Judge, 1896-02-01 · page 5 of 18
Judge — February 1, 1896 — page 5: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains multiple humor sketches typical of late 19th/early 20th-century American satire: **"One Exception"** and **"Doubtful"** are brief domestic comedy pieces playing on misunderstandings—a woman keeping an engagement ring after a breakup, and a boy confusing Caesar's wife Calphurnia with a mistress named Bridget. **"Self-Control"** features racial caricature (dialect speech, "Mistah Jackson"), depicting an African American servant's gluttony as justification for his "indisposed" state. **"No Pause"** contrasts French and American courtship customs, suggesting Americans kiss continuously without restraint. **"The Funereal Proprieties"** satirizes rural/working-class penny-pinching through exaggerated dialect, with family members arguing over coffin quality for the deceased. **"A Forced Sale"** depicts a westerner swindled into buying a gun at inflated prices, later absurdly valorized in a newspaper as a "valuable relic." The page reflects Judge's typical humor: ethnic/class mockery, gender stereotypes, and rural vernacular portrayed for urban educated readers' amusement.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
7A ONE EXCEPTION. Se] DID want to keep some- thing to remember him by, so I returned all of his pres- ents but one. Was that right?” “Certainly, my dear, What did you keep?” “The ring. DOUBTFUL. Wellie—Pa, did Caesar practice polygamy?” Father—"No, my boy. What made you think so?” Willie —" Because to- day my teacher said that Calphurnia was Casar’s wife, and also that when he got to the Rhine he proposed to Bridget.” WELL PLEASED. Parke (earnestly)—" I tell you we've got a perfect gem of a servant—the best one we ever SELF-CONTROL. had.” —"* Yo" seem indisposed toe-night, Mistah Jackson." Lane—" How long have MR. Jackso: ais, Miss Snoflaike ; I's jes’ had tea. I's allus indisposed aftah tea. Tet six sassages, an'five sweet you had her?” S, an’ sum , . b flap-jacks, an’ six cups ob tea. It's de ) Pertaters, an’ sum ham an’ aigs, an’ two plates ob poark an’ beans, an'foah plates ob fap} I Parke—"She came this morning.” ‘An’ eben «len yo" wasn't sahtisfied, I bait yor. -al, I cood hab et mo’ ef I'd wanted toe maik a hawg ob mahse'f.” NO PAUSE, SOME French writer says that a girl is a person we stop kissing when she is twelve and begin to kiss again after she is twenty. That may be all right for the definition of a French girl, but the American girl is different, We don’t stop kissing her at «ll—not even to hold our breath. THE FUNEREAL PROPRIETIES, Lawyer (after reading Mrs, Jones's last will and testament to her heirs)—" Well, my friends, to sum it all up, there’s five hundred dollars to be divided between her husband, Hiram Jones, and her sister Malviny, after the funeral expenses are deducted.” ’ Widower—* Wa-al, | cal'late Sary orter hev a good, solid oak coffin.” Malviny— Hiram Jones, yew allus wuz extravagant! A pine one’s | jest as good. They stain ‘em up an’ make ‘em jest like rosewood.” 4 Hiram—* My wife sha'n't hev no pine coffin. I tell yew thet flat!” Malviny—" Naow, Hi, dew be reasonable. ‘Lizy Higgins wuz laid away real comfortable in a pine coffin, an’ yew never could hev told it from rosewood. It didn’t cost half what an oak one would.” Hiram—"All right, all right, Malviny! Ef yew want yer own sister tew go cracklin’ through etarnity in a pine coffin I don’t, an’ I wun't hev | it so!” Malviny yields. A FORCED SALE. Bap Ben—"* Lookin’ fer a gun, pard? Jest gaze at ther riflin’in this self- cockin’, hair-triggered weepon I'm a-sellin’ fer only fifty dollers.”* (Tee weeks later in the Hoboken Herald.) “Among the valuable western relics secured by Mr. Cholly while near Cripple Creek is a dangerous-looking six-shooter which he managed to secure at a forced sale.” WEARINESS CUKED. Weaxy Tiesptan—"*T tell you I'm tired.” Big! ie Rest, THsTL A ome of rear car)—" But comicbooks.com