Judge, 1896-02-22 · page 6 of 16
Judge — February 22, 1896 — page 6: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page from Judge contains several unrelated humorous pieces typical of late 19th-century American satirical magazines: **"A Still Alarm"** and **"Trouble at the Musée"** are brief comic vignettes featuring stock characters—Uncle Critter (a rural type complaining about cold hotel rooms) and Alkali Ike (a Western prospector startled by a mechanical gorilla exhibit). **"By a Small Biographer"** is a longer poem about George Washington's birthday, written from a child's innocent perspective. It humorously recounts Washington's life—his two birthdays, the cherry tree legend, his military service, presidency, and death—ending with a child's wish that his first birthday also became a school holiday. The remaining pieces—**"The Realistic,"** **"Hardly Possible,"** and **"The Thief's Stratagem"** (with accompanying illustrations)—are brief joke scenarios involving parents, doctors, and comical misunderstandings. The satire targets nothing specific politically; instead, these are general-interest humor pieces aimed at family entertainment, typical of Judge's content during this era.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
A STILE AUARM: And every one liked him, so every one cried. UNcie Critter (after reading the noticey—"* Thar! naow I hope them hotel chaps will hurry up vest every. ie a ery cpeerie’: an’ give mea fire in my room. Dummed ef it hain’t colder'n Greenland in here.” his room.) (Calmly returns to TROUBLE AT THE MUSEE, ALKALI Ike (startled by the gorilla's automatic eye and mechanical hiss—crack ! crack t crack! crack !)—"" Take thet, ye ugly varmint! Rope me ef I didn’t think at first thet freak grizzly was stuffed.” BY A SMALL BIOGRAPHER. [7S Washington's birthday, and ‘cause itis s0 T'll tell you about him some things that I know But some I forget, for. though bigger than you, Yet folks big as 1 am are some little too. Because his first birthday was all out of style They gave him another one after a while, And when he was little he must have had fun A having two birthdays instead of just one. And once he had fun that was dreadfully bad, And chopped down a tree with a hatchet he had, And owned it all up and his father was kind, And all that he said was, he said ** Never mind !" And then he got bigger and grew up, and then He went to a battle and killed all the men ; And then he got married, and married his wife And lived in Mount Vernon the rest of his life, Excepting whenever he had to go down To live in the white-house in Washington town— For he was the president sometimes, you know, But when he got over it, back he would go. And when he got old enough, then he got old, And rode out on horseback and caught a bad cold, And that is the reason he took sick and died— Because he was dead and because he was nice ‘The people that buried him, buried him twice ; So both of his birthdays he had, to begin, And he had two places to bury him in, And down where he lived you can sit in his chairs And see where he died in the bedroom up-stairs And sce his old books standing up on the shelf I know that you can, for I've seen it myself. But most that I wish is, I wish. and don't you? ‘They'd had his first birthday a holiday too, And that's a good wish, for it’s always the rule On Washington's birthday to never have school. SxS, GHORGH AMCHIE/1~ THE REALISTIC. Gretta—" Papa, if you'll be vewy dood I'll show you 2 lovely picture of a cwocodile.”* Papa—“T'll promise; now let's see the picture.” Gretta —" Here, papa; all down on ‘is side de paper.” Papa (examining a blank sheet)—" Where is it? I don’t see any crocodi Gretta— 0" torse not, papa, ‘tause he’s run’d away.” HARDLY POSSIBLE. Jagway—" You want me to take that whisky and qui- nine together?” Doctor—"" Why not?” Jagway— Well, there's a saloon on the corner, but I've got to walk four blocks to a drug-store.” THE THIEF’S STRATAGEM,