere else is seen Would be yawning there before him in the home of Elder Green, ‘So he shoved his pack ahead of him and started down the ue, While he muttered, “This is something that I hate like smoke to do.” ‘Then he followed with reluctance through the Smooty, smudgy air, Quickly landing where the hosiery was hung in many a pair. There were papa’s scks and twenty pairs of lengthy, ». wifely hose ; There were socks for Eddie, Willie, for Eliphalet and Mose; There were stockings of Matilda's, Esmeralda’s and Susanne’s, ‘There were Charley's hose and Molly’s, Cora Belle’s and little Dan's ; Amaryllis, George, Alphonso, Peter, Joseph, Maude, Eugene, Arthur, Lizzie, James, Amelia, Mary, Frances and Irene, Briggie, Reed, Lucile, Clorinda, Arethusa. Jobin, Estelle, Mattie, Lucifer, Elfrida—from his lips their titles fell. Bat about the shelf there dangled other hose whose owners’ names He could not recall to save him as he watched the dying flames. Seven pairs, all baby sizes, each in age not quite a year— “Gee!” cried Nick. ‘* Been sumething doing since the last time I was here. Glad I brought a stock of rattles and a lot of teething-rings— Utuh always gives a market for such kindergarten things. From ‘race suicide’ she ever has discreetly held aloof, And there's nut a home in Zion free from sturk-tracks on the roof.” STRICKLAND W, GILLILAN, CCLR-Mmanr +e. A HARD SHELL, Mr. Fiy—*' I hear that old Mr. Beetle has joined the church ?) Mr. Buco—" Yes, He's a hard-shelled Baptist now, | believe.” IDENTIFICATION FOR DIVINITY. IVE-YEAR OLD Hugh had shown so little use for Christian names, when addressing his adoring relatives, that mother had tried to impress upon him the necessity of saying “ Aunty Theodora” or “Aunty Edith” instead of a mere “ Aunty,"—* for how else are we going to know, dear, which aunty you are talking about?" This evi- dently made an impression, for that very night, at prayer-time, the small citizen added to his other invoked blessings, “ An’ bless Aunty Dorotea ; she’s ve one what lives on ve third floor an’ plays ve violin.” STAND TOGETHER. The lawyer—* Hands up!" The burglar (at the plate)—" Well, I see I'm caught. I guess I'l hev ter hire you ter defend me; let's get our heads together ani see if we can't prove an alibi in dis case!” HAD ALL THE SIGNS. The barber—" How do you like this razor 2” Victin—Great! You got it with cigarette coupons, didn't you?” MER AS? kaa the Para (trying to coox up a gled smile," Well, here we are again!" comicbooks.com