Judge — December 23, 1899 — page 32: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

MR. MCGARVEY SAYS A WORD. WHIN Dooley’s woife nailed the motty on the wall she had no thoughts av the trouble thot wor goin’ to come from it. ‘Twor a purty motty wid the words pace an’ good-will onty it, an’ a dove floyin’ down to roost on a tray shtuck artistic-loike in the middle. Thot wor yisterday. To-day the motty loies fragmintically in the ash-barrel wid paces av plaster an’ dishes an’ lace-curtain an’ taith an’ shtrips av frickled shkin an’ bunches av rid hair, an’ other things too numerous to mintion or shpake av. But ‘twor not the fault av Dooley’s woife. Shure, she had a heart fall to burstin’ av Christmas cheer whin she nailed the motty up, an’ she shtood wid her hands behoind her admoirin’ it for tin minutes whin she'd done it, an’ thin, shtill thinkin’ av it, she puts salt inshtid av sugar in the gingerbrid an’ pales the peraties thought- lissly wid Dooley's razor. Which shows, me b’y, thot ‘tis not good to lit the thoughts av yez git so far inty Christmas thot yez can't ixtract thim aisily for use in other dirictions. Whin Dooley ates the gingerbrid he shpits it out, an’ whin he shaves wid the razor he rips out a shtrong word or three; an’ Mis- shtrates, an’ thin be foires a plate, an’ Misses! Dooley jumps at him, an’ he troies to foire her, an'—more words would be useless in- toirely. Oi'm not loikin’ to dwill on sad do- mistic scanes loike this. Oi'm only showin’ how bad pace an’ good-will do be whin the cookin 's not good an’ a felly's razor has been troified wid outrageous. Shure, Christmas is a lamb to be lia gint- ly; ‘tis not a goat wid horns. “Tis not roightly jing apart; a thing togither wid the heart-bates av humanity in its strugglin's. “Tis a bit av nictar in the ivery-day drink an’ a sprinklin’ av shpoice in the ordinary food, SANTA CLaus—"* Say ! I can't get higher than the twensy-sisth Sor. it you want anything you'll down.’ an’ thot’s all. Don't take liberties wid de rila- have to come tives an’ frinds av yez, trustin’ to the shpirit av pace an’ good-will to ixcuse yez, Remimber thot, an a merry Christmas to yez! Blissed be the day! . A YOUNG REALIST. Mrs. Crabshaw—" Why do you want a new set of soldiers this Christmas ?” 80bbie—" The war with Spain is over, and I'd like some Filipinos to shoot at” Tue cHicken SANTA CLAUS—"'Say! the way you are hatching chicks you must think I've got a regular Astorbilt bank-account.” ADAPTED TO THE LOCALITY. PREPARING me for the feast," said the antique gander, “1 would have you remember that I was hatched and raised in Brooklyn.” “T don’t quite catch your meaning,” said the Brooklyn man with a puzzled air. “1 mean,” said the gander with an expression of traditional pride, “that when I am stuffed you will kindly omit needle and thread and fasten me together with safety-pins.” son SOME KINDLY ADVICE. © NOT use a family-tree to hang your Presents on. Never look a gift-pistol in the mouth. As to Christmas-giving. Never give up; give in. Live in the mighty pres- ent, even if it cost but ten cents. Remember that the mer- ciful man is merciful to his feast, Bear in mind that just at this season the mark of Cain is a price-mark. Do not lose sight of the fact that a kiss is as good as asmile, and in some instances much better. LOX, NO AK Sachem AWibeina ithe & Pig Co Rew York UNDER THE MISTLETOE AND OVER THE MISTLETOE. “* My lan’! why didn’ yo" shake de dew off'n dat mistletoe ‘foh yo’ bung it up?” COmmONT 89D BY JUOCE COMPANY OF = . comicbooks.com