Judge, 1895-11-09 · page 5 of 16
Judge — November 9, 1895 — page 5: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains several brief satirical sketches typical of Judge's humor: **"Her Artless Questions"** depicts a child innocently insulting Reverend Dr. Thirdly by questioning his baldness and age, suggesting he start life over to "lead a better life"—humor from unfiltered childhood honesty. **"She Told Them"** satirizes a maid who misunderstands her mistress's instructions to tell callers she's "at home to none except Mr. Vere Brownkins," literally announcing this to four gentlemen callers, driving them away angry. **"Western Politeness"** shows frontier dialect humor: a rough cowboy ("Alkali Ike") politely warning another about cigar ash on his new suit—unexpected gentility from a stereotypically crude Westerner. **"Apprehensive Monetary Solicitude"** depicts a Jewish mother (Yiddish accent indicated by "Vy," "vat") relieved her son survived a fishing accident—the joke being her relief focuses on the medical costs rather than the injury itself. All rely on period stereotypes and gentle domestic/social mishaps rather than political content.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
297 HER ARTLESS QUESTIONS. HE Reverend Dr. Thirdly, who is somewhat advanced in years, was making a pastoral call and seven-year- old Frances was entertaining him until her parents should _ descend to the parlor. “You haven't much hair on your head, Dr. Thirdly,” remarked the little girl. “ Not much, Frances,” replied the clergyman genially. “ How do you like being bald?” “L prefer it that way, Frances, All smart men are bald-headed.” “Are they?” “Oh, yes. It is a great honor to be bald.” “ls it?” “ Certainly.” “ Wouldn't you like to be a boy again, Dr. Thirdly?” “No, Frances; 1 don’t think 1 should. I am quite satisfied with my age.” “Well,” added the little girl, “I should think you'd like to begin again, so that you could lead a better life.” SHE TOLD THEM. Mrs. de Strop—* Mary, remember | am at home to none except Mr. Vere Brownkins this afternoon.” Mose Jonson (at * the efub")—"*T say, fellahs ; let’s get up a foot-ball "leven. We'se all Mary (half an hour later)—" I've told four gentlemen got big feet an’ could put up a powerful strong game.” Il hatiyoutw h Mr. V. SPORTY JACKSON (derisively)—"* Taik a reef, dar, niggah; taik a reef, How's we gwine Callers that you were at home to none except Mr. Vere toe grow long hair?” Brownkins, ma'am, and they all left very mad indeed.” QUESTION BEFORE THE HOUSE. SHE KNEW. HE agent of the charitable society visited the school for the purpose of getting each of the children to bring a few po- tatoes for the poor. “ How many of the scholars remember what they brought the potatoes for last year?” she asked. Every hand was raised. “Well, little girl, you may tell us.” * Please, ma‘am, to put on the soldiers’ graves. NOT A MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE. ee HAT has become of all your chickens?” “ We have had two church conferences in our town this WESTERN POLITENESS, ALKALI Ixe (crack /)—"*’Scuse me, pard ; but I noticed thet yer cigar-ashes wuz erbout reddy ter drop on yer new suit.” “| APPKEHENSIVE MONETARY SOLICLTUDE. Iknv (t0h0 has been fishing with his father, excitedly)—" Oh, mommer! > — und fell und proke his fish-pole und bot" legs, und shprained his wrisd und ank tailed mit pop ; ty placked bot’ eyes. und dey're pringin’ him in py der ampulance now." Hetbankefalledisait poppers ohne Toad Ns Cea Mrs, Cones (smiling)—"' Vy, Ikey, vat a scare you gafe me ad firsd !