Judge — January 5, 1895 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

uae oysters. These animals themselves complain that there is not enough liquid in the river to keep them clean. Chicago signs tell you to boil the water, but add, "If it won't boil, fry it.” The odor of this stream has been admir- ingly compared to Sam- son and Sandow; not, however, when either was present. The Chicago people are fond of the odor on that account; it adds strength to the city. Some say the Chicago river flows up hill, As there is no hill in Chicago IT MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE. this proposition is a poser. Voice (from the house)—'* Johnnie, come and The United States fetch me a bucket of water.” coast-survey detailed an engineer to test this pe- culiarity. The engineer planted his apparatus in AN EXPOSURE IN HIGH LIFE. i 7 Mrs, Nooxny—" Fer th’ love av the river, but never saw it hiven, Mickey! be aisy wid th’ dure- again. This was his re- tell. "Do yez want t” pull th’ toe aff port: “The Chicago river me intoirely?* i Bal HIS PREFERENCE. SbYES," he said; “there are physicians of the body and physicians of the soul.” “Er—and which do you prefer?” “Oh, I'm a home- opathist.” JUST THAWING OUT. Satan (anxiously) — *Tdon’t hear that last soul from New York groaning as it should. It occupies one of the hottest cells.” Old Mother Satan— “Yes, poor soul! It's laughing in high glee; says it lived ina flat and PROVINCE OF MASSACHUSETTS, 1694. ie bee ne aoe Ma. Wintitror—" Fie, Mr. Saltonstall! I fea y ir y that you have had too much of Mr. Phipps's hard warm for years, cider.” Voice (from the house)—"* Johnnie, dinner is ready ! THE R!IVER CHICAGO. HE Chicago river is one of the immortals; it has a personality. Some people claim it is wet. A flock of ducks plunged into it and, to their great astonishment, slid across. A man who fell from the Clark-street bridge broke his leg on the surface. He sued the city for damages. The bricks of which Chicago is built are made of the river cut in sec- tions and baked. There are wild animals in this stream. A restaurant-keeper swears that he can’t make a stew of this water; the animals eat the k, SALTONSTALL—"'Tha's jus’ trouble, Mr. Winthrop, "Iwasn't hard at all—too easy.”* does not flow; it stands still. It has no banks ex- cept the First national and others. It has no bed like other streams ; its bot- tomis always on top. The merchant marine trav- erses it on roller-skates. In summer the city is fill- ed with dust. I asked a civilian whence it came. “Why,' said he,‘ you must be a stranger in these parts. That dust blows off from the Chicago river, DESIGN FOR A MONPRN WEDDING-CARD, WILLIAM H, BALLOU, “AN ENGLISH CHOP," comicbooks.com