Judge — 1891 — page 55: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

FUNNY THINGS FROM JUDGE. 53 STORIES OF PETS. (ACCOMPANIED BY AFFIDAVITS.) A man in Westchester county has a pet cat which he has taught to play “ Home, Sweet Home,” by walking up and down the keys of the piano. The cat also sits on the rocker of the cradle and rocks the baby of the house to sleep every night. “Stump” is a dog living on the Jersey coast and owned by the captain of a pilot-boat. Stump never likes to stay ashore and can never sleep in less than ten feet of water, where he sinks to the bottom and curls up in the sea-weed and sand. All the fish eaten on the boat are caught by the dog; but it is fair to state ;; that they never eat fish on board that pilot-boat. A colony of black-snakes lives in a garden in New Jer. sey. They make themselves useful by allowing the pea- vines to be trained over their bodies in place of stakes, while two of them tie them- selves into knots about the gate to keep out intruders. The editor of a Long Island paper has a pet turtle which he uses as a paper weight. The turtle eats nothing but printer's ink, and every night gathers up the papers on the desk into a neat pile and then sleepsonthem, Theturtle is marked “G.W., 1789,” but that is be- lieved to be a fraud, although any doubt uttered in his presence is quickly denied by vigorous screams on the part of the turtle. Parrots as pets are very common, but there is a certain green parrot in New Hampshire which is an extraordinary bird. His owner is a deacon of the church, and the bird goes with him to prayer-meeting and leads in the singing. He knows every hymn by heart, and the deacon has only to give out the number of the hymn and he starts off at once. His favorite piece is, “O for wings to fly !” 4.7 et 7 ies ares NOT USED TO 'EM. Remarkable impression produced upon Cousin John of Goodyville by a number of Ladies in full-dress(?) seated behind some flowers, VEREKER ON NATURAL SCIENCE. “Pa,” said Vereker's little boy the other day, “the paper says that the folks that built the Brooklyn bridge have atiowed for the expansion and contraction of the material— that iron expands and con- tracts according to tempera- ture. Now I’d like to know what that means.” “It means, my son,” began Vereker impressively, and very slowly, for the subject was by no means familiar to him, and he was fecling his way—“it means, my son, that iron being a marketable com- modity and subject to fluctua- tion——"" “That ain’t it,” said young Hopeful. “ What’s that got to do with temperature?” “Everything,” replied Vere- ker, “for, look you; the peo- ple who built the bridge con- tracted to put it up for so much, and that’s where the contraction comes in, After- ward, when they came to look for the money, some of it was not there, and anyhow they hadn't enough to meet the expense——” “And that’s where the ex- pansion came in. I see,” murmured young Hopeful. “So it was owing to the ex- pansion and contraction that it cost fifteen millions to build the bridge.” “Exactly, my boy,” said the delighted Vereker; “you have an excellent idea of natural science.” “But still I don’t see that the question about the temperature is explained,” pursued the youngster. “Oh, that—that,” mused Mr. Vereker, who was non-plussed again, “oh, that merely refers to the future state of the contrac- tors.” The boy quit at that. ution { Fe A HANDICAPPED DUEL. Monsteur Stcanp—"' Sacre!" His secoxp—"' Somesing my friend annoys?" Monsieur Stcarp—"'I cannot have ze aim of my peestol deestracted by ze shiny bald head of Monsieur Rupert. rouge it, else ze fight goes not on !” Tle must comicbooks.com