Judge, 1900-04-28 · page 6 of 16
Judge — April 28, 1900 — page 6: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains multiple satirical pieces typical of early 20th-century Judge magazine humor: **"Better Death"** mocks romantic desperation: Miss Dimple, a vain young woman, boasts she'd rather die than be unmarried—even willing to marry the meek Mr. Slim if he promised to die within a week. His eager agreement ("God knows I'd want to") punctures her vanity by suggesting her company is unbearable. **"The Better System"** is a brief ethnic joke playing on Yiddish-accented English, mocking immigrant speech patterns. **"A Modern Pagan"** satirizes Easter celebrations by tracing them to pre-Christian Saxon goddess worship, implying modern Easter observance is pagan superstition dressed in Christian clothing—a common anti-religious critique of the era. **"An Invention of Satan"** uses domestic humor: a fishing story where the husband's lost catches become proof the fish are the devil's creation. **"Cheerful News for Bill"** depicts Wild West frontier justice, with gallows humor about lynching. The page reflects Judge's satirical approach to religion, ethnicity, gender relations, and frontier mythology.
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Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
BETTER DEATH. WOULDN'T be an old maid!" exclaimed Miss Dimple, who was pretty enough to make such a catastrophe beyond a peradventure; “not for any- thing on earth.” im, a spare, elderly a threadbare, well- brushed coat and an air of in- offensive gentility, looked up and said he thought it would be a shame if she were. Oh, I won't,” replied Miss imple confidently. “ Why, Mr. Slim,” she continued, with a toss. of her head, “I'd even marry you if there was no one else and you'd promise to die in a week. Mr. Slim looked bewilder- ed, but had presence of mind to reply with great ear- nestness, “ God knows I'd want to, Miss Dimple!" TER SYSTEM. Miss_Hockiasaer—" Do you pelieve in love at sighd?” Mx. Rosexuaum—" Vell, sixty days vas more like peeshnish.” A MODERN PAGAN. LONG. ago. and far away in days of old, ‘The ancient Saxon people, I am told, Yearly, at a certain season, Made a feast beyond all reason, And their ecstasies were wild and uncontrolled. These silly Saxon people made this feast To the goddess of the merning, spring or east— Goddess Eastre or Ostera (She was only a chimera— And by that I mean a fancy, not a beast). This goddess was a wonder in her day. She had hair of flaming sunlight, so they say; And her face was like the morning. And the mode of her adorni Was miraculously glittering and Everybody came and worshiped at her shrine; They brought her wondrous treasures rate and fine; ‘And they handed down the story Of the Easter morning glory Of this ancient goddess, radiant and divine. AN INVENTION OF SATAN. LITTLE ANNABELLE (talking on the lake.shore)—" Ma, what's il-fish ?” MotHer—"* Well, that six-pound trout your pa always loses when he goes fishing is an invention of the devi CHEERFUL NEWS FOR BILL. Suenivy (of Frosen Deg)—"* The reward says ‘Dead or alive," Bill; but I much prefer ter take Iam in a modern time and modern town ; yer back alive.” But because of this tradition handed down Bronco Birt.—"All right, sheriff; I'm yours.” Lam like that pagan nation Sutexiyy—" Thanks, Bill.” The boys is all ready an’ waitin’ fer ter lynch yer, an’ I should cer- In my awestruck adoration tainly feel cheap an’ mean if I took yer back dead.” Of my goddess in her Easter-hat and gown. cw. comicbooks.com