Judge — 1891 — page 23: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

AN ENTRY. “ October gust. “ Epiror oF THE ‘New York PLANE “* Sir :—Noting that you have offered prizes for the most beautiful infant, I beg. to inclose a photograph of our little Tommy, Trusting that the amount will reach us safely, I am “Yours respectfully, “MaMa.” “ October 42d. “ Epitor oF THE ‘ New York PLANET," ** Sir -—I sent you a photograph of our baby's grandfather by mistake yesterday, but judging from the portraits you have already published, am willing to trust to luck in the competition, “ Yours respectfully, “Manat.” A CHICAGO WEDDING, “T will.” Softly yet distinctly came Birdie Gettyfender's answer to the question of the venerable minister, “ Wilt thou have this man to be thy wedded hus- band?" Softly though the words were spoken, they fell with crushing force on the heart of F. Longfellow Drest- beef, who viewed the proceedings from behind a pillar just under the gallery. Mr. Drestbeef was one of Chicago's rising young business men. He had made much money, and the manufac- ture of lucre was still in progress. He loved the fair Birdie, but his hated rival, Mr. Bucephalus Steem- rendered, had been ahead of him in Proposing marriage. As Birdie’s motto was, “ First come, first served,” NO FREIGHT RATES. Mr. Ha Simme a ticket an’ a half to Painsville, will yer?” AGENT (who fails to see the boy)—" One ticket ‘Il carry you, friend. We don’t charge by weight.” JUDGE'S ANNUAL. she had said yes to Mr. Steemrendered, even as she had now said yes to the minister, Birdie knew that Mr. F. Longfellow Drestbeef loved her, for he had told her so. Hehad told her this, only twenty-four hours later than the period of Mr. Steem- rendered's avowal ; and Birdie had replied : “Well, Longie, you are a day late. Had you spo- ken yester morn, or even as late as seven p. m., it might have been as you wish.” “But you will give me the next chance, won't you?” asked the young lover impetuously. “Yes,” replied Birdie. I have said that Birdie was fair. This is no mere figure of speech such as is used daily by the society reporters, I repeat it, Birdie was fair. Why should she not have been? She was young. Only twenty-two summers had passed over her head, and the man at whose side she stood at the chancel was only her sixth husband. Four of Mr. Steemrendered’s predecessors were at the ceremony, and they to a man, wished him joy. The other was dead. And now the procession comes down the aisle. Young Mr. F. Longfellow Drestbeef keeps his eye A CHANGE OF LOCALITY. Miss Muttinc—“ Did you know that Dick Ravers had moved to the Bowery Miss Devon- Miss Mitte studio address w It says ‘Simpson, Bowery, No. 112,347," as far as I've read."* Impossible Je has, though. I asked him for his new ile we were dancing, and he fished out this card. on the face of the bride and a sullen frown on his own. In the vestibule there are hurried congratulations and best wishes, and while four of Birdie’s previous husbands are calling down unlimited joy on the bride- groom's head, Mr. Drestbeef approaches the bride with hand extended, and says in a low voice: “In congratulating you, Mrs. Steemrendered, I must beg to remind you that the next ceremony is mine.” “Yes, Longie,” replied the happy bride, after con- sulting her tablets; “I have your name down next. You'll wait six months, won't you, love?” Then the newly-married pair were hurried into a carriage and were gone. THE WESTERN MODE. At Vassar. TEACHER IN DEPORTMENT—“ Now, Miss Breezy, sup- pose you wanted some butter at the table and nobody noticed your want of it, what would you say ?” Miss Breezy (of St. Louis)—“ Say? 1 wouldn't say anything. I’d just get up and get what oleomargarine I wanted, and tra-la-la back to my seat. I guess you are not up in St. Louis manners.” THE SCION OF THE FAMILY, Mr. Girarre—"‘He's the ugliest-looking youngster I ever saw.” Mas. Girarre—" He doesn't handsome very much, Selim; but just think what a Napoleon of cocoanut sprouts he'll be when he grows up.” TOO CROWDED. “The neighborhood is getting quite thickly settled,” remarked one resi- dent of ward two hundred and forty- five, Chicago, to another. “Yas,” replied the latter; “blame it! I haven't been able to shoot a bear foraweek, They’re bein’ scared off.” FROM THE HEART. The manager of a matrimonial agency is responsible for the state- ment that when he proposes a candi- date for the hands of his lady patrons, the young girls invariably ask : “What's he like?” The widows inquire - “What are his business prospects?" While the old maids breathlessly ejaculate: “Great heavens! quick! Where is he?" THE REASON WHY. “Well, John,” said a gentleman to his servant, “I must say that it doesn’t take me half the time to dress that it does “No doubt, sir; no doubt; but then, sir, we are not alike, sir; for I've no valet to help me, sir.” There is but little truth in epigrams, maxims and aphorisms. PURITANICAL PROTECTION. Miss Mitprep—"" Why, Auntie, you've got the top of your veil right across the mid. dle of your eyes!" ‘AUNT ReBeccA—"'I done it a-purpose. I'm a-goin’ t' one of them balleys with your Uncle Eben.” comicbooks.com