Judge — September 6, 1902 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

GROWING BALD, My soft, ambrosial curls once flowing, Shall ‘soon be fled and leave me bare; I see them daily, hourly going— My head ‘s fast growing thro’ my hair. Farewell to buoyant, youthful manners, Farewell, swect giris I once enthrall'd, A candidate for front-row honors— I'm growing bald The gulf of age, dark and abysmal— I almost stand upon its brink; My glass reflects the gloomy, dismal Outlines of a skating rink For festive flies to romp and revel; Full many_a nostrum’s aid I've cal Only to pitch them to the devil— I'm growing bald "Tis sad to think, ere one is fifty, To be so cruelly Sometimes I grow exceeding thrifty And try to coax the few hairs left. But, oh, how bleak the territory Where curls profuse were on Departing is my youthful glory: I'm growing bald. stalled, My shining pate of hair demolished, T'll sing thy praise in words that burn, “ll fondle thee and keep thee polished Till thou'lt shine like a Gre And if the coming man be h (So say the savants Chin: : Then might I not as well be careless— I'm growing bald. EVGENE GEARY A SYSTEM THAT WENT WRONG. OW, my dear,” said Mrs. Gooph to her husband, “I wish you would remember that Mr. Smiff, who is to take dinner with us, is very sensi- tive about some things, especially the frailties of his ancestors, and you must be careful about giving him offens “All right,” agreed Mr. Gooph. * Far be it from me to give any pain to Mr. Smiff, or anybody else who will join in the delights of our festal board.” “ But,” observed Mrs. Gooph, “to . make sure that you do not forget yourself, Iam going to press your foot under the table whenever I think you are touching on forbidden ground, and then you are to change the sub- ject. Consequently all seemed fair a favorable when the dinner was served. The sensitive Mr. Smiff sat at the left of Mrs. Gooph, while Mr. Gooph, being a small party, and one not bound by convention, was placed at the right of his wife. The conversation rattled merril along until the roast was brought on, vhen Mr. Gooph began commenting on the practices of some of the politi- al geniuses who had controlled the state in the past. “There was old Jinks, “and he was a past master in trick- ery.” Mrs. Gooph knew that Jinks had been some kind of a grandfather to the Smifis, so she reached out with her left foot and kicked softly at the first foot she came to. Mr. Smiff gave a slight start, which was observed by Gooph, who said, “Makes you shiver, does it? Well, I want to say that this man Jinks ought to have been hung. He was a schemer without a conscience, and there was no underhanded method that he would not adapt to his pur- poses.” Mrs. Gooph came down once more with her left foot, and Mr. Smiff, who again received the kick, winced nerceptibly. “Tt is enough,” went on Gooph, ‘to make one shudder. Why, he bought and sold votes as if they were so many sticks of wood.” Mrs. Gooph was in dn agony of desperation by this time. She, too, had seen Mr. Smiff wince, and she thought that his extreme sensitiv ness was manifesting itself. Resolved to give her husband fair warning, she | again kicked—this time viciously with the left foot. Smiff half rose from his seat and | smothered an exclamation. “Indeed, he did,” continued | Gooph, delighted with the effect he seemed to be producing. ‘He not only bought and sold votes, but when he could not achieve his end by means of money he resorted to brutal methods. He had a picked crowd of henchmen, who were as low-lived a3 himself, and they acted like the veri- est thugs, under his instruction and guidanc This time there was a succession of k and Mr. Smiff twisted side- wise in his chair. “Why,” continued the host, “one time Jinks himself held a man by the throat and threatened to blow his y brains out if he did not support his ticket.”” Again Mrs. Gooph led out with er foot, and again Mr. Smiff jumped. ‘Taken altogether, this scoundrel was the worst specimen of scalawa: that has ever disgraced the state, said Mr. Gooph. Kick! Mrs. Gooph’s neatly shod foot landed squarely on Mr. Smiff's shin, and he sprang to his feet with a muffied groan. For pity’s sake, Mr. Gooph,” exclaimed Mrs. Gooph, ‘do stop! And Mr. Smiff, I beg that you will pa no attention to what he has been say ing. He knows that it rumor, any and besides” “IT beg pardon,” said Mr. Smiff. “Thave not heard anything Mr. Gooph has said, for some one, evidently in a spirit of misguided fun, has been vio- lently kicking my foot and limb all tke time, and I feel now as if I must ex- cuse myself and seek a surgeon.” And Mrs. Gooph has not yet quite forgiven her brutal husband for leaning back in his chair and yelling with laughter while she and the other guests sought to pour balm upon the injured Mr. Smiff from the family arnica bottle. Ww. D, wesBET. D'Auber (with much modesty)—" Of course I may never be a great artist, but""—— Critteck—"You should certainly be able to make a good living.” D'Auber—"Think so?” Critteck—" Yes; you should be able to ta job doing something else.” —Phila- phia Press. “That Chicago woman amuses me,” observed the first guest at the seaside resort. “‘Amuses you?" echoed the second s. 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