Judge — 1891 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE'S ANNUAL. ‘THE MASSAGE, FIEND. When one of the most frequent bor- rowers of my pecuniary effects met me on the street the other day and casually re- marked that I was becoming thin, I for- gave him all his expansive weakness, and fell upon his neck and wept. Ever since I gave up the debasing habit of existing under the adverse circumstances and ab- ject frugalities of the boarding-house regime, I have been slowly but surely growing fat. There is a happy medium in the extending of the vest-front, but no man has yet been able to mark the par- ticular boundary line existing between comely portliness and uncomfortable personal rotundity. The elongation of the pants-buckle strap and the insertion of geometrical darts in the ulterior area of the vest, may possibly relieve the t strain, but it will not retard or abridge the growth, I had arrived at that stage of development when it was necessary for me to go down stairs backward, edge side- ways into a street-car, and fasten my napkin to the front button ——— of my trousers instead of my f Hy collar. The IN HER DRESSING-ROOM. climax of my Carmexcuzaten—" Carambo! what iss it?” absurd position Frorist’s Boy (in the basket}—"* Th’ boss told me t’ stick by th’ roses till was reached they was paid for, lady, an’ I was afraid th’ dude that sent ‘m was tryin’ gimme when a hack. ‘eslip. driver hitched THAT EXPLAINED IT. an extra horse . . . * to his vehicle _, TWo old friends were playing dominoes in a saloon and chat- and charged meting in the intervals of the game. double fare. I “Yes, our Susan is an excellent servant ; in fact she must have would have been littke short of perfection itself, seeing that she’s lived six Kicked then, but Yeats with my wife.” Idared not trust “But you've lived with her a good deal longer than that.” my immense “True; but then you know I'm never at home.” mountain of — adipose tissue TO BE EXPECTED. to one leg. The conversation turned on blind people who had been cured Hence I was after long years of darkness. finally prevailed « Well,” volunteered Jones, “I once had an aunt who remained upon to try the sightless until the advanced age of seventy-seven.” much-mooted And then?” asked some one. and widely-ad- «Why, th led.” tepli ee verlioed (aes y, then she died,” replied Jones simply. sage treatment. SS ey one @ [i “sent. for 2 PEOPLE READ ABOUT. ANUMPEDIMENT..TO SFORT. noted professor _“ Who are the brilliantly-dressed military men on the opposite Me, FLy (who has taken a header.) Bad luckto of massage side of the room?” she asked at the ball. that hair-restorer, anyway! It's spoiled our slide.” manipulation “Those are some of our glittering generalities,” replied her —_——— and tenderly editorial escort. placed into his hands three hundred and ninety- pee two pounds of human woe and weal. I cautioned him to proceed slowly and géntly. I was fearful of the result, for I had heard that their people often grew fat while under the treatment. Any more fat in my case would have made me a fit subject for the lunatic asylum or the soap-boilers’ kettle. The professor began soothing me down with a fine-tooth comb. The sensation was pleasant, and I rather liked it. But I didn’t lose a single pound in two days. I told the massage fellow that he might try something a little more stern. He got a coarse-toothed stable curry-comb, and I lost five pounds within five hours. The step of retro- grade had been reached. The next time the man raked me down with an iron garden-rake. After that followed a two-hour go-as-you-please up and down my person with a lawn-mower. In three months I was able to get into my eldest boy's pants, I settled with my massage professor and have been a well and happy man ever since. I now weigh eighty-nine pounds, M.S KELLER. AN OPTICAL ILLUSION. “ ji ” < 2 as r Old Younger has struck a pensive attitude, “ Oh, talk is cheap. . > with the hope of interesting thé lady on his left. “Is it! I guess you never paid a lawyer for =| Lrrtie Tommy—“' Why don’t that man eat pleading your case.” : his tomato instead of smelling it, mamma?” comicbooks.com