Judge — 1891 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

FUNNY THINGS THE DEBUTANTE'S DIMPLE. FROM JUDGE. THE YOUTH, I watch her cheek. 1 can but watch it, ‘The while her dimple comes and goes ; Ab, happy he whose kiss might snatch it While from her lips sweet laughter flow I'm sure there’s no delight could match it ‘Thrice happy he who boldly throws His heart, if but her dimple catch it, A pitfall hidden in a rose. THR VETERAN, T watch her cheek. [also can but wateh it, Its pink audacity, its velvet brass Her cheek, that’s harder far than any hatche Although but eighteen blooming years she As for your case, poor fool! she'd soon dispatch it; Full heart and empty pockets, let her pass. Learn this sad truth, deep on your memory scratch it, : Gold is the price of dimples, fond young ass ! AT ROLL CALL. Ixsrecror — “Officer Finnegan, where's your helmet ? FINNEGAN (lately appointed). this mornin’, sor, an’ whin I wa had taken it to th’ doomp to get chinders wid took me Parthrick’s day hat as bein’ next nighest to DEACON JONES’ FUNERAL. Deacon Jones was dead, and all Squamtown was sorrowful, for the deacon had been a truly rh ne Part good man, He was authority on i eal 7 me uniform.” church matters, and was a leading F ‘ man in the Sons of Temperance. True it was that his nose had a fiery at the clock, In place of the dial, sh appearance ; and, if the deacon's professions were true, he should have sued that nasal protu- berance for slander ; but no one in the church dared to even hint that the pious man indulged in the “ rosy. Tt was also true that the deacon was spoken of by the ungodly as a sharp hand ata horse trade; but then the ungodly are ever prone to revile the pious. That the deacon would have a large and imposing funeral v the unanimous conclu- sion. The Sons of Tem- perance held a meeting, and resolved to turn ow in full regalia ; and when the time appointed for the ceremony arrived, THAT TELL-TALE MIRROR. . James—"' I'll stay out dis hitch.” (Kicks vigorously right and left.) : Howetts—"Soill 1." » INGLEIN—"* 1 don’ see oufin’ in my han’ wuf rastlin’ wiv, . Frencut (with his back to the glassy, scart off on a pab ob juices.” *Peahs ter me yo" gonnleman’s bery timid ter git the grim face of the de ceased deacon. She gave a yell and jumped back, stepping on Sim Doo- ley’s dog, who was nap- ping under his master’s chair. The alarmed ca- nine sprang up, upset- ting Aunt Nancy, who pitched headforemost against the coffin. She gave one convulsive grasp at it, and down tumbled the old lady, with the coffin on top of her, the body rolling out alongside of her. That was sufficient to br up the funeral; but the dog, who was’ running wildly about the apart ment,added to the furore of the occasion, and when the cry of “mad dog” was raised, the whole assemblage the lodge marched through the main streets of Squamtown, led by Jimmy Frisby with a drawn sword. The deacon’s house was a small one, and the parlor was not capacious, consequently there was no room to spare. The apartment was well filled previous to the arrival of the Sons of Temperance, but as the day was cold, an effort was made to allow every- body to come inside. In order to make room, the squint-eyed undertaker proposed to stand the coffin on end, and it was accordingly stood ina corner, from which the corpse of the good deacon was enabled to takea look at the whole assemblage. Just as the minister was in the midst of a pathetic address, and had begun to stir up the mourners, and the lone widow had cried two pocket handkerchiefs wringing wet, old Aunt Nancy Bloomer made her appear- ance at the parlor door and began to edge her way in. She finally managed to get a seat near the coffin, after a tremendous bustle, which caused the minister to suspend his address for a few minutes. After a little while Aunt Nancy saw the coffin perched up alongside of her. “Massy sakes alive,” she whispered to Sim Dooley, the tavern-keeper, who sat alongside of her, “(I didn’t know that the deacon was so extrava- gant, When did he buy that old-fashioned clock ?" Sim ducked his head and placed his handkerchief over his mouth to repress a laugh. ‘‘The old fool mistakes the coffin for aclock,” muttered Sim to himself. “Can't you see what time it is, Sim?” inquired Aunt Nancy. Sim bowed his head still lower, and the minister, attributing the action to the powerful address he was delivering, hoped to have made a convert of the tavern-keeper, “T'll see the face of that old clock anyhow,” said Aunt Nancy, as she rose up just as the minister began his closing prayer. She edged over to the front of the coffin, and after adjusting her spectacles, she looked up scampered out of the house, the widow mak- ing as good time as any. The incident furnished Dooley with story about the old-fashioned | clock for many weeks, HIS INVENTION, Sriecermever (with great complacency)—" Pesides peing goot fer der near sighd obf mein eyes, it leds all der vind go my glarionet through, ain‘d ‘id ?” comicbooks.com