Judge — 1891 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

FUNNY THINGS FROM A gentleman from across the water, whose most conspicuous feature is the fine development of his lower face, and whose present occupation is traveling among us, to observe our institutions, on foot, tripped grace- fully up a flight of marble steps, and coyly remarked to the maid who came to the door, “If ye plase, mum, could ye give mea bit o' bread? I've not had a mouthful for narely a wake.” “A mouthful, is it, ye’re afther?” suavely replied the maid; “And where do yez expict to foind enuff to fill that mouth, begorra?” The foreign gentleman retired to meditate. Young Dawkins, making his ac- customed diurnal call on Matilda, remarks : “Oh, by-the-way, have you heard about the new doctor that’s just come to town? He's a most remark- able man—a mesmerist or something of that kind. He cures just by laying on his hands. If you've got a bad tooth, he just puts his finger on it, and it drops right out.” “Ho! that ain’t nothin’,” eagerly interrupts little Mary, who ought to have been put to bed an hour ago, but was still permitted to infest the par- lor, “ That ain't nothin’ 't all. Sister Tildy, she puts her fingers on her tooths, and they all of ’em drops right out! I sees her do it every night.” Uneasiness all around. Summerbreeze received a curtain lecture from his wife, and when it was over, he remarked: “I knew there'd be a thundering old storm pretty soon. I saw a big ring round the moon last night.” If a farmer has one reaper, would you want him to have any mower? DUVAL’S COLLAR BUTTON. Miss Paxsiitey—"" Did you ever dance before, Mr. Judse Mx. Burt Jupsen (toho is having a hard time of it)—"No, but I used to carry specie-bags in a brokerage firm, and I though’ I could get along.” JUDGE. AN EPISODE. A maiden fair lives over the way, The gutter is muddy, the steps are steep. Oh, where is the young man, stylish and gay, ‘That maiden’s comp'ny who used to keep? Hath he sailed o'er the seas and fickle prov'd. Or hath he been shook by his own belov'd? sadder fate ‘twas his to meet— the steps are steep, ‘The old man booted him out in the street, n away in the gutter ta sleep ; She was singing “In the gloaming ” very sweetly and very plaintively, and her best fellow was listening to her with all his soul in his eyes, but her father would interrupt her by asking “Where in thunder did you leave that corkscrew? You had it last.” At last the old man burst into the room with, “See here, Mary Ann, I've hunted the whole house, from basement to attic, and you must cither knock off non- sense and find it yourself, or tell me whether the gloaming’s in the ice-chest or your mother’s work-basket. I can’t draw a cork on such insufficient infor- mation.” She found the corkscrew. “IT was cured by a careful and dis- criminating use of spirits,” said an old fellow, whose nose would answer for an auction sign. “ Yes, you were com- pletely pickled as it were,” answered an unsympathizing bystander. Where do all the pins goto? They go down—if you happen to make a ten-strike. A risky thing: An insurance policy. comicbooks.com