Judge — May 23, 1896 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

OPENING THE SEASON. ff R. FITZ GREGG came home last night | In the wee small hours in a dreadful plight. I, with a wife's solicitude, Had vainly fought a distracted mood, And quelled a thousand demons of siege, ‘And moaned and lamented my sov- ereign liege. X® When, funny and happy, and wilted all over, ‘They brought in a carriage my beautiful rover ; ig into my presence, he came 've-been-watching-a-bale-boss-game.” BE POLITE. Fagin— Never forget to be polite, even to a waiter, Oliver. Oléver— Yess't.” Fagin—"\f you can't do better you can at least pick his pocket and thus pro- vide yourself with a suitable tip.” DREADED THE OPERATION. Customer—" What is that you are putting on my face? Barber— Bay-rum, sit.” Customer—" 1s that all? Twas hop- CIRCUMSTANCES ALTER CASES. ing that it might be cocaine.” Mrs. Newiywep—"" Oh, Bishop Goodman ! do you believe in infant damnation ?" Bistor Goopman—"* No, ma’am ; not when they're asleep.”* him a belt for his impidince, ol lady,” says. a very gintlemanly young man in th’ middle av th’ car. “Of'il not!” says Oi as Oi was lavin’; “a lady Oi got on this car, an’ a lady Oi'll git aff it.” But it musht have been thot limmon - pale! O'Throut himsilf, whin watchman for a warehouse in th’ sblip, has been met afther midnoight, an’ afther dhrinkin’ limmon-pale wid a hot Oirish at Casey's, walkin’ through Sicond avenye sound ashlape, an’ not recognoizin’ his own cousin on th’ mother’s soide. An* th’ very silf-same noight thot we was married at noon, didn’t he go shlapin’ t’ his room in Toby's buildi ¥ me in’ till two o'clock at noight, wid a few fri'nds an’ cousins t' kape me company, in th’ rooms we'd got ready for room-kapin’ in a tinimint in Tinth shtrate? Towards marnin’ mesilf an’ me brother (himsilf bein’ very cross wid dhrink) shtarted out t’ hunt me groom. Didn't Oi foind him ashlape in his room? Me not lettin’ me brother go up th’ shtairs for fear they'd be runnin’ wid blood! An’ what did Mishter O'Throut say t' me whin Oi waked him openin’ his dure but, sittin’ bolt uproight in bed, says he, * Blood SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST. an’ houn’s, Miss McFagin! what are yez doin’ here at Cotoxet Kextuck—" Humpy! my Kaffir outfit hez all turned up their toes, and now your this hour av th’ marnin’? MADELINE uv, turn hez come. I never b'lieved much in water nohow !" THE WIDOW O’TROUT. SHURE it musht have been th’ limmon-pale Oi eat in th’ poonch at Mary Ann Toohey’s weddin’ thot made me so shlapy Oi forgot me shtrate in th’ horse-car an’ wint roidin’ boy ¢' th’ middle of noine- ty-fourt’ an’ noinety-fift’ shtrates, “* Shtop thot car!" says Oi, rousin’ mesilf from a fit of abshtraction. Not on your tin-toipe !" says th’ conducthor, says he, “in th’ middle av th’ block! Ye wull!” says Oi, OF'll not “Why didn’t ye call?” says Oi. “Why didn’t ye lave an orther for a call an’ a il at th’ office ?” says he. Ye moight at laste have remoinded me av me ys Oi. “How th divil was Oi t' know yer shtrate ?” he. Oi towld ye “Ye did not!” says Kape yer hand aff thot bell" says he. ‘Oi ring up me own fares. Now, thin! Here ye are, an’ gud riddance!”