Judge — 1891 — page 54: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

FUNNY THINGS FROM JUDGE. LANGUAGE OF VEGETABLES. The following table of languages of vegeta- bles was prepared by the same fellow who got up the language of flowers. As a matter of pre- caution, his name is withheld. This table is not intended so much for love-sick youths as for steady-going grocerymen : Apple—Seek-no-further. Beet—You’re another. Cabbage—My head and heart are both sound —how’s yours? Lettuce—I’m greener than I look. Melon—If you're as seedy as I, you can't get credit. Potato—My eyes are upon you. NECESSITY OF LOOKING AHEAD. Will you honor me, Amelia, With your presence at the play? And T'll now engage the tickets For a twelvemonth from to-day. Heavens, George ! you must be crazy To make dates so far ahead, Life is short, and in a twelvemonth You and I may both be dead. Yes, it's running heavy chances, But, Amelia, you must know Seats are held for speculators, . ‘And the public have small show. BL. LAMPREY. A YOUNG HOUSEKEEPER'S TRIALS. The lady in the picture has just discharged her ninth servant in as many days, and, thoroughly disheartened, seeks a moment's repose. OLD SAWS RE-SET. “You ought to see the Jones “Concerning the dead say” nothing, or lie like a tomb- stone. “Nothing produces noth- ing"—only you must except the naughts on a check. “Experience teaches even fools,” but dudes never have experience. “From the specimen, judge of the whole,” except in the case of amine, (N.B. Some- times there ain’t any hole.) “Tis sweet to hold office for one’s country.” “Fortune favors fools,” as is evident from the fact that those who are not favored know they are too blamed smart to succeed. “He who follows two hares gets neither,” and he who fol- lows a whole switch often gets left. girls, mother,” said Mrs. Sum- merbreeze’s daughter. “ Why, they’re just to zsthetic for anything.” “Du tell,” replied the old lady. “I was afeared it would come to it, after all, when I sce those girls eating at the oyster supper. I knew ‘twould interfere with their disgusting organs, and give "em the esthetics.” Strange how evil communi- cations corrupt good man- ners. A fellow who has too much to do with tumblers usually tumbles before he gets home. Conundrum for the undo- mestic circle: Why are some men’s wives like Mississippi River steamboats? jecause they have a seemingly natural An exchange asks why propensity to blow up. brides so frequently consider OF; ae their new husbands as mere A NEW BRANCH OF ART—HAND-PAINTED HAIR. sardines. All is fish that CAPILLARY ARTIST—"'I can assure you, sir, the hair will look so natural, that comes to their net. you will be compelled to part it every morning.” MAKING THE BEST OF IT. A convicted felon was condemned “ My dear,” said a young bride to her {to imprisonment at hard labor for husband, “I want to speak to you about life. On passing the sentence, the mamma. Since father died she is left all judge inquired of the prisoner if he alone in the world, so I would like to had anything to say. “For life!" lu- have her come and live with us. As you gubriously responded the latter. “It love me so much, I'm sure you will like !savery longtime. Would your honor her, because every one says we are so_ kindly allow me a rest of five minutes much alike.” before proceeding to business ?” “But, my dear,” stammered the hus- _——— band, dumbfounded at his wife's words, “Ican’t stand that. I was willing enough to take you off her hands for cash, but I would sooner have your mother, as we have the furniture, on the installment plan—a week at a time, you know.” Discustep Opp Fe.tow.—No, sir, I do not propose to subscribe to your sick fund any longer. For the last twenty years I have been subscribing regularly. But I object to belonging any longer to a society in which the advantage is all on one side. A BASE-BALL PHRASE ILLUSTRATED, Men who make money, but seldom get rich—Counterfeiters, A bird that can’t fly far—Jail-bird, comicbooks.com