Judge — July 13, 1901 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

AN EDUCATIONAL SUGGESTION. By KK, Munkittrich. THE business of teaching by correspond- ence has obtained such a hold on the public, and has become so lucrative a pur- suit, that I often wonder why some compe- tent person does not launch a correspond- ence college of burglary. There are colleges of pharmacy, journalism and illustrating, that do all their teaching by correspondence, and if these professions can be taught on paper, why should not a perfect knowledge of the paying mysteries of burglary be given in like manner? Burglars, of course, like poets, are born, not made; and it is not likely that a college could make a great burglar of a man who has neither an ambi- tion nor a bent in that direction. could give a series of lessons on the prac- tical and mechanical side of the business that would be of inestimable value to the student, if he really has a foundation, how- ever crude, to build upon. There are many burglars who are now too old and feeble to follow their calling, and who have not suf- ficient political influence to obtain positions | of trust under the local government. These men might form themselves into a faculty that would carry their college to success and make for themselves comfortable liv- iggs. if not colossal fortunes. Burglary being a perilous business, the college could teach not only the easiest methods of effecting entrances through barred windows, but also the quickest and easiest methods of escape in cases of alarm, It could also teach the subtle method of hypnotizing the mastiff and causing him to lead them to the valuables, and, in the event of being cornered, to turn and gather his master by the throat in order to choke off his cries for assistance. Many a burglar comes to grief for the simple reason that he doesn’t know his busi- ness. While doing his best to be faithful to rt and true to himself, he merely gropes in the dark, so to speak, without even a dark lantern of intelligence to guide his footsteps. A superficial course of legal instruction could be introduced to show the prospective burglars how to give the law a close shave with the razor of sagacity and still land the prize. A kindergarten department might ground them in the rudiments of the craft and carry them to the point at which they are proficient to pick a lock with an invisible hairpin or button-hook. Then there could be a course in the highwayman's art and post-graduate courses in panhandling, flim- flamming, slack-wire walking, and wrestling. The slack-wire practice would enable the burglar to run like a deer or a moon-kissed tomcat along the top of a paling, and the | wrestling would enable him to throw the head of the house and stun him, thus en- abling him (the burglar) to escape without taking life. The Correspondence College of Burg- lary could in time issue a catalogue setting forth the fact that any man can get any- thing, no matter how far out of his reach it ae | Yet it long arm of the law. It could tell how a safe can be cracked like an egg, and how dynamite may be made to explode noise- lessly. It might boast that none of its alumni ever landed in prison, and that it has many in every state in the Union en- joying a large and lucrative practice. It could likewise print a book of testimonials from graduates setting forth in glowing terms a history of their various nocturnal exploits and the extent of the crops gar- nered during these excursions. These books would naturally fall into the hands of uned- ucated burglars serving terms in prison, and each of these unfortunates would, in ali probability, after his “coming-out” party in the fall, lose no time in sending his re- mittance to the college for a full course of instruction, This would doubtless have a good effect, inasmuch as, if all the burglars should succeed in their calling without de- tection, prisons would become superfluous institutions, and this would in time do away with criminal courts and judges. This al- most incalculable saving of money for the state would be a great benefit to the tax- payers, and, in short, even the people bur- gled could stand their losses without a mur- mur. The courses of instruction, like those of illustrating and journalism, could be pur- sued without interfering with one’s regular employment while carrying on the said courses of study. Thus a man might have the book open before him like a piece of music and be studying as hard as possible while in the very act of opening clams in the market. And he might open the said clams with a jimmy for practice and inspi ration. The prospective reward of merit would doubtless serve as a stimulus to supreme effort on the part of the toiler and artisan, who would change their environ- ment and rise to higher things. ‘There are many men to-day who have made their fortunes by pursuing methods that might not stand the searchlight of virtuous criti- cism for any considerable number of min- utes consecutively, and these men might endow a Correspondence College of Burg- lary, with various scholarships, and in re- turn receive the coveted hood or mask that should accompany the degree of Master of Burglary, Bachelor of the Dark Lantern, Doctor of the Jimmy, etc., etc, ‘Therefore let some of the retired burg- lars that were shining lights in the past come forth from their seclusion as educators and take possession of this great untilled and flowery field. Let there be a Corre- spondence College of Burglary by all means, fair or foul, forthwith, that the great unem- ployed may have an opportunity not only to become self-sustaining, but to enjoy the ordi- | nary luxuries of life instead of wearing out | their lives and trousers-seats while becalmed |on park benches envying poets, plumbers, and other plutocrats. I should feel highly honored if asked to join the business depart- |ment of such a college in. the capacity of may be, and still keep out of reach of the treasurer, with a fifteen-minute flying start. Lakes in the Clouds—Canadian Pacific Railway. Laggan is the station for the Lakes in the Clouds, Ponies and vehicles arc. i summer, here in waiting for Tourists intending to visit these picturesque lakes, which, perched on the mountains’ sides amidst the most romantic environment, are rare whose loveliness and charm surpass all description. 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