Judge, 1904-10-29 · page 7 of 20
Judge — October 29, 1904 — page 7: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page mocks the 1904 Democratic presidential campaign and candidate Alton Parker. **"A Bench Parker"** jokes that working-class voters plan to vote for Parker three times—a dig at both electoral fraud concerns and the notion that Parker lacks appeal even to his own party. **"Doleful Democratic Dumps"** satirizes Democratic demoralization. It references specific figures: Henry Gassaway Davis (the vice-presidential nominee, dismissed as ineffective), "Tommy Taggart" (party operative), and Judge Parker himself at Esopus. The piece laments that William Jennings Bryan isn't leading the ticket instead, suggesting Parker as nominee was a dispiriting compromise. **"Judge Parker's Letter of Acceptance"** compares his campaign statement to a vacuum—suggesting it was contentless or forgettable. **"Roosevelt's Big Stick"** explains Theodore Roosevelt's famous political philosophy through American vernacular, suggesting it means his ability to remain in power after election. **The Davis speech joke** puns on "G" (his initial, Henry Gassaway) as something you'd say to oxen, implying he's dull or bovine.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
A BENCH PARKER. “So youse is goin’ ter vote fer Parker ?"" “Sure—t'ree times. Ain't la‘ parker’ meself?” DOLEFUL DEMOCRATIC DUMPS. HESE be parious days and cheerless for the cohorts once called peer- less, sliding down the greased toboggan to the Democratic dump. There is Hinnery Gozway Davis, ole Virginny’s rara avis—that full- leaved octo-geranium fails to bloom upon the stump. And the paucity of shekels shows a future full of freckles ; at headquarters things are looking most lugubriously blue, for the coolness of responses, flabber- gasting for the nonce, is, Telepathic Tommy Taggart, formerly of Killaloe. At Esopus, where all farming had the faculty of charming, there is no attention paid to agricultural pursuits, for the jedge feels he's a victim—that Dave Hill adroitly tricked him out of pastoral con- tentment and his honest cowhide boots. These be mournful tidings truly—every day they're coming newly, but the bitter drop of misery that overflows the cup is that while defeat, to share it—philosophically bear it—they could stand the gaff much better were Bill Bryan bot- tled up. IN THE LABORATORY. THEY were being conducted about the laboratory by one of the professors. “What's that?" asked the prettiest girl, pointing to an object in one of the curio- cases, “ Exactly nothing,” said the professor. “Is it,” asked the pretti- est girl, “one of those vacu- ums that I have read about?” “It is very much’ the same thing,” said the profess- or. “It is a copy of Judge Parker's letter of acceptance.” A DEFINITION. 66 \/HAT," asked the Eng- lishman, who was trying to get abreast of yan- kee politics, “do they mean by Roosevelt's big stick 2” “Well,” said the man from way out west, “they don't mean plastic, for that he ain't. Maybe they mean the mystic that his influence certainly seems to be; or, perhaps, they mean the caustic that is in his defini- tions of the Democratic party. There is a chance that they mean the rustic who will vote for him ; but, seriously, I think they have some reference to the way that he'll stick in the white-house after election is over.” READY FOR HIM TO MAKE HIS SPEECH. ss ALL right, Henry," said the chairman of the Democratic meeting, after he had made a few remarks in introduc- tion of the venerable candidate for the vice-presidency, “you can G now. can gee!” exclaimed Mr. Davis angrily." What do you mean by that, sir? Do you take me for an ox?" “Oh, I beg your pardon !” said the chairman. “I was merely thinking of what G stands for when you use it as an initial.” IN SUBURBANVILLE. “Is this a city of homes?" “Well, rather; the women can go to the clubs when they like."* iebooks.com