Judge — April 25, 1891 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE SHE KNEW THE WORST. 6 4G WEETHEART. you deem me good,” I said, As I took Bessie's soft, white hand ; “You think the life that I have led Has been quite perfect, pure and grand. “But ere we wed, my darling Bess, T tell you frankly that my ways Mave been quite devious: I confess T’ve spent some wicked nights and days.”” “Nay, say no more,” quoth Bess, demure ; *T know it all—T know the worst ; Your mother told me, and I'm sure You told Aer all your follies first.” What could I say? This trustful lamb Had learned that once I teased the cat And twice or thrice had stolen jam — How could I deal with faith like that ? M.S. TOMER, ECONOMY IN SMALL THINGS. PURCHASED one of those Gem saving banks on the train the other day; I've been in trouble ALWAYS READY WITH A RECOM- ever since. You slide a dime through a slot and then you settle down and figure up in your mind MENDATION. what a lot of wealth you will possess when you are about eighty-five years of age. You always have some dimes rattling about in your clothes. There is no mistake, The pocket-bank is a boon, If it is kept up long enough it will pay the national debt—also deplete the land of all the dimes. I found that I had four dollars and fifty cents in my little bank—and 1 also was asked to settle for seventy cents’ worth of meat. I was wealthy in a small way, but my dimes were in the bank, so to - remark. I was rich, yet I failed to formulate seventy cents’ worth. I took the meat and left my little bank with the butcher to keep until I came around in the morning. In the morning I borrowed seventy cents of my wife and paid for the meat and redeemed my bank. I wanted a shave, and got it, and hung up my bank again. I again redeemed it, and wanted a peck of salt and had to salt my bank again. J went toa sample-room to gaze upon the rich seal-brown plug tobacco and had to hang up my bank. This began to grow wearisome. I had wealth, yet Thad not a cent. I could not squander the proceeds of my bank until I had acquired the wonderful sum of five dollars, ‘Then the intricate little pocket-bank would unlock itself and I could rattle the chink, I kept on putting in the vagrant dimes as they camie—and I kept hanging up my bank as a guarantee of good faith. My wife wanted moncy for milk. I shook the little bank before her eyes and exclaimed hilariously that I was saving wealth, But all my sordidness took a drop when I stopped to get my shoes polished. I didn’t have a cent. I showed the brush artist my bank. He smiled. He took it, rattled the dimes down till they rested against the screw. He slid in a pin, tilted the bank, and out dropped a dime. He gave me a nickel and I went away sad, carrying with me a disrupted dream. DOCTOR QUACK. ] PO not like your won- * My friendt, dot vas my new spring style, warranted nefer to get trodden down’ at der heels.” drous pills, Although I like your gall; The stuff that cures so many ills Is good for none at all. EARTHLY TIES. GHE had always been blessed with the Mrs, FLanexty—" It's a dale of sickness we're afther privilege of living within havin’ this winther, Mrs. Gahag: ten miles of Boston, and Mrs, GAHAGAN—" Vis. An‘ that lymph that's goin’ d Bote around musht be a terrible disase,”" cruel was the blow which made her an unwilling guest among the heavenly choir. Her spiritual lineaments grew misty and dim, and she would often start from her slumbers on a sunlit cloud to ask a pitying but uncomprehending cherub if he didn’t think it might be Monday on the earth below, and to inquire if there were no means of obtaining a paper containing the Sunday bargain advertisements. Her mild distemper grew until mourning spread throughout the celestial circles. Then a council was called and divers cherubim were dispatched to do her bidding. “Bring me,” she said, “‘a spool of brown cot- ton, number fifty. Do not fail to get it from one of the large establishments, and keep the check, that it may be exchanged if unsatisfactory.” Then it was whispered that the unhappy woman had been in the habit of going to Boston for her thread and tape, and they all voted to have the incorrigible and conflicting clement trans- ported by the first air-ship that should cleave the clouds. After which they tuned their harps and sang a pan IN THE MARKET OF HEARTS. N THE various marts But when passions abate Of the market of hearts, There's a little back gate Where Cupid holds absolute sway, Where the follies of love have recourse ; ‘There's a system of trade And when hearts cease to woo A FOURTH-WARD BREAK. Where a youth or a maid Can be severed in two CHAIRMAN (af the caucus) —"' Now, gentlemen, lend me your Can come to such terms as they may. By the sharp little shears of divorce. attention.” sas 8, stinsow. Hockstetn (absent-mindedly)—" Vat's der gollaterals ?" comichosks-com