Judge — 1891 — page 39: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

FUNNY THINGS FROM JUDGE. THE CIRCUS-RING RABBIT; OR, THE SAD EFFECTS OF TRYING TO SHOOT SPIRALLY. “Been out all day an’ ain't seen a thing.” THE CHARITY CONCERT. Bostey (who thinks himself a great cornetist)—“ Aw, Mr. Higgins, I'm sure I'd be delighted to help so worthy a charity. Can't you makea place for me on your programme?” Hiccins—“ Um—let me see. Yes, I guess so, This entertainment’s for the deaf and dumb, you know.” AN UNANSWERABLE ARGUMENT, Dotinc pARENT—“What, my dear! a new gown and outfit for your con- firmation? Won’t your last com- mencement dress do well enough ?* WHEEDLING DAUGHTER (the favor- ite—and knows it)—“Now, papa dear. How could you think of it? Surely you wouldn't have your little pet confirmed in her old habits.” HARD LUCK, Uniucky joxist (su/kily)—“ Here, I’ve taken this work around everywhere without success, and you told me that half the business was in knowing just where to sell.” Gaciey—‘ Sorry, my boy, but I’m afraid that for you the other half would be in knowing zo to sell.” PROFESSIONAL. Merrily sounded the strains of the dance, In the ballroom at Bar Har! or, As gaily a fearless young beau approached ‘The fair doctress from Ann Arbor. With confident mien and manly grace He begged that ‘she would dance the lancers"— He fled when with fiendish look in her face She murmured, ‘I'd rather lance the dancers.” OVER THERE. SMALL Boy (whose tdeas of heaven are not totally disconnected with a ‘full stomach) — Papa, will we have three meals a day in the next world ?” “No, my son; but we will getour desserts there.” “Played out !” “ Blest ‘f I kin keep that dog behind th’ muzzle.” “ Hold on, Bismarck ; wait till T crack him !" DISASTROUS TO HIS PRACTICE. “That was a good joke on Darn- ley,” said one physician to another. “He couldn’t get out to visit his patients during the blizzard.” “Well, but where does the joke y, owing to a lack of attention they ali got well.” A negro with no hair on the top of his head can never (well, hardly ever) get into a secret society, because he is sure to be black-bald, THE WEALTHY ENJOY LIFE. RAILROAD PRESIDENT (going over the road)—‘“1 didn’t see you at the lunch counter, Sam. PULLMAN PoRTER—“ NO, sah; [ had aright good dinnah at the hotel.” Prestvent (with a sigh)—“ Well, I suppose you can afford it better than I can,” A USEFUL OLD FELLOW. Mas. Griccs—* Then you don’t have to rely on the barometer to find out when there is going to be a storm.” Mrs. Briccs—“Oh, dear, no. Grandfather's rheumatic leg is just splendid. I don’t know what we'd do without grandfather.” HAIR HAD GROWN ON IT. Grocer—“ Tom, get out the new maple sugar !" Tom (after hunting some time)— “Here it is, Mr. Smith, but it needs trimming.” Grocer—“What needs trimming?” Tom—* Why, it’s got a beard on it two feet long.” JUST IMAGINE. “Are you fond of Tolstoi?” askeda Boston girl of a Chicago young man, “Well—er—really now, I can’t How do you eat i “ Rabbits ain't much good this time a year, anyhow.” comicbooks.com