Judge, 1896-04-04 · page 6 of 16
Judge — April 4, 1896 — page 6: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page from *Judge* magazine contains several unrelated humorous sketches mocking American life: **"Lonelywood Affairs"** satirizes small-town bureaucratic absurdity. Village officials debate buying expensive fire equipment while dismissing a resident's legitimate complaint that his house burned down. Their excuse—the church bell rang on Sunday, so people thought it was a service announcement—exposes rural government incompetence and misplaced priorities (whitewashing a town sign over fire safety). **"At the Recital"** mocks rural unsophistication: rustic visitors to a classical music performance compare it unfavorably to circus acts, preferring lowbrow entertainment to high culture. **"Their Function"** is a simple joke: a teacher asks why birds have wings; a child answers "to put their heads under at night"—childish literalism. **"An Earnest Student"** shows a student confusing historical dates and universities—educational incompetence played for laughs. **"Too Many Stoppages"** depicts Irish boxers (stereotyped dialect included) complaining the match keeps stopping. The page overall reflects *Judge*'s satirical focus on American social hierarchies, rural versus urban sophistication, and ethnic stereotyping common to the era.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
A DISTURBER, \ear you have asked your minister to resign ?” lad to. He pounded the pulpit so that we Jonrs—* Hkows— couldn't sleep.” AT THE RECITAL, T as was being rendered there a rapturous encore J \ rustic pair strayed in the hall and, seated side by side, Gazed at the long-haired artist with their optics open wide, Of Mendelssohn's sweet wordless song, his famous opus four, ere the varied classic themes had all been duly played, Anil Paderbangsky’s final bow before the foot-lights made, Said wearied A-tumblin’ in the sawdust-rings at circus-shows in town.” ANNIE Bt, TOOMRY. THEIR FUNCTION, ucher —" Nhat were wings given to birds for?” Tommy: we've seen a better clown uae LONELYWOOD AFFAIRS. 66] SUPPOSE there is no use putting it off any longer.” said Mr. Isolate with a sigh, at the monthly meeting of the Lonelywood village officials, in the school-house, the other evening. “ Lonelywood will have to buy a locomo- tive driving-wheel tire and a sledge-hammer for the Lone- rH ACTOR'S IDEAL ROLL. lywood volunteer hose company to use as a fire-alarm. Mr. Hermitage insists upon it quite obstinately every time he meets me. He claims that when his house was afire, two weeks ago, he and the organist rang the bell in the church every known way, and yet not a person responded except the minister, and finally his home was burned to the ground.” “T know that,” responded the chairman, Mr. Auctionlot, testily. “ He is making an unseemly rumpus about it. But there is a very good and sufficient reason why nobody responded to his clangor upon that occasion, If the gentlemen here assembled will recall the day upon which the fire occurred they will remember that it was a Sunday. Now every one who heard the bell thought that Hermitage was merely announcing church services; so of course nobody stirred from home. Besides, I think we need the money that a hammer and wheel-tire would cost to whitewash the cobble-stone name of our Edenic little suburb at the railroad-station. Any other unfinished business?” MA XY inteltigent and right-minded people subscribe to no religious doctrine because they prefer to do their own guessing. AN EARNEST STUDENT. Teacher —" Now, George Washington Hackensack, you may describe the battle of Princeton.” For them to put their heads under at night.” G. W. Hackensack—"* Twenty t' ten—faver uv Yale.” vi)yiytt ill] HT A iat FANT AA Pats SkCOND (foving to carry the joke further)—" Get up an’ try to stop so Pat Geko has been buncocd into putting on the gloves with a professional) — ivery teu av thie,” TOO MANY STOPPAGES, of those blows. htop some av thim! (Angrily.) Be hivins! Oi'll tek me owth Oi shtopped comicbooks.com