Judge — February 1, 1896 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

7A ONE EXCEPTION. Se] DID want to keep some- thing to remember him by, so I returned all of his pres- ents but one. Was that right?” “Certainly, my dear, What did you keep?” “The ring. DOUBTFUL. Wellie—Pa, did Caesar practice polygamy?” Father—"No, my boy. What made you think so?” Willie —" Because to- day my teacher said that Calphurnia was Casar’s wife, and also that when he got to the Rhine he proposed to Bridget.” WELL PLEASED. Parke (earnestly)—" I tell you we've got a perfect gem of a servant—the best one we ever SELF-CONTROL. had.” —"* Yo" seem indisposed toe-night, Mistah Jackson." Lane—" How long have MR. Jackso: ais, Miss Snoflaike ; I's jes’ had tea. I's allus indisposed aftah tea. Tet six sassages, an'five sweet you had her?” S, an’ sum , . b flap-jacks, an’ six cups ob tea. It's de ) Pertaters, an’ sum ham an’ aigs, an’ two plates ob poark an’ beans, an'foah plates ob fap} I Parke—"She came this morning.” ‘An’ eben «len yo" wasn't sahtisfied, I bait yor. -al, I cood hab et mo’ ef I'd wanted toe maik a hawg ob mahse'f.” NO PAUSE, SOME French writer says that a girl is a person we stop kissing when she is twelve and begin to kiss again after she is twenty. That may be all right for the definition of a French girl, but the American girl is different, We don’t stop kissing her at «ll—not even to hold our breath. THE FUNEREAL PROPRIETIES, Lawyer (after reading Mrs, Jones's last will and testament to her heirs)—" Well, my friends, to sum it all up, there’s five hundred dollars to be divided between her husband, Hiram Jones, and her sister Malviny, after the funeral expenses are deducted.” ’ Widower—* Wa-al, | cal'late Sary orter hev a good, solid oak coffin.” Malviny— Hiram Jones, yew allus wuz extravagant! A pine one’s | jest as good. They stain ‘em up an’ make ‘em jest like rosewood.” 4 Hiram—* My wife sha'n't hev no pine coffin. I tell yew thet flat!” Malviny—" Naow, Hi, dew be reasonable. ‘Lizy Higgins wuz laid away real comfortable in a pine coffin, an’ yew never could hev told it from rosewood. It didn’t cost half what an oak one would.” Hiram—"All right, all right, Malviny! Ef yew want yer own sister tew go cracklin’ through etarnity in a pine coffin I don’t, an’ I wun't hev | it so!” Malviny yields. A FORCED SALE. Bap Ben—"* Lookin’ fer a gun, pard? Jest gaze at ther riflin’in this self- cockin’, hair-triggered weepon I'm a-sellin’ fer only fifty dollers.”* (Tee weeks later in the Hoboken Herald.) “Among the valuable western relics secured by Mr. Cholly while near Cripple Creek is a dangerous-looking six-shooter which he managed to secure at a forced sale.” WEARINESS CUKED. Weaxy Tiesptan—"*T tell you I'm tired.” Big! ie Rest, THsTL A ome of rear car)—" But comicbooks.com