Judge — March 28, 1896 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

TOO MUCH GAS. MODERN VERSION, [FA body mect a body Rungling on a wheel ; Ifa body bump a body Need a body squeal? OUT WEST. Irate citizen (rushing into the post - office)— * Here, you, Mr. Postmas- ter! you've robbed me of fifty dollars, If you don’t give up I'll write to Wash- ington about you.” Postmaster (pacifical- ly)—" Guess there must be a mistake somewhere, my dear sir. Irate citizen—" There hain’t no mistake about it. I paid you the money for a money-order two weeks ago and the man hain't received it yet. ‘There's your receipt for it too.” Postmaster (looking at the paper) —* Why, man! that’s your money-order.” MEN and women are harmless in second child- hood; but a bachelor in second boyhood, or a widow in second girlhood—great Scott! BUSINESS TERM. Taking stock. — Great Cresar !— AT THE JAYTOWN BICYCLE- MEET. Grand finish of the one-mile handicap race. THE ETERNAL FEMININE, FEMININE aspirations, beautiful as elements of charm and potent to disprove the Hindoo belief of masculine monopoly of soul, frequently make poor rules of conduct. Friendship between women is a matter of mutual impo- sition, Philosophy with woman is only nature's refuge from unhap- piness or defeat. While first love is accident and second love is design, third love, with a woman, is despair. Altitude is not happiness, as many women who take intel- lectual balloon-ascensions find out. When woman emancipates her mind she changes that organ from a useful servant to an erratic and implacable task-master. The more a woman knows the less sense she has, as she never reasons well, and a little reasoning destroys the faculty of intuition. JONN VAN DER COOK, JR. NOT DOWN TO THAT. Mississippi statesman (in house-of-representatives gallery, Washington)—" Why does that membah who is speakin’ use the tehm ‘I beg to diffu ' so blame off'n?” Mr. Hookesby (of Washington) —"That is to signify that some other member's views are not in accordance with his own. Do you not use the same phrase in your legislative body?” Mississippi statesman (emphat- ically) —" Not much, sub! We dif fuh, ‘f cohse, an’ diffuh blame hard; but th’ time hasn't yet come, suh, thet a so’thern gentleman hez to beg anything frum any one.” “s CONSISTENT, . Manager (of bicycle agency, to clerk)—" What did the lady wish who just called ?” Clerk—" She wants her bicycle enameled in black. Her husband has just died” — what's— THE NEXT LITERARY FAD. S*HAVE you finished your novel yet?” said the publisher to the great author. “Not yet," was the reply. “I've been busy with an article on how I came to think of the plot.” TOUCHING, E WAS a gay bicycler. When death blew out life’s torch His club ‘graved on his tombstone, ** He's gone on his last scorch.” SURE SIGN. He—"How do you know Mis Vansock’s teeth are not her own She—" Why, haven’: you noticed the filled one which is meant to make persons believe they are natural?” —the trouble comicbooks.com