Judge — March 14, 1896 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A HORSELESS WAGON. THE long-lerged yap from the Jersey highlands bounced around a corner into Broadway, up from the market regions, and land- ed in front of a serene and majestic policeman. “Ab, there !"’ exclaimed the cop, stariled by the innovation. “ Wow!" snorted the Jersey- man. “ What's the matter?” “I've been imposed on by a chap down the street there.” “ Buncoed ?” “ Worse.” “ What?” “Feller come up where I was sellin’ truck an* wanted to know ef I wanted to see one 0’ them horse- less wagons, ‘cause ef I did I'd bet- ter run round on the -next street mighty quick. Said it was goin’ by an‘ I'd have to hurry. I liked to runa lung out gittin’ there, an’ what do you think I seen?” “A horseless wagon, I sup- pose,” responded the officer with that sublime faith in the straight- forwardness of the city man in his relations to his rural brother which always characterizes city men. “Yes, but not the kind I was thinkin’ about,” said the Jerseyman in deep disgust. “It wa'n’t nothin’ but a wagon with a pair o’ mules hitched to it, an’ dern pore mules at that.” After weeping a few silent tears the policeman sought to com- fort the visitor from across the river. W. J. LAMPTON, UNFORTUNATE. N A part of Scotland where rela- tives often intermarry a farmer died. The parson came to condole with the widow. She exclaimed, “Aye, ma John was a good-eneuch mon. He was the faither o° the bairns, but no’ a drap’s bluid to me.” A GRIEVANCE. ‘OU'VE no use for my kisses, I fear, If many there be or but few ; For you give them all back to me, dear, As fast as I give them to you. A SNOW-WOMAN. Jones (arriving home at t100 a. am )—'*'Sh, cabby! Do you (hic) shee anyshing in my front yard?” * Sure."" Cappy. ive me backsh t’ nearish hotel, cabby. A GODSEND. Hoscry Hoxe—'* Lady, cud yer let a poor feller hev a slice uv yer angel- cake, same ez yer give ter Weary Wraggles yes'dy ?" MRS. NeWLYWED (steeetly}—"* Why, yes. Here is the remainder of the loaf.” RY Hoke—"*Oh, tank yer, mum; t'ank yer! an’ may God bless kin git inter de horspittle, same ez Weary did.” When my wife ‘ll shtan’ out in front yard waitin’ f° me in her night-dresh such weather'sh thish I'd shooner (hic) shleep elshwhere.”” JUDGMENTS FROM MR. MC GARVEY, I CAN'T rade th’ iditoryals in th’ Sun. They goes t’ me hid. It’s th’ divil av a funny br-rogue th’ native Amiricans do shpake. It’s th’ shcamp that do be al- ways tellin’ th’ honest felly he is. It’s Mister Dany av th’ Sun thot says it’s plisint t’ doie; but, be jabers! he niver troied it. It’s mesilf thot wud kape some dogs if th’ cratures wud only lay iggs or somethin’ loike thot. It’s th’ funny things thot do be said in th’ dith columns av th’ papers, Oi wonder whoy succissful fellies doie s’ often befoor they've succaded ? Th’ way t’ explode is t’ explode aisy loike. Grogan called a felly a loier whin th’ felly towld 'm av an- other felly that had three fate cut frerom one leg. It cost Grogan sivinty cints fur dr-rinks Juliet expects Romeo, so she pretends to be asleep, in the expectation of Romeo awaking her with a kiss. SHE ACTED TOO LONG. other man is lost. But Romeo is somewhat delayed. Juliet falls into a real sleep—and an-