Judge, 1898-08-06 · page 6 of 16
Judge — August 6, 1898 — page 6: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains multiple unrelated satirical pieces typical of Judge magazine's humor: **"Announcing His Engagement"**: A rural courtship story where young farmer Abner Grayneck threatens to capsize a boat and drown his reluctant sweetheart Daisy Flitters unless she agrees to marry him. The joke plays on rural dialect and the absurdity of his "successful" coercion—she apparently agreed, proving his bumbling courtship worked. **"The Time It Failed"**: A brief exchange where Irish mother Mrs. Callahan scolds son Patsy for swimming after being warned, invoking "Remember the Maine"—referencing the 1898 battleship explosion that triggered the Spanish-American War. The humor lies in Patsy treating her warnings as reflexive rhetoric rather than genuine concern. **"The Tale She Read to Me"**: A sentimental poem about a young man distracted by a woman reading to him, too enamored to remember what story she read. **"The Only Place to Learn the Fact"**: A quip suggesting Spanish newspapers are the only source for learning American military defeats—likely referencing American difficulties in the Spanish-American War or Philippines campaign. The page satirizes rural courtship, immigrant speech patterns, and American military performance.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
ANNOUNCING HIS ENGAGEMENT. H-YAH!" drawled young Abner Grayneck- in a self-satisfied way. “I believe it’s been generally considered in this neigh- borhood that I was a regular goslin’ at love-makin’, an’ that Miss Daisy Flitters was havin’ all kinds of fun with me pre- paratory to bumpin’ my silly head for me good an’ plenty; but I don’t know so much about it, myself.” “Wa-al—er—h'm !" was the non-committal reply of his friend, Jay Green. 5 “ Aw, yes,” proceeded Abner. “She has been oratin’ it around that she wouldn’t marry me if I was the last man on. earth, an’ I've been sayin’ nothin’, to a considerable extent. However, at the sabbath-school picnic, day before yesterday, I took that same young lady boat-ridin’ on the mill-pond. Waz-al, when we got out where the water was good an’ deep Lup an’ told her that there was no use in my goin’ into de- tails as to the extent of my undyin’ affection for her, an’ so on an’ so forth, as she already knew how I felt about it; so all I had.to say on the subject was that if she didn’t promise then an’ there to quit her foolishness an’ marry me I'd upset THE TIME IT FAILED, Mrs. CALLAHAN—" Don't yez remimber Oi told yez th’ marnin’ not to go in shwimmin’ to-day?” Patsy CALLAHAN—"'Oh, come off, mudder. Youse want me ter say yes, an’ den you're goin’ ter say, ‘ Fergit it an’ remember de Maine.’”” THE TALE SHE READ TO ME, TIE tale she read aloud to me This afternoon was thrilling. Its plot was quite the brightest scheme ‘That Hope can mingle with his theme, And I can swear I didn’t dream, E’en though she thought me willing. Her voice unfolded every line With wealth of clear expression ; And ever and again her eyes In sympathy or glee would rise To mine. Ab, did she but surmise The depth of their impression ! And with each word in silvery tone (My rOle I was forgetting) Came dimples in sweet harmony ; While ‘tween her rose-bud lips I'd see Her milk-white teeth flash brilliantly, Like pearls in ruby setting. She held my interest to the end ; No tale ‘s too long to task her ; And full as quick would time have sped Had been a drier book instead. You say, ‘* What was the tale she read ?” Er—wait ; I'll have to ask her. WAL sweirT, GIRL loves to have a man tell her he loves her, so she can tell him he doesn't. Did I ever tell you how George came to lose his heart to me?" “No; I understood it was because he lost his bead.” the boat an’ leave her to drown an’ ruin her pretty new spring gown at the same time.” “Great guns, Abner!” ejaculated Jay, “ what did she do?” “Wacal,” returned the swain complacently, “you haven't heard of any young lady bein’ drowned in the mill-pond day before yesterday, have you?” . ToM Fr, MORGAN. THE ONLY PLACE TO LEARN THE FACT. +4] AM inclined,” remarked the erudite grandee, “ to believe that those Americans don’t know when they are whipped.” “No,” replied a still more learned grandee; “the ignorant creatures are evidently unable to read our Spanish newspapers.” DELICATELY PUT. Mrs. HAYFIELD (fassing the water)—"'Scuse me, ma'am, but your live stock 's strayin’.”” comicbooks.com